Category: Bond, James Bond (Page 1 of 2)

I had forgotten about this one since it isn’t an official Bond movie, from what I understand. This should have been before View to a Kill, but I forgot so here we are. Plus for me it’s better to get one last taste of Connery before moving on to Dalton. At any rate, my yargh download is done, so let’s dive in!

Eww, this is opening like either a direct to video 80’s movie or a porno, not sure which yet.

Max Von Sydow and Kim Basinger? You son of a bitch, I’m in.

This is very off putting. Bond is running through a jungle and doing spy shit, including throwing a distraction frisbee, meanwhile the terrible song for the movie is playing over top along with the opening credits. This is not the Bond I’ve learned to tolerate.

Gah! This was directed by the dude who did Empire!

His machine gun shoots invisible bullets. No muzzle flash, smoke, anything. Just pew pew and people die. Are they a bunch of third graders playing? “I shot you!” “Nuh uh!”

His target is a sexy lady tied up to the bed, who seems to be enjoying watching Bond fight a dude. He cuts her free and she thanks him by stabbing him.

Oh, they were playing like kids. It was all a war game and now some dude is telling Bond how much he sucks after watching some of the dailies I guess. It’s the new M and he’s a bit of a weeny.

Looks like we don’t get the Bond theme and him shooting the camera either. This is bootleg Bond.

Thrill as Bond goes on a diet!

Uh oh, it’s SPECTRE starring Max Von Sydow!

Chill as Bond goes through physical therapy! Apparently he’s getting too old for this shit.

He managed to do his own kind of physical therapy with his sexy nurse, meanwhile some dude across the way is getting the crap beat out of him by a bad guy disguised as a nurse. Bad damn, she has nice legs!

While Bond is working out some huge dude shows up and is beating the hell out of him. What the fuck? They ended up in a lab or something, Bond threw something into his face, which turned out to be his urine sample in an open jar? Somehow this burned his face and he backed into and got stabbed by a bunch of beakers? This is too weird even for me.

Other dude in the hospital is in the US Air Force and was brainwashed into being a bad guy. Using a bionic eye he’s pretending to be the president and swapping dummy warheads for a test to real live nukes. That sounds bad.

Guess he outlived his usefulness. He’s driving away, sexy bad lady drives along side, throws a big snake into his car, he somehow flips the car and goes through a building, she picks up the snake and blows him up before driving off.

The nukes somehow landed harmlessly on the ocean after flying around forever and the bad guys show up with scuba gear to grab them.

Max sends a video demanding money or they’ll use the nukes. His cat is spliced in way too many times for a threatening video.

This sparks panic with the bureaucrats which forces them to reactivate the 00’s. Well just 007, I’m assuming.

Damn, 80’s Kim Basinger was hot as hell and apparently extremely flexible. Also it’s cold in that dance studio.

Eww, bad guy dude implies he owns her. Gross.

This Q sucks.

Is that Mr. Bean? Oh snap, it really is!

Bad lady shows up and picks up Bond. They get on a boat together and do the sex, showing a lot more than they usually do, before going scuba diving.

It’s a trap! They dive to a shipwreck, she swims off and a shark that’s remote controlled shows up to kill him. He manages to escape, but not before losing his air tank. In typical Bond luck, he manages to get snagged by a different sexy lady’s fishing line he was flirting with earlier.

They go back to his room for more sex, well more for him, but meanwhile the bad lady planted a bomb under his bed. Ah, but they were banging in her room, not his, so he didn’t blow up.

Basinger went to a spa, Bond went in and pretended to be a masseuse so he could feel her up and get some info. He left and she found out he didn’t work there, but instead of being upset and feeling violated, she had a smirk on her face. Sure, but when I do that they call the cops!

Instead of playing cards, Bond and the bad guy play some video game this dude invented? Sounds fair. It’s like a combo of missile command and Risk or something. Also the controls give you shocks, so it’s a kinky game? Pretty sure I’ve seen this scene before. Very goofy. Also this whole scene takes place in some upscale arcade? Kim was playing a game when Bond found her.

The bad lady is a little bonkers. She killed some other lady and ran off so Bond is chasing on a motorcycle he got from lame Q. This movie is very early 80’s. That thing has a turbo boost.

Bad lady got the drop on him and is wearing hefty bags as pants and a shower curtain as a top for some reason.

Wow, so she was obsessed with wanting to be the best sex of his life. She wanted him to write that down before she killed him. Of course, he has a trick pen from Q which he uses to shoot her, but it barely did anything. She laughs, about to shoot him when it fucking explodes! Guess she won’t be crazy anymore.

Guess there wasn’t enough in the budget to get Kim any bras and I’m not complaining.

I probably should mention, the air force guy who turned was Kim’s brother, so Bond was able to use that to get her to turn on the bad guys.

Need less of this goofy bad guy and more Max Von Sydow. Where’s he been?

So Bond is captured and instead of just killing him, bad guy tells him where a bomb is and leaves. Bond escapes his chains with a laser from his watch. Meanwhile Kim is being auctioned off to a bunch of gross dudes. Bond frees her and we see quite a bit of her butt.

That was terrible for many reasons. We’re to believe they rode a horse off of a very tall wall and into the water. First, the effects are laughable, second they went into the water with a poor horse, third that horse did not surface. Scratch that, he swam away, still messed up.

Bond and Kim are rescued and immediately shower together.

Ha, Bond knew about some top secret US military thing. He got the info from a Russian translation of a service manual. It’s a jetpack! All that’s missing from this movie is Bond laying out some cardboard and break dancing.

Scuba fight. Yay. I think that was Kim who harpooned the bad guy to save Bond while he defused the bomb.

Oh, Mr. Bean. Dropping by to get Bond to come back but gets thrown into the pool. Bond says he’s retiring. Movie ends with him winking at the camera.

Think this would have been pretty entertaining at the time, but hasn’t aged well and is a bit goofy/boring. I tuned out a bit during the big climatic finale. That’s a theme with me and these movies. They could cut 20-30 minutes and really tighten it up.

Now we’re ready for Timothy Dalton and The Living Daylights.

Guess we go to Amazon Prime for this one, even though it says MGM+. Is that even a thing still? So weird how the movies float between services and come and go. Stupid greedy movie studios.

This one I’m sure I saw back in the day on HBO or Prism, for those old enough to remember that one. I have almost zero memory from it. I know the Duran Duran video better than I do this movie. This is the last hurrah for Moore and Lois Maxwell as Moneypenny, so that makes me sad. Anyway, on with the show.

I guess the bad guy’s name is Zorin and that’s someone’s real name? We get a disclaimer at the top telling us this is make believe. Someone must have been pissed when this came out. Guess it must have hit pretty close to the mark to get them all riled up like that, huh kid?

We open on a snowy mountain with a bunch of Russians milling about. Bond finds a dead dude in the snow and we jump into a ski chase! Ha! So he ditches the skis for a snowmobile, but that gets blown up by a helicopter (also disappointed he doesn’t say how he’s getting too old for this shit) but no worries, he takes a piece from the snowmobile and goes snowboarding! Ugh, and they throw in a Beach Boys song? Kill me.

The helicopter has him dead to rights, but he uses a Pringles can to shoot some pink smoke into it. They can’t see and crash. He then spots a hatch open with the Union Jack on it. Inside is the sexiest sub driver ever and of course there’s a huge, comfy couch/bed inside. Oh my, he says they have five days to get to Alaska. Hope he packed enough Viagra for the trip. He’s pushing sixty!

Duran Duran and black lights on random women with fluorescent nails and paint on her cleavage saying 007! 80’s ahoy! This is definitely the top two or three Bond songs for me.

Hmm, the silhouette people are still wearing skis. This isn’t a ski movie, is it?

Moneypenny all dolled up in a pink dress.

Dead dude was 003. Bond is always finding or replacing the other 00’s. They must all suck at their job.

Ah, she was dressed up for a horse race. Everyone got all dolled up for this mission. And it’s Christopher Walken and Grace Jones! Her name is May Day, oy.

Bond is having dinner with some dude and there’s an odd stage show with a pretty woman and these butterflies on strings. Some guy up on the side controlling them with a fishing rod. May Day shows up and knocks him out and has her own butterfly rod that she zips into dude’s neck and kills him, I guess. Before Bond chases after her he tells the waiter there’s a fly in his soup. What?

Did I mention the restaurant is in the Eiffel Tower? Had no idea that was even a thing. He chases her up the tower, but she messes him up with her fishing pole of doom and jumps off and escapes by parachute. Bond jumps on top of an elevator to get down fast and steals a taxi to continue the chase. Damn, I hope that cab driver was insured. By the end the top is gone and it’s cut in half, which apparently doesn’t stop it from moving. Guess it has front wheel drive and the magic of Bond driving.

They land on a boat, Bond ruins a wedding, May Day escapes in another boat driven by Walken. They both laugh maniacally as they speed away.

A lot of horse riding sexual innuendo going on.

Walken looks so weird with blonde hair.

Stacey Sutton, what a very normal name for a Bond girl. Also she’s twenty years younger than him and so is Grace Jones.

I never understood how Grace Jones was a thing briefly in the 80’s. She did this and the Conan sequel then vanished, as far as I can remember.

So far the big plot is Walken doping his horse to win a race and something about microchips.

May Day and Walken sparring then making out. So far this movie is as creepy as it is boring.

Bond was snooping around and about to get caught, so he slipped into May Day’s room and got naked in her bed. She came in and joined him. Pretty sure if that was real, Roger Moore would not survive the sex. She looks like a ferocious lover.

Next morning Bond is asked if he slept well. He said he was a little restless but he got off eventually.

Oh no, Bond’s friend is murdered in a car wash by May Day hiding in the back seat.

After a silly horse race where Walken kept cheating but lost anyway, May Day shows up in the car with the dead guy in the back seat. They knock Bond out and put him in the car then push it into a river. Guess shooting him was too easy? Bond escapes, of course, and breathes by using air from a tire until they leave. Wonder if that would really work? It would taste nasty for sure, but probably better than tasting suffocation or drowning.

