I had forgotten about this one since it isn’t an official Bond movie, from what I understand. This should have been before View to a Kill, but I forgot so here we are. Plus for me it’s better to get one last taste of Connery before moving on to Dalton. At any rate, my yargh download is done, so let’s dive in!
Eww, this is opening like either a direct to video 80’s movie or a porno, not sure which yet.
Max Von Sydow and Kim Basinger? You son of a bitch, I’m in.
This is very off putting. Bond is running through a jungle and doing spy shit, including throwing a distraction frisbee, meanwhile the terrible song for the movie is playing over top along with the opening credits. This is not the Bond I’ve learned to tolerate.
Gah! This was directed by the dude who did Empire!
His machine gun shoots invisible bullets. No muzzle flash, smoke, anything. Just pew pew and people die. Are they a bunch of third graders playing? “I shot you!” “Nuh uh!”
His target is a sexy lady tied up to the bed, who seems to be enjoying watching Bond fight a dude. He cuts her free and she thanks him by stabbing him.
Oh, they were playing like kids. It was all a war game and now some dude is telling Bond how much he sucks after watching some of the dailies I guess. It’s the new M and he’s a bit of a weeny.
Looks like we don’t get the Bond theme and him shooting the camera either. This is bootleg Bond.
Thrill as Bond goes on a diet!
Uh oh, it’s SPECTRE starring Max Von Sydow!
Chill as Bond goes through physical therapy! Apparently he’s getting too old for this shit.
He managed to do his own kind of physical therapy with his sexy nurse, meanwhile some dude across the way is getting the crap beat out of him by a bad guy disguised as a nurse. Bad damn, she has nice legs!
While Bond is working out some huge dude shows up and is beating the hell out of him. What the fuck? They ended up in a lab or something, Bond threw something into his face, which turned out to be his urine sample in an open jar? Somehow this burned his face and he backed into and got stabbed by a bunch of beakers? This is too weird even for me.
Other dude in the hospital is in the US Air Force and was brainwashed into being a bad guy. Using a bionic eye he’s pretending to be the president and swapping dummy warheads for a test to real live nukes. That sounds bad.
Guess he outlived his usefulness. He’s driving away, sexy bad lady drives along side, throws a big snake into his car, he somehow flips the car and goes through a building, she picks up the snake and blows him up before driving off.
The nukes somehow landed harmlessly on the ocean after flying around forever and the bad guys show up with scuba gear to grab them.
Max sends a video demanding money or they’ll use the nukes. His cat is spliced in way too many times for a threatening video.
This sparks panic with the bureaucrats which forces them to reactivate the 00’s. Well just 007, I’m assuming.
Damn, 80’s Kim Basinger was hot as hell and apparently extremely flexible. Also it’s cold in that dance studio.
Eww, bad guy dude implies he owns her. Gross.
This Q sucks.
Is that Mr. Bean? Oh snap, it really is!
Bad lady shows up and picks up Bond. They get on a boat together and do the sex, showing a lot more than they usually do, before going scuba diving.
It’s a trap! They dive to a shipwreck, she swims off and a shark that’s remote controlled shows up to kill him. He manages to escape, but not before losing his air tank. In typical Bond luck, he manages to get snagged by a different sexy lady’s fishing line he was flirting with earlier.
They go back to his room for more sex, well more for him, but meanwhile the bad lady planted a bomb under his bed. Ah, but they were banging in her room, not his, so he didn’t blow up.
Basinger went to a spa, Bond went in and pretended to be a masseuse so he could feel her up and get some info. He left and she found out he didn’t work there, but instead of being upset and feeling violated, she had a smirk on her face. Sure, but when I do that they call the cops!
Instead of playing cards, Bond and the bad guy play some video game this dude invented? Sounds fair. It’s like a combo of missile command and Risk or something. Also the controls give you shocks, so it’s a kinky game? Pretty sure I’ve seen this scene before. Very goofy. Also this whole scene takes place in some upscale arcade? Kim was playing a game when Bond found her.
The bad lady is a little bonkers. She killed some other lady and ran off so Bond is chasing on a motorcycle he got from lame Q. This movie is very early 80’s. That thing has a turbo boost.
Bad lady got the drop on him and is wearing hefty bags as pants and a shower curtain as a top for some reason.
Wow, so she was obsessed with wanting to be the best sex of his life. She wanted him to write that down before she killed him. Of course, he has a trick pen from Q which he uses to shoot her, but it barely did anything. She laughs, about to shoot him when it fucking explodes! Guess she won’t be crazy anymore.
Guess there wasn’t enough in the budget to get Kim any bras and I’m not complaining.
I probably should mention, the air force guy who turned was Kim’s brother, so Bond was able to use that to get her to turn on the bad guys.
Need less of this goofy bad guy and more Max Von Sydow. Where’s he been?
So Bond is captured and instead of just killing him, bad guy tells him where a bomb is and leaves. Bond escapes his chains with a laser from his watch. Meanwhile Kim is being auctioned off to a bunch of gross dudes. Bond frees her and we see quite a bit of her butt.
That was terrible for many reasons. We’re to believe they rode a horse off of a very tall wall and into the water. First, the effects are laughable, second they went into the water with a poor horse, third that horse did not surface. Scratch that, he swam away, still messed up.
Bond and Kim are rescued and immediately shower together.
Ha, Bond knew about some top secret US military thing. He got the info from a Russian translation of a service manual. It’s a jetpack! All that’s missing from this movie is Bond laying out some cardboard and break dancing.
Scuba fight. Yay. I think that was Kim who harpooned the bad guy to save Bond while he defused the bomb.
Oh, Mr. Bean. Dropping by to get Bond to come back but gets thrown into the pool. Bond says he’s retiring. Movie ends with him winking at the camera.
Think this would have been pretty entertaining at the time, but hasn’t aged well and is a bit goofy/boring. I tuned out a bit during the big climatic finale. That’s a theme with me and these movies. They could cut 20-30 minutes and really tighten it up.
Now we’re ready for Timothy Dalton and The Living Daylights.