Month: February 2023

I had forgotten about this one since it isn’t an official Bond movie, from what I understand. This should have been before View to a Kill, but I forgot so here we are. Plus for me it’s better to get one last taste of Connery before moving on to Dalton. At any rate, my yargh download is done, so let’s dive in!

Eww, this is opening like either a direct to video 80’s movie or a porno, not sure which yet.

Max Von Sydow and Kim Basinger? You son of a bitch, I’m in.

This is very off putting. Bond is running through a jungle and doing spy shit, including throwing a distraction frisbee, meanwhile the terrible song for the movie is playing over top along with the opening credits. This is not the Bond I’ve learned to tolerate.

Gah! This was directed by the dude who did Empire!

His machine gun shoots invisible bullets. No muzzle flash, smoke, anything. Just pew pew and people die. Are they a bunch of third graders playing? “I shot you!” “Nuh uh!”

His target is a sexy lady tied up to the bed, who seems to be enjoying watching Bond fight a dude. He cuts her free and she thanks him by stabbing him.

Oh, they were playing like kids. It was all a war game and now some dude is telling Bond how much he sucks after watching some of the dailies I guess. It’s the new M and he’s a bit of a weeny.

Looks like we don’t get the Bond theme and him shooting the camera either. This is bootleg Bond.

Thrill as Bond goes on a diet!

Uh oh, it’s SPECTRE starring Max Von Sydow!

Chill as Bond goes through physical therapy! Apparently he’s getting too old for this shit.

He managed to do his own kind of physical therapy with his sexy nurse, meanwhile some dude across the way is getting the crap beat out of him by a bad guy disguised as a nurse. Bad damn, she has nice legs!

While Bond is working out some huge dude shows up and is beating the hell out of him. What the fuck? They ended up in a lab or something, Bond threw something into his face, which turned out to be his urine sample in an open jar? Somehow this burned his face and he backed into and got stabbed by a bunch of beakers? This is too weird even for me.

Other dude in the hospital is in the US Air Force and was brainwashed into being a bad guy. Using a bionic eye he’s pretending to be the president and swapping dummy warheads for a test to real live nukes. That sounds bad.

Guess he outlived his usefulness. He’s driving away, sexy bad lady drives along side, throws a big snake into his car, he somehow flips the car and goes through a building, she picks up the snake and blows him up before driving off.

The nukes somehow landed harmlessly on the ocean after flying around forever and the bad guys show up with scuba gear to grab them.

Max sends a video demanding money or they’ll use the nukes. His cat is spliced in way too many times for a threatening video.

This sparks panic with the bureaucrats which forces them to reactivate the 00’s. Well just 007, I’m assuming.

Damn, 80’s Kim Basinger was hot as hell and apparently extremely flexible. Also it’s cold in that dance studio.

Eww, bad guy dude implies he owns her. Gross.

This Q sucks.

Is that Mr. Bean? Oh snap, it really is!

Bad lady shows up and picks up Bond. They get on a boat together and do the sex, showing a lot more than they usually do, before going scuba diving.

It’s a trap! They dive to a shipwreck, she swims off and a shark that’s remote controlled shows up to kill him. He manages to escape, but not before losing his air tank. In typical Bond luck, he manages to get snagged by a different sexy lady’s fishing line he was flirting with earlier.

They go back to his room for more sex, well more for him, but meanwhile the bad lady planted a bomb under his bed. Ah, but they were banging in her room, not his, so he didn’t blow up.

Basinger went to a spa, Bond went in and pretended to be a masseuse so he could feel her up and get some info. He left and she found out he didn’t work there, but instead of being upset and feeling violated, she had a smirk on her face. Sure, but when I do that they call the cops!

Instead of playing cards, Bond and the bad guy play some video game this dude invented? Sounds fair. It’s like a combo of missile command and Risk or something. Also the controls give you shocks, so it’s a kinky game? Pretty sure I’ve seen this scene before. Very goofy. Also this whole scene takes place in some upscale arcade? Kim was playing a game when Bond found her.

