Guess we go to Amazon Prime for this one, even though it says MGM+. Is that even a thing still? So weird how the movies float between services and come and go. Stupid greedy movie studios.
This one I’m sure I saw back in the day on HBO or Prism, for those old enough to remember that one. I have almost zero memory from it. I know the Duran Duran video better than I do this movie. This is the last hurrah for Moore and Lois Maxwell as Moneypenny, so that makes me sad. Anyway, on with the show.
I guess the bad guy’s name is Zorin and that’s someone’s real name? We get a disclaimer at the top telling us this is make believe. Someone must have been pissed when this came out. Guess it must have hit pretty close to the mark to get them all riled up like that, huh kid?
We open on a snowy mountain with a bunch of Russians milling about. Bond finds a dead dude in the snow and we jump into a ski chase! Ha! So he ditches the skis for a snowmobile, but that gets blown up by a helicopter (also disappointed he doesn’t say how he’s getting too old for this shit) but no worries, he takes a piece from the snowmobile and goes snowboarding! Ugh, and they throw in a Beach Boys song? Kill me.
The helicopter has him dead to rights, but he uses a Pringles can to shoot some pink smoke into it. They can’t see and crash. He then spots a hatch open with the Union Jack on it. Inside is the sexiest sub driver ever and of course there’s a huge, comfy couch/bed inside. Oh my, he says they have five days to get to Alaska. Hope he packed enough Viagra for the trip. He’s pushing sixty!
Duran Duran and black lights on random women with fluorescent nails and paint on her cleavage saying 007! 80’s ahoy! This is definitely the top two or three Bond songs for me.
Hmm, the silhouette people are still wearing skis. This isn’t a ski movie, is it?
Moneypenny all dolled up in a pink dress.
Dead dude was 003. Bond is always finding or replacing the other 00’s. They must all suck at their job.
Ah, she was dressed up for a horse race. Everyone got all dolled up for this mission. And it’s Christopher Walken and Grace Jones! Her name is May Day, oy.
Bond is having dinner with some dude and there’s an odd stage show with a pretty woman and these butterflies on strings. Some guy up on the side controlling them with a fishing rod. May Day shows up and knocks him out and has her own butterfly rod that she zips into dude’s neck and kills him, I guess. Before Bond chases after her he tells the waiter there’s a fly in his soup. What?
Did I mention the restaurant is in the Eiffel Tower? Had no idea that was even a thing. He chases her up the tower, but she messes him up with her fishing pole of doom and jumps off and escapes by parachute. Bond jumps on top of an elevator to get down fast and steals a taxi to continue the chase. Damn, I hope that cab driver was insured. By the end the top is gone and it’s cut in half, which apparently doesn’t stop it from moving. Guess it has front wheel drive and the magic of Bond driving.
They land on a boat, Bond ruins a wedding, May Day escapes in another boat driven by Walken. They both laugh maniacally as they speed away.
A lot of horse riding sexual innuendo going on.
Walken looks so weird with blonde hair.
Stacey Sutton, what a very normal name for a Bond girl. Also she’s twenty years younger than him and so is Grace Jones.
I never understood how Grace Jones was a thing briefly in the 80’s. She did this and the Conan sequel then vanished, as far as I can remember.
So far the big plot is Walken doping his horse to win a race and something about microchips.
May Day and Walken sparring then making out. So far this movie is as creepy as it is boring.
Bond was snooping around and about to get caught, so he slipped into May Day’s room and got naked in her bed. She came in and joined him. Pretty sure if that was real, Roger Moore would not survive the sex. She looks like a ferocious lover.
Next morning Bond is asked if he slept well. He said he was a little restless but he got off eventually.
Oh no, Bond’s friend is murdered in a car wash by May Day hiding in the back seat.
After a silly horse race where Walken kept cheating but lost anyway, May Day shows up in the car with the dead guy in the back seat. They knock Bond out and put him in the car then push it into a river. Guess shooting him was too easy? Bond escapes, of course, and breathes by using air from a tire until they leave. Wonder if that would really work? It would taste nasty for sure, but probably better than tasting suffocation or drowning.
Classic. They’re in a blimp going over Walken’s big plan (destroy Silicon Valley to control the microchip market? Okay…). One guy is like, nah I’m out. So they ask him to leave and throw him off the blimp. Walken then asks if anyone else wants to drop out.
We’re in San Francisco and I can already hear 49er fans crying about losing in the playoffs. Ugh. They just shoehorned in the title and it made no sense.
Not sure who this new blonde is with the Corvette, but she isn’t wearing a bra and it’s cold out. Now they’re naked in a bubble bath hot tub? That was his third sex so far. Feels like a lot compared to the more recent movies.
Ha, there was some cassette tape and he swapped it out on her. Guess she’s a Russian spy.
Was that a Sharper Image product placement?
Man, Bond is not doing well. Everyone is getting the drop on him and he seems to be bungling his way through.
This Sutton lady lives in a huge empty house, except for one vase containing her grand dad’s ashes, but the kitchen is fully loaded. Weird.
God, Tanya Roberts is a terrible actor. Guessing it wasn’t talent that got her the role, he says as he sees her in a short nightie.
May Day is a master of hiding in the back seat to murder dudes. I never understood this thing in movies. How can you not notice a human in the back seat, especially if you’re a spy? I check there before getting in and I’m a schmuck who works IT.
Once again, instead of just shooting him they do some elaborate fire while stuck in an elevator gag. Spoiler alert, it didn’t work.
Thinking a ladder truck is a bad choice for an escape vehicle.
He’s going to create a double earthquake. They just said that.
Walken sets off a bomb to flood the valley and murders all his own men, including a couple hench-ladies. Jesus, and he machine guns down any who try to escape. Not a great boss. Bad guys are always the worst bosses, terrible motivators. Probably why they always fail. The only exception was Hank Scorpio from The Simpsons. Great boss and guess what? He succeeded. There’s a correlation here, I’m sure of it.
May Day survived and boy is she pissed!
Walken loves his blimps. He’s using it to get a great view of Silicon Valley being destroyed. That’s a bit extreme, even for him.
Meanwhile, May Day is helping Bond stop the bomb or something. Betcha he does it with one second left. Oh, he can’t defuse it so he’s moving it away but May Day goes with it and sacrifices herself to save the day. So much for Grace Jones.
Hahaha, the fucking blimp snuck up on Tanya Roberts, and Walken picked her up and took her away. Blimps, the stealthy air travel.
Bond grabbed onto a rope and is hanging from the blimp, so they take him to the Golden Gate Bridge to smack him off. Instead he managed to tie the rope off on the bridge and the blimp is stuck.
Walken and Bond have a slap fight with an axe on the bridge and Walken falls to his death? in the water. Meanwhile on the blimp, the old KGB doctor dude has a Wile E. Coyote bundle of dynamite. But before he can throw it, Bond uses the axe to free the blimp causing him to drop it and blow up the blimp.
We end with Bond showering with Stacey while Q uses his lame 80’s robot to watch like an old creep.
Well that was pretty lame and a bit boring. Duran Duran is definitely the high point of this movie.
James Bond will return, but no title, meaning they had no clue what they were going to do next.