Classic. They’re in a blimp going over Walken’s big plan (destroy Silicon Valley to control the microchip market? Okay…). One guy is like, nah I’m out. So they ask him to leave and throw him off the blimp. Walken then asks if anyone else wants to drop out.

We’re in San Francisco and I can already hear 49er fans crying about losing in the playoffs. Ugh. They just shoehorned in the title and it made no sense.

Not sure who this new blonde is with the Corvette, but she isn’t wearing a bra and it’s cold out. Now they’re naked in a bubble bath hot tub? That was his third sex so far. Feels like a lot compared to the more recent movies.

Ha, there was some cassette tape and he swapped it out on her. Guess she’s a Russian spy.

Was that a Sharper Image product placement?

Man, Bond is not doing well. Everyone is getting the drop on him and he seems to be bungling his way through.

This Sutton lady lives in a huge empty house, except for one vase containing her grand dad’s ashes, but the kitchen is fully loaded. Weird.

God, Tanya Roberts is a terrible actor. Guessing it wasn’t talent that got her the role, he says as he sees her in a short nightie.

May Day is a master of hiding in the back seat to murder dudes. I never understood this thing in movies. How can you not notice a human in the back seat, especially if you’re a spy? I check there before getting in and I’m a schmuck who works IT.

Once again, instead of just shooting him they do some elaborate fire while stuck in an elevator gag. Spoiler alert, it didn’t work.

Thinking a ladder truck is a bad choice for an escape vehicle.

He’s going to create a double earthquake. They just said that.

Walken sets off a bomb to flood the valley and murders all his own men, including a couple hench-ladies. Jesus, and he machine guns down any who try to escape. Not a great boss. Bad guys are always the worst bosses, terrible motivators. Probably why they always fail. The only exception was Hank Scorpio from The Simpsons. Great boss and guess what? He succeeded. There’s a correlation here, I’m sure of it.

May Day survived and boy is she pissed!

Walken loves his blimps. He’s using it to get a great view of Silicon Valley being destroyed. That’s a bit extreme, even for him.

Meanwhile, May Day is helping Bond stop the bomb or something. Betcha he does it with one second left. Oh, he can’t defuse it so he’s moving it away but May Day goes with it and sacrifices herself to save the day. So much for Grace Jones.

Hahaha, the fucking blimp snuck up on Tanya Roberts, and Walken picked her up and took her away. Blimps, the stealthy air travel.

Bond grabbed onto a rope and is hanging from the blimp, so they take him to the Golden Gate Bridge to smack him off. Instead he managed to tie the rope off on the bridge and the blimp is stuck.

Walken and Bond have a slap fight with an axe on the bridge and Walken falls to his death? in the water. Meanwhile on the blimp, the old KGB doctor dude has a Wile E. Coyote bundle of dynamite. But before he can throw it, Bond uses the axe to free the blimp causing him to drop it and blow up the blimp.

We end with Bond showering with Stacey while Q uses his lame 80’s robot to watch like an old creep.

Well that was pretty lame and a bit boring. Duran Duran is definitely the high point of this movie.

James Bond will return, but no title, meaning they had no clue what they were going to do next.

Can’t believe it’s been just over a year since my last Bond entry. Never enough time in the day and For Your Eyes Only was so damn boring to me it really killed my desire to continue. But I’m trying to take more time for myself with fun things and since many of the Bond movies popped up on HBOMax this month, seemed a good time to try and pick it up again. And with a title like Octopussy what could go wrong?

Is that Bond driving up with a horse trailer? Is he retired now?

I guess we’re in Cuba? A tall, Castro looking guy walks up and stares directly into a woman’s chest. She’s wearing a super low, cut dress. Also he’s smoking a huge cigar in public, so we know he’s an asshole.

Bond had a sweater dickie! Reversible jacket and hat turned into a military uniform. Also Castro is continually staring at this woman’s chest. So subtle. Ogled lady is working with Bond, brings him a fake ID with the name Luis Toro, to which he says, “Toro? Sounds like a load of bull.” We’re off to a great start here.

Love how a fifty-five year old, white, British dude totally passes for a Cuban guy named Luis.

Bond judo chops a dude in the neck, plants a bomb from his briefcase, but it’s a trap! The REAL Luis Toro shows up and they look so damn similar! It’s kind of eerie. Okay, you got me movie, it was a good disguise…or not since he got caught.

Love it. Bond is taken away in a truck, ogled lady follows in the horse trailer and makes googly eyes at the two guards. Bond keeps making googly eyes at them too basically saying, hey check her out. She’s pulls up her dress showing leg and I think we see underwear too. While distracted, Bond deploys the guards parachutes (standard wear when riding in the back of a truck?) and they float away while he jumps into her car. He shoots up the truck and they get away. 

There wasn’t a horse in the trailer, but a mini-jet! He flies off and the Cubans send a SAM after him. He dipsy doodles and flies through the hanger he tried to blow up early and the missile follows him and blows up the hangar for him. But now he’s out of fuel! No worries, mini-jets run on unleaded I guess because he lands at a local gas station to fill up. Cut to Intro.

As the kids say, this song is booty cheeks. Rita Coolidge, whoever that is. The intro isn’t a complete loss, a bunch of naked women everywhere. Think we even saw nipple, which is pretty progressive?

Cut to a very long establishing shot of East Berlin and then a clown is escaping from a circus. Literally. Some dude with a knife is chasing him through the woods. I thought knife dude teleported, but he has a twin. What a twist! Also, why is the clown pulling a couple balloons along? Cut them off dude! Also also, clown attire does not make good forest camouflage. Clown had some moves to escape, but a thrown knife in the back and he dies, floating away down a river. Except he’s not dead yet, he stumbles into the British embassy and then dies, after crashing through a door and dropping a Faberge egg.

Moneypenny! But first Bond creeps on her new assistant, Penelope Smallbone? I don’t even know what that means, but she’s a younger replacement I guess since Moneypenny is getting a little older. Boo!

The egg was fake and the clown was 009. Bond gets to replace him and find the seller of the real egg or something?

This is a very boring Legion of Doom. Basically a bunch of “commies” and NATO is their version of the Super Friends. One general thinks they can march through Europe and take it over in five days. Other guys are like, nah bro, they’d nuke us. Seeing how Russia bungled it’s way with Ukraine, I wonder if forty years ago this would be possible.

At the egg auction, Bond spots a pretty lady and he drives up the price of the egg for her and the dude with her. Somehow he switched the real egg with a fake. Then he’s off to India, which we know because of another super long establishing shot of the Taj Majal. A snake charmer plays the Bond theme to contact him. Some nice fourth wall breaking here.

He’s shown to his hotel room by a pretty local woman who eye fucks him and is like do you need anything, but he’s in business mode so no playtime yet.

They play backgammon in a casino and dude cheats with loaded dice? What kind of nonsense is this? Cheating dude makes the other guy quit, but Bond takes over and flashes his egg as collateral. He needs a double six to win, so uses the cheating dude’s dice and gets it. Still wrapping my mind around backgammon for high stakes gambling. We’re also introduced to the henchman, some giant Indian dude who picks up the trick dice and crushes them into dust in his fist.

Next is a lame chase through the busy streets of India in these tiny golf carts. There’s several tennis gags which is a callback from an earlier conversation that wasn’t worth mentioning. A short fight scene covering a bunch of Indian stereotypes: walking over hot coals, lying on a bed of nails, sword swallowing. It’s all very silly and not fun.

Q and Bond in another round of hate you/want to bang you banter. Ugh, Bond starts playing with a video camera like I do when I’m drunk: close-ups on cleavage. Glad I quit drinking.

This Bond girl reminds me of a Talosian from Star Trek. I’ve heard of butterface, but a butterhead?

Oh, they did the sex. Did we even get her name yet? Did she really just say the tattoo is her little octopussy? With a straight face? Hope she won an Oscar for that line alone. Ha, she only banged him to steal the egg, but jokes on her it has a tracking device, but bigger joke’s on Bond as the henchman showed up and knocked him out.

This is the sexiest crew team I’ve ever seen. Row, row, row my boat! (Sorry.)

Hmm, the big bad is a mystery woman. No face shown yet.

Bond is captured and we find out the Talosian is Miss Magda. Well I found out, maybe I missed it earlier?

Ewww. Stuffed sheep’s head for dinner. This is gross and the bad guy dude ate an eyeball.

Ha, Bond tries to bang the the Talosian chick again but henchman cock blocks him.

Q’s fancy listening device thwarted by a hair dryer being used hundreds of feet away.

Trying to escape through a jungle, comes across a tiger, tells it to sit, it obeys. Okay then.

Next a Tarzan swing complete with the yell very obviously taken from one of the old movies. They’re not even trying now.

He stumbles upon a tour boat and hops aboard, escaping all the dudes hunting him.

The balls on this guy. He’s told of the big bad’s island and how only women are allowed, and he says that’s sexual discrimination! Look in the mirror there, buddy.

He sneaks into hottie island in a fake crocodile sub/boat thingy.

So the big bad is Octopussy, not the Talosian woman. She just has the tattoo? Also some of the women on this island are wearing Greatest American Hero costumes. 

Did the backgammon cheater just call her Pussy for short? Yikes.

Wait, her father gave her the “pet name” Octopussy? Is she from the deep south or Alderaan? WTF?

A giant razor blade yo-yo does not seem like an effective weapon.

OMG! Octopussy’s Circus! Color me intrigued.

Looks like Bond is getting some of that Octopussy. (Apologies in advance, but you know I’m gonna run this joke into the ground)

So the killer yo-yo guy can only get you if he stands way above you? Standing face to face, is he useless? Yeah pretty much. If he’s on a balcony, look out! Otherwise he’s nothing.

Bond death fake out! The croc boat hid him.

To the circus and a horrifying clown (redundant). Oh right! The knife twins.

So Octopussy is working with the Russian general to steal jewels, but he’s actually smuggling a nuke to go boom? What’s going on here? I’ll be honest, I may have checked out a little. Meanwhile Bond is hiding under trains to see everything.

Okay, so the general switched the jewels for the bomb and is double crossing Octopussy. Bond bumbled his way through beating one of the knife twins.