The bad lady is a little bonkers. She killed some other lady and ran off so Bond is chasing on a motorcycle he got from lame Q. This movie is very early 80’s. That thing has a turbo boost.

Bad lady got the drop on him and is wearing hefty bags as pants and a shower curtain as a top for some reason.

Wow, so she was obsessed with wanting to be the best sex of his life. She wanted him to write that down before she killed him. Of course, he has a trick pen from Q which he uses to shoot her, but it barely did anything. She laughs, about to shoot him when it fucking explodes! Guess she won’t be crazy anymore.

Guess there wasn’t enough in the budget to get Kim any bras and I’m not complaining.

I probably should mention, the air force guy who turned was Kim’s brother, so Bond was able to use that to get her to turn on the bad guys.

Need less of this goofy bad guy and more Max Von Sydow. Where’s he been?

So Bond is captured and instead of just killing him, bad guy tells him where a bomb is and leaves. Bond escapes his chains with a laser from his watch. Meanwhile Kim is being auctioned off to a bunch of gross dudes. Bond frees her and we see quite a bit of her butt.

That was terrible for many reasons. We’re to believe they rode a horse off of a very tall wall and into the water. First, the effects are laughable, second they went into the water with a poor horse, third that horse did not surface. Scratch that, he swam away, still messed up.

Bond and Kim are rescued and immediately shower together.

Ha, Bond knew about some top secret US military thing. He got the info from a Russian translation of a service manual. It’s a jetpack! All that’s missing from this movie is Bond laying out some cardboard and break dancing.

Scuba fight. Yay. I think that was Kim who harpooned the bad guy to save Bond while he defused the bomb.

Oh, Mr. Bean. Dropping by to get Bond to come back but gets thrown into the pool. Bond says he’s retiring. Movie ends with him winking at the camera.

Think this would have been pretty entertaining at the time, but hasn’t aged well and is a bit goofy/boring. I tuned out a bit during the big climatic finale. That’s a theme with me and these movies. They could cut 20-30 minutes and really tighten it up.

Now we’re ready for Timothy Dalton and The Living Daylights.

Guess we go to Amazon Prime for this one, even though it says MGM+. Is that even a thing still? So weird how the movies float between services and come and go. Stupid greedy movie studios.

This one I’m sure I saw back in the day on HBO or Prism, for those old enough to remember that one. I have almost zero memory from it. I know the Duran Duran video better than I do this movie. This is the last hurrah for Moore and Lois Maxwell as Moneypenny, so that makes me sad. Anyway, on with the show.

I guess the bad guy’s name is Zorin and that’s someone’s real name? We get a disclaimer at the top telling us this is make believe. Someone must have been pissed when this came out. Guess it must have hit pretty close to the mark to get them all riled up like that, huh kid?

We open on a snowy mountain with a bunch of Russians milling about. Bond finds a dead dude in the snow and we jump into a ski chase! Ha! So he ditches the skis for a snowmobile, but that gets blown up by a helicopter (also disappointed he doesn’t say how he’s getting too old for this shit) but no worries, he takes a piece from the snowmobile and goes snowboarding! Ugh, and they throw in a Beach Boys song? Kill me.

The helicopter has him dead to rights, but he uses a Pringles can to shoot some pink smoke into it. They can’t see and crash. He then spots a hatch open with the Union Jack on it. Inside is the sexiest sub driver ever and of course there’s a huge, comfy couch/bed inside. Oh my, he says they have five days to get to Alaska. Hope he packed enough Viagra for the trip. He’s pushing sixty!

Duran Duran and black lights on random women with fluorescent nails and paint on her cleavage saying 007! 80’s ahoy! This is definitely the top two or three Bond songs for me.

Hmm, the silhouette people are still wearing skis. This isn’t a ski movie, is it?