So his whole plan is have the bomb roll into a US air force base and go off, look like an accident, NATO says no more nukes, which then allows Russia to march across Europe. Do I have that right?

He steals a car, makes a daring escape, all the tires are blown out, but the car is the perfect size for the rims to fit on a railroad track and he catches up to the train and jumps aboard.

The general got gunned down by his own people. Dude went rogue and paid the price.

Lost track of who is on which side. Would assume everyone on the train is pro-jewels, anti-bomb, but one of the knife twins is there while the other one switched out the jewels. Bond fell off the train with the other twin and killed him.

Wait, when did the bomb get into a parade? I need to pay closer attention.

Bond is hitchhiking, bunch of teenagers slow down and wave him up, he runs towards them and they take off. Teenagers suck.

Ha, he tries to use a phone but a woman cuts him off and won’t leave, so he steals her car.

Okay, backgammon and henchman are in on it, so they make a quick exit while the circus is going on at the air force base. The bomb is under the big top while the show goes on. This is a bit convoluted.

Air force generals need to get out more often. Way too excited about circus acrobats. He gives a standing ovation while literally everyone around him is just sitting there.

Oh no, Bond smashed into the base and the guards are after him. Wait, is he going to be disguised as a clown? Please say yes.

YES! Clown Bond is here!

The place literally and figuratively became a circus. No one believed him until Octopussy stole a gun and opened the container holding the bomb. Bond defused it with one second left, of course.

Uh oh, backgammon guy is about to learn not to double cross sexy circus folk.

Things start going south, but Bond and Q show up in a hot air balloon, bickering like an old married couple the entire time.

Bond slides down a bannister like a kid, mowing down goons with a machine gun. There’s an ornamental thing at the bottom that would be a ballbuster, but he shoots that away as well.

Thinking Sony and Seiko are sponsors of this movie.

Damn, Q saved some hotties with the balloon, so he’s totally getting laid tonight.

Backgammon is trying to escape on a plane with Octopussy as hostage. Bond catches up on horse and climbs on the plane. They take off and he starts pulling wires to disable it. Henchman climbs out to fight him, but falls to his death (but pretty obvious the actor had a parachute). The plane tries to land, Bond and Octopussy jump out, plane goes over a cliff and crashes. Guess he won’t be cheating at backgammon anymore.

Russians deny everything, of course. Cut to an injured Bond on the sex rowboat with Octopussy “tending” to him. Ha, he’s faking his injuries and is totally DTF.

The End.

Lol, the one bad guy’s name is “Thug with Yo-yo.” Awesome.

The Octopussy Girls would make a great band name.

James Bond will return in From a View to a Kill (title pending).

Overall, this was more enjoyable than the last one. Not great, but had its moments. Probably a bit too long, since I zoned out a bit around two thirds through it. Looking forward to continue. I know next is Roger Moore’s last go and we get a Duran Duran theme song!

Been a little while. Need more vacations and less work so I can get back to this more often.

Bond theme is a little more jazzy.

Oh shit, visiting the grave of his wife. Continuity! A helicopter shows up at the cemetery to take him away for work. Damn, can’t give the guy five minutes to drop flowers and mourn?

Uh oh, is that Blofeld? He’s got the cat and a neck brace. He zaps the helicopter pilot through magic and is controlling the chopper via remote.

Okay, what the hell? So Bond has to get to the controls by going outside the helicopter, which he does. He then disables the remote control. Meanwhile, Blofeld (assuming that is him) was right below in a wheelchair controlling it. Bond manages to pick up the wheelchair with the helicopter skid and drops him into a large smokestack. Of course first Blofeld was pleading and I think he offered to give him a delicatessen? And the music playing was very disco 70’s.

This is one of the better Bond songs and Sheena Easton is very 80’s pretty.

An old fishing boat is a cover for some government thing. The fishermen haul in an old school mine that sinks the boat. They tried to destroy something or other, but failed and they all drowned.

We’re introduced to a kind of pretty lady. A plane drops her off on a boat and she meets her parents. The plane then comes back and guns down her parents. I guess this would be dramatic if I knew who the hell these people are.

Moneypenny! I know I’ll lose this actress eventually, so just enjoying her while she’s here. She has a hidden makeup stash and gets all dolled up for Bond, who enters throwing his hat onto the coat rack.

No M. He’s away or something.

Ah, the killed parents were looking for the sunken fishing boat. Working all undercover for the British government since they couldn’t officially go and get the wreckage. They give Bond files and it has the movie title on the front. Maybe it’s the script?

Early 80’s sports cars have a very dated look and it’s bad.

Whelp, it blew up. Bond was breaking into what looks like the Playboy mansion. He quickly is captured but the boss guy gets shot with an arrow. He uses the distraction to escape and runs into the arrow killer. It’s the daughter of the dead people. They run to his car (Lotus). Some dudes are looking to break in. It has a sticker that says “burglar protected.” Dude breaks the window and the car blows up. Early car alarms were effective at stopping theft, I’ll give them that.

Well that was an odd car chase. Is this one of the bad ones? This feels like one of the bad ones.

I can’t tell if Q and Bond really hate each other or secretly want to fuck.

They use fancy computers to basically create a sketch artist rendering of a bad guy. Seemed like the least efficient way to do that.

Kind of clever. Bond goes to a ski resort and gets a room. In the bathroom he steams it up and there’s a message on the mirror to meet his contact.

Ugh, the pretty skater’s name is Bibi Dahl? Say that one out loud and roll your eyes with me.

Wow. Even Bond has limits I guess. Bibi was introduced as a potential gold medal winning skater who only focuses on skating and not wise of the ways of the world. Meanwhile, she broke into Bond’s room, comes out of the bathroom wearing only a towel and hops in bed, removing said towel. She’s basically saying, open for business and business is good. Bond turns her down! I don’t know how old she’s supposed to be, but it might end in the word teen, so good on him for saying no.

Who invented the biathlon? Skiing and shooting? Why not roller skating and juggling?

That was a very long, boring ski chase scene, and it ended with the bad guy throwing his fucking motorcycle at Bond in frustration as Bond escapes. Yeah, this is a bad one and Rotten Tomatoes lies.

They even made hockey and a Zamboni boring. Oops, Bond’s contact is dead.

We’re halfway in and I don’t think he’s had sex with anyone!

Oh there we go. Some countess something or other. Assuming she’s a baddie, but at least she’s age appropriate.

Well so much for her. Run over by a dune buggy.

Damn, he even turned down a drink. What’s happening here?

Bunch of dudes on boats killing each other. No idea who is who.

Even his quips are boring.

Oh no, underwater adventures.

Why don’t bad guys just shoot Bond? This was the worst attempt at killing him yet. Him and the daughter are tied together and pulled by a boat. They kept stopping to give him a chance to breathe and escape. So weird.

That one dude is from Flash Gordon!

Rock climbing…

Everyone is taking their turn showing Bibi the back of their hand.

They had Margaret Thatcher talking to a parrot that they thought was Bond. That’s how this thing ended.

The End.

Bond will return in Octopussy.

I found this one just boring, plain and simple. The fact my dogs were acting like assholes during it probably didn’t help. Nothing was fun or exciting, just meh. I checked out pretty early on this one. Oh well.

I just recently found out that the next film indeed was going to be For Your Eyes Only, but then Star Wars happened and changed movies as we know it. Trying to cash in on that, the studio suits decided to put Bond in spaaaaace. And that gives us Moonraker. If there’s some kind of droid or robot in this I may quite literally soil my pants. Shit, even the movie poster looks like Star Wars. They aren’t even trying to hide it.

Well there’s our movie title. The space shuttle is named Moonraker. Got that one out of the way early. Shuttle is on the back of a plane and there were stowaways on the shuttle and they just flew it off the plane, causing it to explode. I don’t think the space shuttle works like that.

Love it. M is looking for Bond and asks Moneypenny if he’s back yet. She tells him he’s on his last leg. Cut to Bond sliding his hand up a sexy lady’s leg. Keep being you, movie. He’s on a private plane and the sexy lady is a flight attendant, but she pulls a gun on him! The pilot comes out, takes the gun and shoots the controls. They both have parachutes and plan to leave him to crash (again, you have a gun, just shoot him!). They fight, Bond throws the pilot out the door but then someone pushes Bond from behind out as well. It’s Jaws! Bond dives down and catches up with the pilot. They struggle and he gets the chute away from him, kicking the pilot away screaming. Oh, but here comes Jaws! Wow, so Jaws catches up to him, is about to bite his ankle, so Bond pulls his chute. Jaws goes to pull his but the ripcord breaks, so instead he flaps his arms like wings. When that doesn’t work he falls into the big top tent of a circus and then we go into the opening. Will this be too over the top silly, even for me?

Back to Shirley Bassey, but not her best.

In the office Bond is tasked with finding the shuttle. He’s off to California where it was built. Q gives him a wrist shooter with either armor piercing or cyanide darts.

We quickly established Drax, who built the shuttle, is a rich asshole. Assuming he’s the bad guy. Yup, Drax tells his Asian goon stereotype to kill bond.

There’s a Dr. Goodhead? Oh this should be good. Holly Goodhead. Killing me. Bond is all surprised it’s a woman and being all sexist and creepy. Women can be doctors? Will wonders never cease! She is not amused by his “charm.”

She straps him into a centrifuge and tells him to relax, a seventy year old can handle three G’s. Also says it can go up to twenty G’s, but that’s fatal. Umm, why design it to go that fast then? Moore is into his fifties at this point and it’s starting to show in his face. She shows him the “chicken switch” which will turn it off if it’s too much. Asian goon shows up and tells Holly that Drax wants to talk to her, then he goes to the control room and has the instructor leave. He turns it way up. At seven G’s Bond hits the switch but it’s disabled. He had it into the teens when Bond uses his new wrist gadget to shoot the controls and stop it.

There was a cute French helicopter pilot that took bond to the Drax compound. Bond found her later and banged her for information I guess? I dunno, the scene seemed very forced like hey we gotta have him have sex with someone here. So whatever.

Bunch of white dudes shooting pheasants. And they have the balls to call it a sport. What a bunch of assholes. Ha, there was a dude in a tree with a sniper rifle for Bond. Drax gave Bond a gun to shoot a pheasant, he fired and missed…or did he as the dude fell out of the tree dead. Then he just leaves. Maybe ask why that guy was there? Aw, Drax found out about French lady and Bond. He fired her then had his two big dogs murder her. Hope that magic Bond dick was worth it.

Suddenly we’re in Venice? Holly is there too. She’s still not impressed with his bullshit.

Bond is in a gondola when another boat comes by. It has a casket on top. It opens and a dude pops up and throws knives at him, killing his driver. Bond throws one back killing the dude then flips a switch and the gondola becomes a motorboat. Short chase later and another switch it becomes a hovercraft and can drive on land. This is getting weird and bad campy already, can we just go into space now? Ha, he had a gondola driver hat on and parked his boat then threw the hat onto an ornament of the boat.

Oh Jesus. He snuck into some building and found a door with a keypad. Goofy looking old scientist dude comes up and enters the code, its the tones from Close Encounters of the Third Kind, which came out the same year as Star Wars.

Yikes, Bond was sneaking around. Science guys came back and knocked something over. It broke, smoke filled the air and they died instantly. Guess they’re working on an airborne poison. Lucky for Bond he was in a safe room that sealed shut.

Here comes Asian stereotype goon. They fight in a room full of glass trinkets and smash the shit out of everything, including something that was established earlier as being over four hundred years old and worth a million bucks.

Too many of Moore’s quips fall really flat. Not his fault, just shitty writing. The fight goes up into a clock tower. Below them there’s a small performance going on with an operatic singer. Bond throws the dude through the glass clock front and he goes head first into a piano, so Bond says, “Play it again, Sam.” What? Why?

Ah, Holly works for the CIA. She has more gadgets than him…aaaaand they’re kissing. After some sex, he leaves. Still unsure of who used whom there.

Wow Bond took M to the lab and made them wear gas masks, but Drax already had the room cleaned out and looking like a fancy office.

Drax is on the phone looking for a replacement for Asian stereotype. Enter Jaws! The big man is back once again! Ah, the good old days of flying where there was only a metal detector and no strip searches and other over the top bullshit in the name of security. Of course Jaws sets it off. He simply smiles and they let him go.

Now we’re in Rio. He’s followed by a pretty lady who then appears in his room making him his drink that everyone knows about. She’s some other spy there to help and has great legs she ensures to show off when sitting. She takes him to a warehouse and there’s a carnival going on in the streets. He sneaks in while she waits in the alley and some big headed costume dude comes up to her. It’s Jaws! He’s about to bite her, but more party people go by. They leave and back to biting when Bond sees them from above and jumps down to attack, but even more party people come by and sweep Jaws away. Also when Jaws was holding legs lady up she looked so damn tiny in comparison.

Halfway through and still not in space. I’m pretty disappointed.

Bond runs into Holly and they take a sky gondola, but Jaws uses his monster strength to stop it. Ah, Bond and Holly are going down and Jaws was at the bottom. He climbed onto his own gondola and is now coming up to meet them. Jaws hops onto their gondola and the three of them have a very awkward fight. They manage to throw him back into the gondola (I’m typing that word a lot) and Bond throws a chain over the cable and they slide down. Jaws had a guy in the controls helping. He turned the motor back on, making it go faster and faster so Jaws was gaining on Bond. They jump and land safely on the ground while Jaws smashes into the station causing all kinds of destruction and rubble everywhere. Jaws is fine because he isn’t human, but this beautiful woman with braided pig tails and big boobs shows up. They look at each other, music swells and they run off holding hands. Does this mean no Jaws in space? What a let down. Bond and Holly start making out.

Ha, some medics show up to help. Bond is like we’re good and goes back to kissing, but they knock them out and take them away. They’re being taken away in an ambulance. Bonds breaks free and fights a guy, they both fall out the back, but Holly is still in the ambulance. Cut to bond wearing a poncho riding a horse with the Magnificent Seven theme playing. We’re getting further from space.

More Q gadget testing.

Bond heads to the Brazil to find a rare flower the poison is made from. He’s on a fancy boat and chased by other boats. Gadgets are deployed to blow them up. Jaws is on one of the boats. What happened to his new girl friend? Bond’s boat is heading towards these giant falls, so he deploys a hang glider and floats away leaving Jaws to go over. I can only assume he survives since he’s indestructible.

Bond lands and comes across a pretty woman in a white dress, so naturally he follows her. She leads him to a temple that is full of beautiful women wearing the same outfit. Looks like a sexy cult. It’s a trap! The floor tilts knocking him into a pool and a giant snakes is in there looking for dinner. He kills the snake with a special pen, swims to the edge and looks up to find Jaws waiting for him. And here comes Drax.

Three quarters through the movie, are we finally going to space? He just launched four space shuttles with a fifth ready to go. Uh oh, Bond and Holly are in a room that’s under the fifth shuttle and it’s about to blast off. That doesn’t look safe. They escape though a giant air vent and now there’s a sixth ready to launch. They knock out the crew and take their place. Their shuttle has a bunch of sexy couples on it. Bond makes a reference to Noah’s ark. All six shuttles are heading towards a giant space station…in spaaace!

Yay! Jaws brought his girlfriend to the space station! They are just adorable.

Yuck. Drax is talking about creating a “super race.” Not a good idea to follow in those footsteps. Of course, his idea of a super race is just hot looking people. What if they’re all idiots and/or assholes, huh? Is that the world you want to live in? *looks around at the world* Oh, right…

Bond and Holly disable the radar jamming device so the US sees it and mobilizes. Uh oh, Jaws found them. Hahahaha, Bond tried to punch him in the jaw again because he’s still stupid. Punching in the stomach doesn’t work. Tries the old knee in the groin and it makes the same sound as when he punched his jaw. So we’re led to believe Jaws has metal balls too? Now I feel bad for his girlfriend.

Space station has a frickin’ laser they’re going to use against the US shuttle. Meanwhile, Drax is going to throw Bond and Holly out the airlock, but Bond is clever and says for his “master race” anyone who doesn’t live up to his standards will be exterminated. Jaws is picking up what Bond is putting down as he looks at his girlfriend (which I’m a bit confused by. Are they implying she isn’t beautiful, because she is. Is it because she wears glasses? The 70’s were weird), and instead of throwing them out the airlock he attacks the guards. Go Jaws! Too bad it didn’t work.

Lol, there’s this big space station emergency stop button just sitting there. So Bond lunges forward and presses it and the station stops spinning and everyone goes flying (in different directions?). What a poor design. Now there’s no artificial gravity. They’re all moving around like the Six Million Dollar Man when he runs. Fun fact, when I was a kid I’d move around the house in slow motion. My mom is like WTF are you doing? I explained I’m running like the Six Million Dollar Man .

Oh no, is there going to be people fighting in space? Is this going to be like Thunderball? I don’t know if I want to be in space anymore. Shit, everyone has frickin’ lasers. It’s a mad house…in spaaaace! I can just picture the director for this scene muttering under his breath, “You want Star Wars? Here’s your fucking Star Wars .” Then doing another line of cocaine.

While all this is happening, Drax is launching globes of his poison to wipe out all life on Earth. Probably an important plot point.

Jaws as a good guy is making my day. Bond chases down Drax, but Drax picks up a laser gun from the floor. As Bond raises his hands he shoots a wrist dart into Drax’s chest. As he’s dying from the cyanide, Bond shoves him out the airlock telling him to, “Take a giant step for mankind.” He’s double dead.

The station is falling apart and I haven’t seen Jaws or his girlfriend in awhile. They are my only concern at this point. There they are! They embrace, open up some champagne and Jaws finally speaks, saying, “Well, here’s to us.” Then they wander along and wave at Bond through a window. Bond and Holly are on one of the shuttles but they can’t launch. Bond asks Jaws to help, which he does and then the part he’s on blasts away. Bond tells us not to worry, he’ll make it. It’s only a couple hundred miles to Earth? He better be right! The rest of the station explodes, also everything is very loud in space.

Bond and Holly are hunting down the three poison globes that were launched so they can blow them up with a frickin’ laser. Uh oh, he got the first two but missed the last one. It was on auto but had a malfunction, so Bond switches to manual fire. This is completely different from Luke turning off the targeting computer and using the force, by the way. After some drama Bond blows up the last one just in time. 

Yay, they report two survivors from the station, a tall man and short blonde woman. They made it!

Oh, Bond and Holly are doing it in space. Ha, ground control turned on a camera and see them doing it. Someone asks, “My god, what’s Bond doing?” Q answers not seeing the screen, “I think he’s attempting re-entry, sir.” I literally lol’ed.

The End.

Fuck you movie! Credits say shot on location in Italy, Brazil, Guatemala, U.S.A. and OUTER SPACE!

Jaws’ girlfriend’s name is Dolly. So there couple name, Jolly? Jawlly? Daws or Dows? I’m going with Jolly. Final answer.

Bond will return in For Your Eyes Only…for real this time.

Obviously, I was very disappointed at how log it took to get into space, but once they got there it was fun. I think Jaws finding love and switching sides made this whole thing worth it for me. Went down a slight rabbit hole on the actress playing Dolly (Blanche Ravalec) and it looks like her and Jaws (Richard Kiel) went to a bunch of conventions together, posing for pictures. They are adorable.

Aside from that, the first hour and a half was kind of forgettable. Not really bad, but basically just whatever. It was a basic cash grab on the coat tails of Star Wars and it showed, but still enjoyed it well enough.

Some lunchtime Bond action. They took three years off between films. Let’s see if they put that time to good use.

Theme sounds semi-classic again. Could be a good sign.

Can you smoke on a submarine? Is that a good idea? Drama on the sub. They’re forced to surface and the captain looks through the periscope and says OMG, but they won’t show us what he sees! Hate when movies/TV do that. It was a nuclear sub and is now missing. Cut to Russia and they’re missing one as well and dude asks for agent XXX, who is in bed banging a pretty woman. Did I download a Russian bootleg by mistake? Twist, XXX is the woman! Guess I’m the asshole for assuming, though I did suspect.