Moneypenny all dolled up in a pink dress.

Dead dude was 003. Bond is always finding or replacing the other 00’s. They must all suck at their job.

Ah, she was dressed up for a horse race. Everyone got all dolled up for this mission. And it’s Christopher Walken and Grace Jones! Her name is May Day, oy.

Bond is having dinner with some dude and there’s an odd stage show with a pretty woman and these butterflies on strings. Some guy up on the side controlling them with a fishing rod. May Day shows up and knocks him out and has her own butterfly rod that she zips into dude’s neck and kills him, I guess. Before Bond chases after her he tells the waiter there’s a fly in his soup. What?

Did I mention the restaurant is in the Eiffel Tower? Had no idea that was even a thing. He chases her up the tower, but she messes him up with her fishing pole of doom and jumps off and escapes by parachute. Bond jumps on top of an elevator to get down fast and steals a taxi to continue the chase. Damn, I hope that cab driver was insured. By the end the top is gone and it’s cut in half, which apparently doesn’t stop it from moving. Guess it has front wheel drive and the magic of Bond driving.

They land on a boat, Bond ruins a wedding, May Day escapes in another boat driven by Walken. They both laugh maniacally as they speed away.

A lot of horse riding sexual innuendo going on.

Walken looks so weird with blonde hair.

Stacey Sutton, what a very normal name for a Bond girl. Also she’s twenty years younger than him and so is Grace Jones.

I never understood how Grace Jones was a thing briefly in the 80’s. She did this and the Conan sequel then vanished, as far as I can remember.

So far the big plot is Walken doping his horse to win a race and something about microchips.

May Day and Walken sparring then making out. So far this movie is as creepy as it is boring.

Bond was snooping around and about to get caught, so he slipped into May Day’s room and got naked in her bed. She came in and joined him. Pretty sure if that was real, Roger Moore would not survive the sex. She looks like a ferocious lover.

Next morning Bond is asked if he slept well. He said he was a little restless but he got off eventually.

Oh no, Bond’s friend is murdered in a car wash by May Day hiding in the back seat.

After a silly horse race where Walken kept cheating but lost anyway, May Day shows up in the car with the dead guy in the back seat. They knock Bond out and put him in the car then push it into a river. Guess shooting him was too easy? Bond escapes, of course, and breathes by using air from a tire until they leave. Wonder if that would really work? It would taste nasty for sure, but probably better than tasting suffocation or drowning.

Classic. They’re in a blimp going over Walken’s big plan (destroy Silicon Valley to control the microchip market? Okay…). One guy is like, nah I’m out. So they ask him to leave and throw him off the blimp. Walken then asks if anyone else wants to drop out.

We’re in San Francisco and I can already hear 49er fans crying about losing in the playoffs. Ugh. They just shoehorned in the title and it made no sense.

Not sure who this new blonde is with the Corvette, but she isn’t wearing a bra and it’s cold out. Now they’re naked in a bubble bath hot tub? That was his third sex so far. Feels like a lot compared to the more recent movies.

Ha, there was some cassette tape and he swapped it out on her. Guess she’s a Russian spy.

Was that a Sharper Image product placement?

Man, Bond is not doing well. Everyone is getting the drop on him and he seems to be bungling his way through.

This Sutton lady lives in a huge empty house, except for one vase containing her grand dad’s ashes, but the kitchen is fully loaded. Weird.

God, Tanya Roberts is a terrible actor. Guessing it wasn’t talent that got her the role, he says as he sees her in a short nightie.

May Day is a master of hiding in the back seat to murder dudes. I never understood this thing in movies. How can you not notice a human in the back seat, especially if you’re a spy? I check there before getting in and I’m a schmuck who works IT.

Once again, instead of just shooting him they do some elaborate fire while stuck in an elevator gag. Spoiler alert, it didn’t work.

Thinking a ladder truck is a bad choice for an escape vehicle.

He’s going to create a double earthquake. They just said that.