Ha, movie. M asks Moneypenny where’s Bond. She says he’s on a mission in Austria. M says to tell him to, “pull out immediately.” Cut to Bond on top of a blonde in front of a fireplace. I see what you did there movie. Well played.

He has a teletype/label maker in his watch? How on earth would that even fit? That isn’t high tech, it’s like Tardis technology inside that thing.

So he has to leave but she’s all stay daddy, I need it bad! He tells her so does England and leaves wearing a banana outfit. Okay it’s a terrible yellow ski suit, whatever. She immediately gets on the radio and tells other bad guys he just left. Time for a ski chase! Including some groovy 70’s music.

Holy shit! Bond had a mini rocket thing in one of his ski poles! Hit a bad guy in the chest with it while skiing backwards. Okay movie, I’m fully onboard, don’t disappoint me. Even the corny backflip with a twist is okay. Uh oh, he jumped off a cliff, lost his skis and deployed a chute. How tall was this cliff? The chute has the union jack flag as the Bond trumpets play and into the opening.

Oh shit! Did I not know Nobody Does It Better was a Bond song? Not sure I did. Fucking love that song. Okay, Live and Let Die has some competition, not gonna lie. Carly Simon is awesome. This also explains the spy who loved me line in the song that never made sense. I’m a little slow, sue me.

Oh shit again, back to Russia and dude is talking to XXX and is like your agent boyfriend is dead, killed in the Austrian Alps. Hmm, who do we know that we just saw kill Russian agents in the Alps? Coincidence?

Bond in a naval uniform. Is that a first? Can’t remember. Moore has a huge chin but is a good lookin dude in a classic 70’s/80’s leading man way.

We find the bad guy having dinner with a pretty blonde. Two dudes come in and he’s like someone close betrayed me. Hey toots, you should leave this is gonna get ugly. She gets in an elevator and he pushes a button which drops her into a shark tank and she dead. Guess she was the betrayer. Bad guys love their killer aquatics in these movies. Ha, now the two dudes take the same elevator to leave while they shit their pants.

Bad guy’s base he stole form the legion of doom in the Superfiends cartoon. Jaws! I know that guy. Thought he doesn’t show up until later. Nice, I get him for more than one movie! Also was a nice intro. This big monster looking thug looking like King Kong Bundy comes in. He looks huge, then Jaws enters and dwarfs him. I am fully invested, please don’t betray me movie or I’ll feed you to a killer gold fish. Nice teeth, winning smile.

Oh fuck! The two dudes were leaving on a helicopter. Bad guy presses another button and boom, it explodes. Now he doesn’t owe them any money. I would never work for a bad guy. Not for any moral reasons, but because I like being alive and they all have poor managerial styles. Well except for Scorpio, because as always, The Simpsons did it better.

We’re just gonna skip over that unpleasantness in Egypt with the harem girls.

Mixing a little Jack Daniels in my iced tea because I’m classy. Don’t worry, it was shaken, not stirred.

Bond goes to Cairo to meet a contact. Of course a pretty woman is there and they start making out but Bundy tries to shoot him, gets the girl instead. He chases Bundy down and they fight. Bond gets his info and Bundy falls off the roof and I assume died. RIP Bundy.

To the pyramids to find the contact, but Jaws is looking for him too. Dude runs and locks a chain on a gate. Jaws bites through the chain! Little dude is fucked. OMG! Jaws slammed him against a wall and bit his neck! Is he a vampire too? Little dude is dead. Damn, big man is stealthy too. Bond pulled a gun on him, lights went out for a second and he’s gone. A man that size with that kind of quickness? He should play center in the NBA. Had to look it up, my man was 7’2”. Died in 2014. RIP big man.

Really wish they taught Moore how to fight or just used a double for every fight scene.

XXX is here and she looking fine. Bond is on her like white on rice. Oh, they know each other and their drinks. They’re both good. Damn, she referenced his dead wife. Continuity! They’re both there to get some microfilm, but Jaws gets to the guy first and bites his neck. Definite vampire.

Was that really necessary? Bond finds the dead guy, checks him and the microfilm is gone. He takes an out of order sign hanging nearby and puts it on the corpse. Kinda funny, in a sick and dark way, which I appreciate, but also kind of a dick move.

Jaws is escaping with a van. Both Bond and XXX jump in the back. He knows they’re back there, has a speaker and can hear them talking. How did that dude fit behind the wheel? Even the van looks tiny next to him.

I’m a sucker for those long flowing evening gowns with the slit up the sides to show off the legs when they walk. Just sharing.

They track down Jaws. Bond punches him in the jaw like an idiot. XXX pulls a gun like a smart person, but then takes her eyes off him like an idiot, but she gets the film and runs off. Bond dumps a ton of rocks on Jaws’ head, but he’s still alive because he’s not human. Also the sun is out, so not a vampire? Or is he the daywalker? XXX hops in the van but no keys, do they not teach hotwiring in Russian spy camp? Bond shows up with the keys. The odd couple continues!

Jesus, Jaws is the Hulk! He hops onto the hood of the van and literally starts ripping it apart. She tries to drive away but is having difficulty getting it into gear. The entire time Bond is being a condescending dick to her, including a women drivers crack. Jaws even stops the van cold from going in reverse and picks up the back of it. Dude is a fucking monster!

Van broke down in the middle of the desert. Neither of them are dressed well for this walk. Even the boat driver they stumble upon thinks so.

Bond has a mini microfilm viewer and is checking it out. How does XXX not watch him like a hawk? Bad spy. Oh my, Bond put the moves on her and it’s working? Or is she playing him? Ha, she played him. She had a cigarette that blew knockout dust into his face. Good for her! Bond’s greatest strength is also his biggest weakness…his dick. Damn, I don’t speak the language, but even I can tell all the local ladies are throwing shade at him as he walks by. They know he played himself.

Bond heads back to a base, that’s in a pyramid maybe? Moneypenny is there giving him sass because she’s awesome. He throws his jacket onto the coat rack. Guess that’s close enough. Into the office and Russian dude is there. Looks like Russia and the brits are working together as here’s XXX. Ah, Russian dude is KGB, of course.

Nice montage of wacky Q gadgets.

So they’re working together and she seems quite happy about it. Didn’t Bond kill her boyfriend? Or does she not know that yet?

They’re on a train together, flirting. Bond wants her to join him in his room, she’s all business and wants to sleep. They both undress separately (she is looking damn good), opens her closet and somehow Jaws squeezed his giant ass in there! Scared the shit out of me, like for real. He smacks her around and is about to bite her neck then Bond shows up. Jaws literally picked him up by the crotch and slammed him into the ceiling. He then has his hand on his neck holding him up and his hand is bigger than Moore’s head. It doesn’t even look real. Lol, Bond broke a lamp and zapped him in his metal teeth, then kicked him out the windows of the moving train. And he still lives! Motherfucker stands up and dusts himself off like nothing happened.

Now that his window is broken, he has an excuse to go into her room. All part of his plan I’m sure. He has a cut on his shoulder. She asks what can they use for a bandage? He starts slipping off her nightgown saying, “How bout this?” Oh they fuckin.

Q brings him a sweet Lotus for his ride. Will we ever see his Aston Martin again?

Ha, they’re undercover as a married couple checking into a hotel. Moneypenny booked them in with separate bedrooms. She’s the best.

Whoa. The bad guy (Stromberg) sent Naomi to collect bond and XXX. She hops off a speed boat in a Bond movie issued bikini and looks phenomenal. Bond of course notices and pretends to complement the boat, “What a handsome craft. Such lovely lines.” XXX is not amused.

Stromberg knows who they are and tells Jaws to kill them.

Damn. They’re driving in the Lotus and being followed by a motorcycle guy with a side car. They get stuck behind a truck (carrying pillows?). Sidecar is launched at them like a rocket. He whips the car around the truck and the sidecar explodes the back of the truck, feathers everywhere. Motorcycle guy flies off the road and cliff. Bond quips, “All those fathers and he still can’t fly.”

How on earth can a sedan with four guys in it (one of them the Jaws monster) possibly keep up with Bond in that car? Either way, Bond flips a switch, shoots mud out the back blinding the car. It falls off the road/cliff, lands in some poor dude’s house and has a mini-explosion. Everyone died, except for Jaws who walks out of the house as if nothing happened. Guess he had his tray table up and his seatback in the full upright position.

Now they’re being chased by a helicopter with machine guns piloted by super sexy Naomi, who was somehow able to make eyes with Bond and wink at him. XXX is still not amused. Oh no! He drove the Lotus into the water. Is this thing going to turn into a sub? Yup, its a fucking transformer! I’m here for it. Oh snap! He shot a rocket from the car/sub into the helicopter hovering above them. Poor Naomi, she was too sexy to die!

They’re driving their Lotus sub to the legion of doom. I’m enjoying this so much I don’t even mind the underwater adventures, as long as there are no scuba fights. Fuck, the sub is being chased by scuba men. I jinxed it! At least they have those scuba scooters so they can move quickly. Plus the funky disco music helps. Uh oh, bad guys have their own mini sub and they’re shooting torpedoes at each other! The Lotus sprung a  leak! XXX took over pressing buttons. Ink spray and then dropped a mine, bad guy sub is gone. Ha, Bond asked how she knew which buttons to push, she said she stole the blueprints two years ago. But then why was she surprised when they drove into the water? Don’t let me down now, movie! They drove to a beach, transformed back into car mode, and drove away. Why did bond have a fish that he dropped outside the window?

Uh oh, she’s about to find out Bond killed her fella. Bond gave zero fucks about killing that dude. Whelp, she doesn’t like him anymore. Threatened to kill him after this mission. She gonna die, isn’t she?

They board an American sub and everyone is getting all horny sailor around XXX.

Sub has to surface and it gets swallowed up by a giant tanker ship. Very similar to the space capsules being captured way back in You Only Live Twice.

Ah, so XXX is the Bond girl that Ringo Starr married, as mentioned in Love Actually. We watch that movie every year when decorating the tree and now I know.

How do you get a job with the bad guys? He has a bunch of dudes at consoles running things. How do they get those jobs? Do they know they’re working towards global domination or whatever? Are they promised a cut of any ransom? Do they know how expendable they are? Seems stressful and very high risk. Not sure if the benefits are worth it.

Maybe the female spy shouldn’t have hair that can reach her ass. Makes it harder to hide with a bunch of dudes.

Oh, Stromberg is one of those villains. Not doing this for money or power. He thinks he’s creating a new world for the better. He’s targeting Moscow and NY? Why not DC? Who cares if NY is gone? Oh no, no more overrated pizza, how will this huge country survive?

Ugh, his legion of doom base he calls Atlantis? So unoriginal.

Bond frees all the other sub crews. For some reason the Village People’s In the Navy popped into my head. They all head to the armory. Why would you keep grenades on a ship? That’s seems like bad idea jeans. Wow, that one extra really milked his death. Made the most of his two seconds on screen. Throwing a lot of grenades on this ship.

Bond is taking a nuke apart. He used it to break into the control room and make the stolen subs shoot their nukes at each other instead. So much for the two stolen subs. Now they’re all boarding the US sub. Are they all gonna fit? Guess enough people died in the battle. Sub captain launched a torpedo to blast open the door of the ship and escape. Couldn’t they just have submerged? So much for the giant tanker ship.

Uh oh, sub has orders from the pentagon to destroy Atlantis, but XXX is still onboard. Bond buys himself an hour. Ha, Q sent him a ghetto jet ski he had to build. Uh oh, Bond is in the elevator of doom, but Bond didn’t fall for the trap door. Damn. Stromberg is at the head of a super long table, gets Bond to sit at the other end. He has some wacky gun with a long tube underneath and shoots, but Bond dodges then shoot back like four times, slowly. Stop! He’s dead!

Jaws! Forgot all about him. Oh no, a giant magnet? Lol, his teeth are stuck to it and Bonds asks, “How does that grab you?” He dropped him into the shark tank, except my man bit the fucking shark! Also, can they sue Spielberg since this came first?

Bond found XXX and the sub launched a torpedo at Atlantis. They find an escape pod thingy. It has a very comfy looking round couch inside. Also XXX is wearing a skimpy bikini top that is now soaked. Oh, she pulled a gun on Bond saying the mission is over! Oh really? Bond says a condemned man gets a final request, she says okay. He says lets get out of these wet things and they start to kiss. She got over what’s-his-face pretty quick, I guess. Bond’s magic dick strikes again!

Jaws lives! He’s swimming away in the middle of nowhere. I’m guessing he’ll make it.

Wow. They banged, then XXX is like what will our superiors say? Bond says they’ll never know. Their superiors find the pod and catch it. There’s a giant window and all the head guys see them naked and making out. They ask Bond what he’s doing. He tells them, “Keeping the British end up, sir,” then closes the curtain.

The End.

This is around the time where closing credits in movies started getting more detailed, but still nowhere near what they are now.

Bond will return in For Your Eyes Only (which is a lie, but we’ll deal with that next time).

Several people tell me all the Moore ones are bad and I’ve heard how campy they are, but I really liked this. Yes there was some camp, silliness, cheese, whatever you want to call it, but it was also fun. I think this was actually one of my favorites so far. The last few really were leaving bad tastes in my mouth and I was worried if I could continue going through them, but this gave me some hope. Really looking forward to Moonraker. Assuming that one will be over the top bonkers, but hoping also in a fun way like this one. In fact, I’m going to put it on now. Bond double feature!

Wow, now the theme is very orchestratic. Is that a word? Guess it is now.

Gah! Saruman has three nipples!

Da plane! Da plane!

Generic mobster guy (this actor always plays generic mobster guy) shows up to kill Count Doku in a fun house? Tattoo is orchestrating it? What is happening?

Dracula shot mob guy in the head with a, you guessed it, golden gun.

Lol, Tattoo’s name is Nick Nack! Get it? Because he’s so small.

Yikes this opening is bad. Who the fuck is Lulu?

Moore needs a hat he can toss onto coat racks.

Saruman is an assassin and sent a gold bullet to Bond saying he’s next. So Bond is forced to take a sabbatical. He gonna find Doku first!

Still love Moneypenny. Fun fact, she’s the same age as Moore.

Is this one a comedy? So golden gun killed 002 in Beirut back in ’69 (nice) but it’s unconfirmed since no one found the bullet. Bond goes there and finds the dancing girl who was with him when he was shot. Apparently the bullet went through him and into the wall, so she took it and turned it into a belly button charm for good luck? Bond puts the moves on her to get it and is kissing her stomach and goes to grab it with his mouth, but that’s when goons bust in and he accidentally swallows it. They have a big slap fight and he leaves.

He poops out the bullet and gives it to Q. They send him to Macau to find the dude who made the bullet.

New woman named Goodnight. Ugh. Assuming she’ll be dead soon based on the previous films.

Oooooh, a surprise! Hehehehe….

Bond was following a woman who picked up the gold bullet shipment. Tracks her to a hotel and sneaks in to find her in the shower. So naturally he casually waits in the bathroom for her to come out. Ha she showers with a gun! Jeez, he’s twisting her arm pretty damn far. That actress can’t be enjoying that. Aaaaand he slapped her.

Strip club called Bottoms Up. Also, the only strip club with no nudity.

Uh oh, golden sniper missed…or did he? Looks like it was a setup to kidnap Bond?

Does he use that gun as a sex toy? Creepy scene with shower girl (Andrea).

Ah, it was the good guys spies that kidnapped him.

Ha, they’re talking about solar energy and how it would solve the energy crisis. They’re adorable.

So they go to some dude’s stronghold. Bond just waltzes in and finds a pretty naked girl going for a swim and she is like hi strange man, please join me. He’s found by someone not wanting to bang him but Bond has a fake third nipple, so he’s posing as gold gun dude, except he isn’t fooling anyone.

Boo, Bond says dude found him quite titillating as he throws the fake nipple away.

Sumo wrestlers fighting Bond. Lol, one had him in a bear hug so he gave him a wedgie to get out of it. This is a comedy. Nick Nack hit him in the head with a trident. He should meet up with Brick.

Could have killed him, but instead they send him to “school.”

Messed up. Bond kicked the guy while he bowed to him. No honor.

These fight scenes…I’m not convinced Roger Moore could beat up my grandmother, and she’s been dead for over twenty years.

Nice. Bond has a Hong Kong contact and he has two nieces with him. As Bond was escaping the school they show up to help. Goons come out and Bond is like, stand back girls, They push him aside and kick all kinds of ass. At least someone in this movie can fight.

Messed up. Bond is in a boat and some kid gets in trying to sell him a trinket. He’s haggling, going from 40 to 20, and Bond is like, kid I’ll give you 20,000 if you can make this thing go faster. Kid turns a knob and boom. Bond throws him overboard and says I’ll have to owe you. That kid ain’t seeing that money, assuming he doesn’t drown.

WTF? The racist cop from the last movie is there on vacation? Did someone actually want to see him ever again? Jesus the 70’s were a dangerous place. How did we survive? *looks around* Oh, right. Okay, now I know this is unrealistic. They get off the boat and the wife is like, oh I want one of these elephants trinkets. Racist cop spits and says elephants? We’re democrats! What in the actual fuck? Then he says something racist to the locals. He’s calling them pointy heads? Why are they showing so much of this cop?!?!?! He insulted a baby elephant and it shoved him into the water. Please, no more. I surrender movie. Here, take my money, I give up.

Looks like Bond and Goodnight are about to have a good night. See what this movie has done to me? Oops, interrupted by Andrea. So she sent the bullet to get Bond’s help to free her from golden gun. She offers him stuff to help her, including offering herself. Also this is all happening while Goodnight is hiding under the covers in bed. Then he shoves her in the closet while Andrea goes to change. Wow, are they gonna bang with her in the closet? What a scumbag!

Poor Goodnight fell asleep standing up in the closet. He left her in there for two hours! Well, she went there to get fucked, looks like she did.

Bond went to meet Andrea at a fight. Oh, she’s dead. I guessed the wrong woman. Doku shows up with Nick Nack.

Remember when you could call someone a midget? This movie remembers.

Uh oh, Goodnight went to put a tracker in Nick Nack’s car trunk but Saruman tossed her in.

Oh c’mon! For some reason there’s an AMC dealership there and the racist cop is in a car wanting a demo. Aren’t we still in Asia? What is happening? Bond hops in the car and drives it through the window to chase after Goodnight. Who needs an Aston Martin when you can drive an AMC Hornet? You’re starting to lose me movie…

That car looks like it handles as well as a tugboat.

Ha, Doku is in a white suit next to Nick Nack, looks so much like Mr. Rourke. Funny, this predates Fantasy Island by several years

Okay, you officially lost me. They just did a stupid flipping jump over a broken bridge and a slide whistle played during the jump. A…slide…whistle! Up until this point I was enjoying the film well enough. It was a little silly, but doing okay. Like many things in life, it was ruined by a racist cop. Forty more minutes. Suck it up, Jason, you got this!

Fat, racist, red neck cop is bad at stealth? Who could have guessed?

The bad guys attached wings and a jet to the car. It drove off and then flew away. Wow. Oh shit, Goodnight is still in the trunk and she just popped it open. Surprise you’re in the air!

What a terrible jacket for Bond. Is he selling AMC cars now?

Is he using solar power for a frickin’ laser? An invisible laser? I dunno, whatever.

There’s Goodnight. In a bikini, which I believe is a legal requirement in these movies.

Bond and Doku having an old school duel.

As they step away they keep cutting to Goodnight and some goon staring at her body and eye fucking the shit out of her. He’s a super creep. Uh oh, now he’s making his move on her.

After twenty paces Bond turns and golden gun is gone. What a cheat! Hmm, is Nick Nack helping or is it a tarp? Yup.