Walken sets off a bomb to flood the valley and murders all his own men, including a couple hench-ladies. Jesus, and he machine guns down any who try to escape. Not a great boss. Bad guys are always the worst bosses, terrible motivators. Probably why they always fail. The only exception was Hank Scorpio from The Simpsons. Great boss and guess what? He succeeded. There’s a correlation here, I’m sure of it.

May Day survived and boy is she pissed!

Walken loves his blimps. He’s using it to get a great view of Silicon Valley being destroyed. That’s a bit extreme, even for him.

Meanwhile, May Day is helping Bond stop the bomb or something. Betcha he does it with one second left. Oh, he can’t defuse it so he’s moving it away but May Day goes with it and sacrifices herself to save the day. So much for Grace Jones.

Hahaha, the fucking blimp snuck up on Tanya Roberts, and Walken picked her up and took her away. Blimps, the stealthy air travel.

Bond grabbed onto a rope and is hanging from the blimp, so they take him to the Golden Gate Bridge to smack him off. Instead he managed to tie the rope off on the bridge and the blimp is stuck.

Walken and Bond have a slap fight with an axe on the bridge and Walken falls to his death? in the water. Meanwhile on the blimp, the old KGB doctor dude has a Wile E. Coyote bundle of dynamite. But before he can throw it, Bond uses the axe to free the blimp causing him to drop it and blow up the blimp.

We end with Bond showering with Stacey while Q uses his lame 80’s robot to watch like an old creep.

Well that was pretty lame and a bit boring. Duran Duran is definitely the high point of this movie.

James Bond will return, but no title, meaning they had no clue what they were going to do next.

Can’t believe it’s been just over a year since my last Bond entry. Never enough time in the day and For Your Eyes Only was so damn boring to me it really killed my desire to continue. But I’m trying to take more time for myself with fun things and since many of the Bond movies popped up on HBOMax this month, seemed a good time to try and pick it up again. And with a title like Octopussy what could go wrong?

Is that Bond driving up with a horse trailer? Is he retired now?

I guess we’re in Cuba? A tall, Castro looking guy walks up and stares directly into a woman’s chest. She’s wearing a super low, cut dress. Also he’s smoking a huge cigar in public, so we know he’s an asshole.

Bond had a sweater dickie! Reversible jacket and hat turned into a military uniform. Also Castro is continually staring at this woman’s chest. So subtle. Ogled lady is working with Bond, brings him a fake ID with the name Luis Toro, to which he says, “Toro? Sounds like a load of bull.” We’re off to a great start here.

Love how a fifty-five year old, white, British dude totally passes for a Cuban guy named Luis.

Bond judo chops a dude in the neck, plants a bomb from his briefcase, but it’s a trap! The REAL Luis Toro shows up and they look so damn similar! It’s kind of eerie. Okay, you got me movie, it was a good disguise…or not since he got caught.

Love it. Bond is taken away in a truck, ogled lady follows in the horse trailer and makes googly eyes at the two guards. Bond keeps making googly eyes at them too basically saying, hey check her out. She’s pulls up her dress showing leg and I think we see underwear too. While distracted, Bond deploys the guards parachutes (standard wear when riding in the back of a truck?) and they float away while he jumps into her car. He shoots up the truck and they get away. 

There wasn’t a horse in the trailer, but a mini-jet! He flies off and the Cubans send a SAM after him. He dipsy doodles and flies through the hanger he tried to blow up early and the missile follows him and blows up the hangar for him. But now he’s out of fuel! No worries, mini-jets run on unleaded I guess because he lands at a local gas station to fill up. Cut to Intro.

As the kids say, this song is booty cheeks. Rita Coolidge, whoever that is. The intro isn’t a complete loss, a bunch of naked women everywhere. Think we even saw nipple, which is pretty progressive?