He’s in the funhouse of doom and dropped his gun. Oops. Ha, in the opening they showed us a wax statue of Bond. So real Bond posed as it and shot Doku. Yes! Goodnight knocked out the creeper goon and he fell into acid? No some pool of water and it says it must be kept at absolute zero? But it’s liquid? And in open air at room temp? Not sure the science is adding up here. I’m guessing the writers thought absolute zero is like zero Fahrenheit. Fun fact, it’s −459.67 °F.

Ha, while Bond is trying to get the MacGuffin, Goodnight’s sexy ass hit a button and turned on the laser. My god, she is useless! Isn’t she supposed to be an agent or something? Ha, she was hitting random buttons but a cloud covered the sun, so now there’s tension. We’re literally watching clouds move. Excitement!

They’re escaping on an old pirate ship as the island blows up. Ahoy!

The ship has auto pilot and they have eight hours to kill, so they fucked. Ah! Nick Nack is watching them like ceiling cat! WTF? He put a knife in his mouth but with the blade vertical so it would cut the shit out of his lips when he held onto it. Do they never yell cut on these movies?

Bond vs Nick Nack. This is embarrassing. Oh no…he isn’t…yup, he put him in a suitcase.

Somehow M called them on the boat. He wanted to speak to Goodnight, so Bond tells him, “She’s just coming, sir.” As they continue to make-out, M keeps saying Goodnight, so Bond says, “Goodnight sir,” and hangs up. Cut to the sails and somehow Nick Nack to tied up way at the top where he’s gonna die from exposure, and we get another wacky song saying goodnight goodnight.

The end.

Ha, that bridge jump is in the credits as AMC Astro Spiral Jump. How much did AMC pay to be in this?

Bond will return in The Spy Who Loved Me.

I’m not going to look it up and ruin the surprise, but I really hope that racist cop doesn’t come back again. Unless it’s in Moonraker, in which case shoot him into spaaaaaace! This one was just too wacky and once again the redneck cop and AMC stuff took me out of it. Up until the I was enjoying it well enough. At least they cut down on the amount of sexual misconducts that Connery had.

Now we move on to Roger Moore. This is the first film to come out when I was alive and all through my childhood Moore was 007, so he’s the guy I always thought of as James Bond. Plus he had a very fun role in The Cannonball Run, leaning into being Bond. Doesn’t mean he’s my favorite, just the first one I think of. So last film I thought Connery was looking too old for the role, so naturally they replace him with a guy three years older. And of course the women stay the same age, if not younger. Remind me of the creep McConaughey played in Dazed and Confused (such a disturbing film that I don’t understand the love for.)

Anywho, the Bond theme sounds more jazzy.

Exterior shot of the UN in New York shot with shaky cam.

Bunch of bored UN dudes. Someone in the control booth swaps the translation audio for the UK guy and zaps his ears, killing him somehow?

Cut to New Orleans. There’s a sad funeral procession in the street. Some random white dude asks who’s funeral? Someone says his and stabs him. They put him in the casket and suddenly it’s Mardi Gras. They must have hated him.

Now we’re in the Caribbean. White guy tied to a stake, bunch of locals dancing like crazy and some shaman dude with a big snake. Snake bites white dude and kills him. There’s gonna be voodoo stuff I’m guessing. Is this movie going to be unintentionally very racist? 

Best…Bond song…ever. I will not debate this.

Introducing Jane Seymour!

Our first look at Moore and he’s already in bed with a woman laying on him. She’s begging for more and he’s like gotta get the door. It’s M. Oh, dead dudes were all agents. Ha, he’s trying to hide the woman from M. Turns out she’s an operative from his last mission that no one can find for some reason. Moneypenny comes in and finds her sneaking into a closet. Moneypenny helps keep her hidden from M. She is a complex lady.

Bond goes to New York and is picked up by a CIA guy. As they drive another car rolls up next to them and shoots the driver. They trace the car to a voodoo shop? This can’t be good.

Lol, they called Bond a honky.

Ugh, Mr. Big? What a lazy name. Henchman has a claw hand and he bent Bond’s gun. Almost didn’t recognize that was Jane Seymour, she’s so young! Twenty-two when this was released. She’s playing a tarot card person named Solitaire. Bond flips a card that’s supposed to be him and it’s The Fool. Then of course before the goons take him away he picks another. It’s The Lovers for him and Solitaire because of course.

OMG, it’s the 7UP guy! Is he playing Two-Face?

Bond goes to the Caribbean and finds out his room was switched by “Mrs. Bond.” In his room he finds women’s clothes in the closet which he sniffs like a creep. Someone slips a snake into his bathroom. Yuck, he uses his spray can and cigar to blow torch the snake.

So Mrs. Bond is another CIA agent, Rosie, and she’s pretty terrible. Both as an actress and an agent it seems.

They get on a boat and of course she’s in a bikini, and did Bond just grab her ass?

Jesus she is bad. Oh, and now she’s dead. Of course Bond banged her first and knew she was a double agent.

Smoking a cigar while hang-gliding, as one does.

Bond using tarot cards to get in Solitaire’s pants. Side note he’s old enough to be her father. That fucker, stacked the deck so they were all The Lovers cards. Ugh, he took her virginity! She’s looks so distraught in bed after, this is terrible. And she thinks she lost her magic powers as well because of it. But then wants to do it again. Guess she got over it real quick. Bond must have a magic dick.

Is that police car an old Chevy Nova? We had one of those when I was growing up.

Oh, that’s why Mr. Big looked so goofy, like a late day Michael Jackson. It was a bad mask.

Ha, bad guy said he and the phone company would be the only monopolies in the country for years to come. Who wants to tell him? Also his monopoly will be in heroin.

They tried to feed Bond to crocs and gators but he escaped by running on their backs. Now it’s a speed boat chase!

Oh boy, red neck racist cop. Jesus this is bad and sadly probably extremely accurate. Ha, a boat smashed into his cop car. I guess he’s supposed to be comic relief? And how on earth does a local sheriff have jurisdiction over state troopers? And of course he has a brother-in-law named Billy Bob. And every time they call a black man “boy” I cringe. This is not the level of racism I was expecting.

A bunch of stuff happened and Bond wins. I pretty much tuned out.

The End.

Bond will return in The Man With the Golden Gun.

Can’t say I really liked this one. It does not hold up well. Maybe it played better in the early 70’s but man, once that racist cop showed up it really took me out of it. Plus that Rosie was such a bad actress. There’s a new trend where they introduce an attractive, but terrible, actress and then kill her almost immediately. According to Rotten Tomatoes, the next one should be a real stinker, but I guess we’ll see.

Connery is back! Was curious what happened and the internet told me he was done with Bond and wasn’t even speaking with the director on the last film, but the studio wanted him back so gave him big money (record deal at the time) and two back to back movies of his choice. So my expectations on his performance are pretty low.

And the theme sounds like the original again.

We open I guess in Japan as Bond throws a dude through tissue paper walls looking for Blofeld. He sends him to Cairo who sends him to a bikini woman named Marie. Holy fuck! She’s like can I help you? He walks over, embraces her and is like yeah I’d like you to get something off your chest, then rips off her bikini top and starts choking her wanting the location of Blofeld. These scenes remind me of Deadpool where he asks, “Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist not to hit you?”

New Blofeld and he has hair? Meh.

Wow, so a lot to unpack here, especially for a cold open. Bond tracks him down. Some goon is in a tub of goo. He was going to have plastic surgery to look like Blofeld. Bond drowns him in more goo. Blofeld and two more goons show up, they go to take Bond’s gun from inside his jacket but he had a mousetrap thing in there. He beats them up and kills one by throwing surgeon knives at him. Then he straps Blofeld to a table and sends him into another pit of boiling goo and he presumably dies as bond says, “Welcome to hell, Blofeld.” So yeah, that was a lot. Where the hell do they go from here?

They even brought back Shirley Bassey.

Bond was on holiday to hunt down Blofeld. Weird idea of a vacation.

Wow, what are these two mutant nerds? They meet up with a dentist who is stealing diamonds from a mine he works at in South Africa to sell to these dorks. They double cross him by putting a scorpion down the back of his shirt. Then they meet up with someone on a helicopter that was supposed to meet the dentist. They give him a box and it blows up the copter in the air. They have a lot of bad lines then walk off in the desert holding hands. This is creepy weird.

Bond is in Amsterdam. Moneypenny still fishing for that engagement ring from him. Poor gal.

Yikes, a boat tour is happening and on their left is a body begin dragged out of the canal, murdered by our bad quipping creepy duo.

Wowzers! Bond is posing as Peter Franks and goes to meet, surprise, a sexy lady (Tiffany Case, lol). When he walks in she’s leaving the room and has blonde hair. She walks back in wearing only underwear and is a brunette, which Bond somehow notices even though he’s staring at her chest the entire time. She asks which he prefers and he says, “Well providing the collars and cuffs match…” Classy.

Oh she clever. Offered him a drink just to get his fingerprints off the glass. The prints matched? Magic. Funny how she has a copy of the guy’s fingerprint but not his face. And now she’s a redhead.

Ah, Q gave him a fake fingerprint. More clever.

The real Franks showed up, big fight in the elevator with Bond and now Franks is dead. Bond slipped his ID on the body, so now Tiffany thinks he killed Bond and is freaking out. This is the first time he’s truly been undercover and doing good spy stuff. I’m impressed and so far he did it without banging anyone!

Fuck these guys are creepy.

Mortician named Morton Slumber? C’mon.

Creepy boys knocked out Bond and put him in a casket to be cremated.

God these guys suck. Their lines are so cringey bad. I hope they aren’t implying they’re gay, because it’s a really bad look. Like they’re saying they’re so creepy they’re even HOMOSEXUALS!

Wait what? He’s about to be burned up then magically the casket is pulled out and he’s fine. That was a a bad misdirect. Too many double crosses at play here.

Bonds is playing craps and oh fuck you movie. Super busty gold digging lady walks over to him and says she’s Plenty. Bonds says, “But of course you are.” Her full name is Plenty O’Toole. GTFO. Huh, she’s Natalie Wood’s sister and apparently a bad actress. And there goes her dress, but no bra. Oops, they aren’t alone. Damn, they threw her out the window and into the pool. Of course they say they didn’t know there was a pool down there and leave. Tiffany is in the bed and wanted Bond all for herself. Bond doesn’t care who it is, as long as he gets his dick wet.