Cut to a very long establishing shot of East Berlin and then a clown is escaping from a circus. Literally. Some dude with a knife is chasing him through the woods. I thought knife dude teleported, but he has a twin. What a twist! Also, why is the clown pulling a couple balloons along? Cut them off dude! Also also, clown attire does not make good forest camouflage. Clown had some moves to escape, but a thrown knife in the back and he dies, floating away down a river. Except he’s not dead yet, he stumbles into the British embassy and then dies, after crashing through a door and dropping a Faberge egg.

Moneypenny! But first Bond creeps on her new assistant, Penelope Smallbone? I don’t even know what that means, but she’s a younger replacement I guess since Moneypenny is getting a little older. Boo!

The egg was fake and the clown was 009. Bond gets to replace him and find the seller of the real egg or something?

This is a very boring Legion of Doom. Basically a bunch of “commies” and NATO is their version of the Super Friends. One general thinks they can march through Europe and take it over in five days. Other guys are like, nah bro, they’d nuke us. Seeing how Russia bungled it’s way with Ukraine, I wonder if forty years ago this would be possible.

At the egg auction, Bond spots a pretty lady and he drives up the price of the egg for her and the dude with her. Somehow he switched the real egg with a fake. Then he’s off to India, which we know because of another super long establishing shot of the Taj Majal. A snake charmer plays the Bond theme to contact him. Some nice fourth wall breaking here.

He’s shown to his hotel room by a pretty local woman who eye fucks him and is like do you need anything, but he’s in business mode so no playtime yet.

They play backgammon in a casino and dude cheats with loaded dice? What kind of nonsense is this? Cheating dude makes the other guy quit, but Bond takes over and flashes his egg as collateral. He needs a double six to win, so uses the cheating dude’s dice and gets it. Still wrapping my mind around backgammon for high stakes gambling. We’re also introduced to the henchman, some giant Indian dude who picks up the trick dice and crushes them into dust in his fist.

Next is a lame chase through the busy streets of India in these tiny golf carts. There’s several tennis gags which is a callback from an earlier conversation that wasn’t worth mentioning. A short fight scene covering a bunch of Indian stereotypes: walking over hot coals, lying on a bed of nails, sword swallowing. It’s all very silly and not fun.

Q and Bond in another round of hate you/want to bang you banter. Ugh, Bond starts playing with a video camera like I do when I’m drunk: close-ups on cleavage. Glad I quit drinking.

This Bond girl reminds me of a Talosian from Star Trek. I’ve heard of butterface, but a butterhead?

Oh, they did the sex. Did we even get her name yet? Did she really just say the tattoo is her little octopussy? With a straight face? Hope she won an Oscar for that line alone. Ha, she only banged him to steal the egg, but jokes on her it has a tracking device, but bigger joke’s on Bond as the henchman showed up and knocked him out.

This is the sexiest crew team I’ve ever seen. Row, row, row my boat! (Sorry.)

Hmm, the big bad is a mystery woman. No face shown yet.

Bond is captured and we find out the Talosian is Miss Magda. Well I found out, maybe I missed it earlier?

Ewww. Stuffed sheep’s head for dinner. This is gross and the bad guy dude ate an eyeball.

Ha, Bond tries to bang the the Talosian chick again but henchman cock blocks him.

Q’s fancy listening device thwarted by a hair dryer being used hundreds of feet away.

Trying to escape through a jungle, comes across a tiger, tells it to sit, it obeys. Okay then.

Next a Tarzan swing complete with the yell very obviously taken from one of the old movies. They’re not even trying now.

He stumbles upon a tour boat and hops aboard, escaping all the dudes hunting him.

The balls on this guy. He’s told of the big bad’s island and how only women are allowed, and he says that’s sexual discrimination! Look in the mirror there, buddy.

He sneaks into hottie island in a fake crocodile sub/boat thingy.

So the big bad is Octopussy, not the Talosian woman. She just has the tattoo? Also some of the women on this island are wearing Greatest American Hero costumes. 

Did the backgammon cheater just call her Pussy for short? Yikes.

Wait, her father gave her the “pet name” Octopussy? Is she from the deep south or Alderaan? WTF?

A giant razor blade yo-yo does not seem like an effective weapon.

OMG! Octopussy’s Circus! Color me intrigued.

Looks like Bond is getting some of that Octopussy. (Apologies in advance, but you know I’m gonna run this joke into the ground)

So the killer yo-yo guy can only get you if he stands way above you? Standing face to face, is he useless? Yeah pretty much. If he’s on a balcony, look out! Otherwise he’s nothing.

Bond death fake out! The croc boat hid him.

To the circus and a horrifying clown (redundant). Oh right! The knife twins.

So Octopussy is working with the Russian general to steal jewels, but he’s actually smuggling a nuke to go boom? What’s going on here? I’ll be honest, I may have checked out a little. Meanwhile Bond is hiding under trains to see everything.

Okay, so the general switched the jewels for the bomb and is double crossing Octopussy. Bond bumbled his way through beating one of the knife twins.

So his whole plan is have the bomb roll into a US air force base and go off, look like an accident, NATO says no more nukes, which then allows Russia to march across Europe. Do I have that right?

He steals a car, makes a daring escape, all the tires are blown out, but the car is the perfect size for the rims to fit on a railroad track and he catches up to the train and jumps aboard.

The general got gunned down by his own people. Dude went rogue and paid the price.

Lost track of who is on which side. Would assume everyone on the train is pro-jewels, anti-bomb, but one of the knife twins is there while the other one switched out the jewels. Bond fell off the train with the other twin and killed him.

Wait, when did the bomb get into a parade? I need to pay closer attention.

Bond is hitchhiking, bunch of teenagers slow down and wave him up, he runs towards them and they take off. Teenagers suck.

Ha, he tries to use a phone but a woman cuts him off and won’t leave, so he steals her car.

Okay, backgammon and henchman are in on it, so they make a quick exit while the circus is going on at the air force base. The bomb is under the big top while the show goes on. This is a bit convoluted.

Air force generals need to get out more often. Way too excited about circus acrobats. He gives a standing ovation while literally everyone around him is just sitting there.

Oh no, Bond smashed into the base and the guards are after him. Wait, is he going to be disguised as a clown? Please say yes.

YES! Clown Bond is here!

The place literally and figuratively became a circus. No one believed him until Octopussy stole a gun and opened the container holding the bomb. Bond defused it with one second left, of course.

Uh oh, backgammon guy is about to learn not to double cross sexy circus folk.

Things start going south, but Bond and Q show up in a hot air balloon, bickering like an old married couple the entire time.

Bond slides down a bannister like a kid, mowing down goons with a machine gun. There’s an ornamental thing at the bottom that would be a ballbuster, but he shoots that away as well.

Thinking Sony and Seiko are sponsors of this movie.

Damn, Q saved some hotties with the balloon, so he’s totally getting laid tonight.

Backgammon is trying to escape on a plane with Octopussy as hostage. Bond catches up on horse and climbs on the plane. They take off and he starts pulling wires to disable it. Henchman climbs out to fight him, but falls to his death (but pretty obvious the actor had a parachute). The plane tries to land, Bond and Octopussy jump out, plane goes over a cliff and crashes. Guess he won’t be cheating at backgammon anymore.

Russians deny everything, of course. Cut to an injured Bond on the sex rowboat with Octopussy “tending” to him. Ha, he’s faking his injuries and is totally DTF.

The End.

Lol, the one bad guy’s name is “Thug with Yo-yo.” Awesome.

The Octopussy Girls would make a great band name.

James Bond will return in From a View to a Kill (title pending).

Overall, this was more enjoyable than the last one. Not great, but had its moments. Probably a bit too long, since I zoned out a bit around two thirds through it. Looking forward to continue. I know next is Roger Moore’s last go and we get a Duran Duran theme song!