Tiffany is playing blackjack and the dealer gives her a card that says to go play the water balloons. It’s one of those kid’s games where you shoot a water gun into a clown’s mouth and the first one to pop the balloon wins. She’s playing but not really trying and wins anyway because it’s part of the setup. Little nerdy kid with glasses next to her loses his shit because it was obviously fixed. She tells the kid, “Blow up your pants.” Also I am acutely aware that I would be that little kid back in the day.

Nice. They have an exhibit/show for kids that is designed to scare the shit out of them and cause a stampede. Ah, the dangerous carefree 70’s.

Damn, Plenty is dead already? That was quick. Also messed up coincidence her character drowns considering that’s how her sister died as well.

Whelp, Bond slapped Tiffany. Welcome to the club.

This is quickly going off the rails. Bond snuck into some lab place following the diamonds. He stumbles onto a moon landing set, steals a rover and is being chased in the desert first by guards in a car not equipped for sand, then by goons on trikes. I was enjoying this one but now it’s getting silly.

Cops pulls them over, walks up to the car, Bond slams it into reverse and the cop stares like he didn’t know cars could do that.

Filming a car chase in Vegas can’t be cheap or easy, even back then. Also that’s a sweet Mustang they’re driving.

Down a dead end alley, but there’s a narrow walkway at the end. Bond hits a side ramp and goes on two wheels fitting through the walkway. Cop tries it and flips. This is just goofy.

Okay, that was pretty slick. He rode on top of an elevator then used a little grappling gadget to climb up on the roof, all in his tux.

Oh fuck, it’s the new lame Blofeld. Oh wait, two of them? Bah, it was a double he killed.

That was the take they went with? He shoots one of the Blofelds in the head with the grapple gun I think and he has a crazy delayed reaction before falling backwards. Yell cut or edit that tighter. So weird.

Of course it was the other double he killed and he used one of the cats as a distraction, so his response was, “Wrong pussy.”

Blofeld sends him away in an elevator (just shoot him dummy!) He’s gassed and when it opens the creepy twins are there waiting.

Bambi and Thumper? Ha, she tells him they’re going to have a ball then knees him in the nuts. Some crazy gymkata shit going on here. They kicking Bond’s ass. He’s definitively looking too old for this shit. 

Q is scamming the slot machines.

Blofeld is an even uglier woman.

Blofeld launched a satellite that uses the diamonds for a big frickin laser, now it’s blowing shit up. They’re targeting nukes around the world, but doesn’t seem to be any fallout from that. Convenient.

So is SPECTRE just not allowed to shoot Bond? Did he call no shootsies or something?

Blofeld had kidnapped/turned Tiffany, so she’s lounging around in a bikini and looking damn good. Of course she’s still on Bond’s side.

Blofeld throwing shade at the state of Kansas.

Why would you let Bond anywhere near your controls? He switched the control tape or something. Ha, he put the real tape in Tiffany’s suit bottom and she went and switched it back thinking she did good. Bond called her a “stupid twit.” That doesn’t seem nice.

Ugh, so again instead of shooting him they throw him in the “brig” which is just a supply closet with a hole in the floor he can escape through. Blofeld is a fucking moron.

Blofeld tries to escape in a sub lowered by crane. Bond takes control of the crane and is fucking with him.

Lol, he tells Tiffany to pick up a gun and shoot the bad guys. It’s a machine gun. She shoots, it recoils up into the air and forces her backward where she falls into the water. Did I mention they’re on an oil rig in the ocean? Because they are.

The rig blows up so Blofeld is presumably dead again. Now Bond and Tiffany are taking a cruise to celebrate. Ugh, the creepy twins are on board. Forgot about those twerps. They’re posing as room service waiters. They have a bomb hidden in a cake.

Yikes, creepy twin one grab a couple kabobs and sets them on fire. Bond breaks a bottle of booze and splashes him, now the creeper is on fire. Bad plan. He jumped overboard.

I can’t even describe what he did to the other one, but he fell off the boat and went boom.

The end.

Holy shit! One of the creeps is Crispin Glovr’s dad! That makes total sense.

Bond will return in Live and Let Die.

Once again, feel like they can cut twenty minutes off this thing and improve it. Connery is too old for this gig, so probably good this is his last one (sort of). Another bad Blofeld. And why give him hair? None of this makes sense. Overall it was enjoyable and Connery didn’t appear to fully phone it in like I assumed he would after getting paid. Bring on that Roger Moore chap!

First film without Connery and even the theme sounds different before the cold open.

They’re being all coy, not showing his face yet.

He finds a pretty lady on the beach wandering into the ocean, so he runs out to save her. Couple of goons show up and they have a big slap fight. Bond wins, but the girl ran off so he says, “This never happened to the other fella.” Guess they’re going to address the elephant in the room?

Damn, Lazenby doesn’t even get a song?

His Aston Martin is not as sexy. Also green?

Go Fish! Pretty beach lady (Tracy) waltzes up and loses but has no money to pay (but she’s a countess?) So Bond is like oh we’re partners and pays. That got him an invite to her room. That’s is a super high class escort.

Ouch. He goes to her room and finds a very large man waiting. His punches have zero effect on him, yet somehow Bond beats him up then just leaves? But not before snagging some caviar and being all pretentious about it.

Oh, back to his room and Tracy is there looking sexy in a short robe and showing off her bra. She steals his gun. Damn, he quick grabs her wrist to get her to drop the gun then slaps her across the face. You can take the Connery out of the role….

Thought she looked familiar. It’s Diana Rigg from The Avengers (no, not those Avengers) and why did I not know she was in Game of Thrones? I had no idea what with her being all old then and all. Or I knew and have since forgotten because I am also old and forgetful. Also, RIP.

They bang and she sneaks out in the morning.

Big dude and the two goons (sounds like a pizza place) abduct Bond at gunpoint. Big dude’s lines so far are “Hmmmm.” They take him to meet some smarmy looking guy, but first Bond beat all three guys up as one does. Lazenby does some super exaggerated upper cuts in fight scenes. Smarmy guy has his pretty assistant get him a martini shaken not stirred.

He’s a mob guy and they name dropped SPECTRE. He’s also Tracy’s dad. Ha, he knows Bond banged her but he’s like all good, bro. Ugh, he then says she needs, “…a man to dominate her. To make love to her enough to make her love him.” Times like this I’m okay growing up without a father. He offers Bond a million pounds (the currency, not the weight) in gold to marry her. I mean, where is the down side to this plan? Of course Bond says no, but he wants info on Blofeld instead of money.

Moneypenny is starting to show her age, but is still the sexiest woman in all these films.

M relieves Bond from the Blofeld case so he resigns! He tells Moneypenny to write up his resignation letter. Instead he gets two weeks leave, because that’s what she wrote instead. That Moneypenny is clever. Bond doesn’t even deserve her.

Bull fighting, gross. Well, it’s a bunch of dudes taunting and trying to tackle a bull? Whatever the fuck that is, nope.

Bond and Tracy dating montage? Did I switch channels? Is this…is this a rom-com now?

Lol Bond looking at Playboy magazine.

New Blofeld, same cat. Who loves ya, baby?

I don’t know what’s happening. A diverse group of pretty women are eating food very suggestively.

Bond is wearing a kilt. Woman sitting next to him writes on his thigh with lipstick. Someone asks him if he’s okay and says a slight stiffness has come on. She wrote her room number, so he stopped by later and banged her. So much for the rom-com with Tracy.

Back in his room and another lady is waiting for him. These women are gonna wear him out!

Curling!

Ha, someone asked if his stiffness from last night is gone. Nice.

Oh shit, he made plans to meet with three of the ladies again that night (at 8, 9, and 10. Just an hour each?) In the first room the head lady was there instead and he got hit in the head. Blofeld outed him as Bond.

Ski chase. A little weird but still better than scuba fights.

Bond just said, “I love you” and proposed to Tracy!!!! She gonna die. Also love how he compartmentalizes all the banging as being done for work and meaningless. I guess that’s how sex workers operate too.

Shit! Another ski chase. There’s a big snow plow and Bond and Tracy jump over it. Bad guy fell into plow and now it’s spitting out red snow and body parts? Ugh and Bond quipped, “He had lots of guts.”

Kojak caused an avalanche. Things are not looking good. They kidnapped Tracy but Bond was left behind. He ain’t dead.

WTF? So daring rescue to save Tracy sponsored by her dad. They plant explosives everywhere but Bond is chasing Kojak. Tracy is trying to go back to save him but dad’s like no, time to go. She won’t listen so he punches her in the face! Knocking her our and says, “Spare the rod and spoil the child, huh?” Again, WTF?

Bobsled chase scene!

Ha, Kojak threw his gun cause he was out of bullets. This is during said bobsled chase scene, mind you.

That St. Bernard is awesome. Love that cliché with ski resorts.

Holy shit, they actually got married?!?!

Aw, Moneypenny looks miserable. I’m sad now.

Whelp there it is. Kojak and the head lady did a drive by and shot up Tracy. She dead.

The end.

Bond will return in Diamonds are Forever.

This one was different and pretty good, but I’m a little confused. So at first the line about “the other guy” implies he’s a different guy in the move as James Bond 007, but everyone else (Moneypenny, M, Q) treat him as if he’s the same guy we know from the other films. Whereas Blofeld is supposed to be the same person just a new actor, as far as I know. So if it’s the former then Blofeld not knowing who he was on sight makes sense. If it’s the latter (which I think it is and that opening line was just a wink to the audience) then it makes no sense. Bond going undercover and working/talking with Blofeld wouldn’t work from jump since they met last film. I’m sure some super Bond nerd somewhere could set me straight, but as a layman not a fan of inconsistencies like this.

As to Lazenby, he was okay I think. I dunno, would need to see more of him to know for sure, but alas I never will.

Kojak as Blofeld was not good. Didn’t like him in the role at all. And the fact he was trying to get into Tracy’s pants seemed out of character from what I’ve seen so far. Big thumbs down on that one.