First film without Connery and even the theme sounds different before the cold open.
They’re being all coy, not showing his face yet.
He finds a pretty lady on the beach wandering into the ocean, so he runs out to save her. Couple of goons show up and they have a big slap fight. Bond wins, but the girl ran off so he says, “This never happened to the other fella.” Guess they’re going to address the elephant in the room?
Damn, Lazenby doesn’t even get a song?
His Aston Martin is not as sexy. Also green?
Go Fish! Pretty beach lady (Tracy) waltzes up and loses but has no money to pay (but she’s a countess?) So Bond is like oh we’re partners and pays. That got him an invite to her room. That’s is a super high class escort.
Ouch. He goes to her room and finds a very large man waiting. His punches have zero effect on him, yet somehow Bond beats him up then just leaves? But not before snagging some caviar and being all pretentious about it.
Oh, back to his room and Tracy is there looking sexy in a short robe and showing off her bra. She steals his gun. Damn, he quick grabs her wrist to get her to drop the gun then slaps her across the face. You can take the Connery out of the role….
Thought she looked familiar. It’s Diana Rigg from The Avengers (no, not those Avengers) and why did I not know she was in Game of Thrones? I had no idea what with her being all old then and all. Or I knew and have since forgotten because I am also old and forgetful. Also, RIP.
They bang and she sneaks out in the morning.
Big dude and the two goons (sounds like a pizza place) abduct Bond at gunpoint. Big dude’s lines so far are “Hmmmm.” They take him to meet some smarmy looking guy, but first Bond beat all three guys up as one does. Lazenby does some super exaggerated upper cuts in fight scenes. Smarmy guy has his pretty assistant get him a martini shaken not stirred.
He’s a mob guy and they name dropped SPECTRE. He’s also Tracy’s dad. Ha, he knows Bond banged her but he’s like all good, bro. Ugh, he then says she needs, “…a man to dominate her. To make love to her enough to make her love him.” Times like this I’m okay growing up without a father. He offers Bond a million pounds (the currency, not the weight) in gold to marry her. I mean, where is the down side to this plan? Of course Bond says no, but he wants info on Blofeld instead of money.
Moneypenny is starting to show her age, but is still the sexiest woman in all these films.
M relieves Bond from the Blofeld case so he resigns! He tells Moneypenny to write up his resignation letter. Instead he gets two weeks leave, because that’s what she wrote instead. That Moneypenny is clever. Bond doesn’t even deserve her.
Bull fighting, gross. Well, it’s a bunch of dudes taunting and trying to tackle a bull? Whatever the fuck that is, nope.
Bond and Tracy dating montage? Did I switch channels? Is this…is this a rom-com now?
Lol Bond looking at Playboy magazine.
New Blofeld, same cat. Who loves ya, baby?
I don’t know what’s happening. A diverse group of pretty women are eating food very suggestively.
Bond is wearing a kilt. Woman sitting next to him writes on his thigh with lipstick. Someone asks him if he’s okay and says a slight stiffness has come on. She wrote her room number, so he stopped by later and banged her. So much for the rom-com with Tracy.
Back in his room and another lady is waiting for him. These women are gonna wear him out!
Curling!
Ha, someone asked if his stiffness from last night is gone. Nice.
Oh shit, he made plans to meet with three of the ladies again that night (at 8, 9, and 10. Just an hour each?) In the first room the head lady was there instead and he got hit in the head. Blofeld outed him as Bond.
Ski chase. A little weird but still better than scuba fights.
Bond just said, “I love you” and proposed to Tracy!!!! She gonna die. Also love how he compartmentalizes all the banging as being done for work and meaningless. I guess that’s how sex workers operate too.
Shit! Another ski chase. There’s a big snow plow and Bond and Tracy jump over it. Bad guy fell into plow and now it’s spitting out red snow and body parts? Ugh and Bond quipped, “He had lots of guts.”
Kojak caused an avalanche. Things are not looking good. They kidnapped Tracy but Bond was left behind. He ain’t dead.
WTF? So daring rescue to save Tracy sponsored by her dad. They plant explosives everywhere but Bond is chasing Kojak. Tracy is trying to go back to save him but dad’s like no, time to go. She won’t listen so he punches her in the face! Knocking her our and says, “Spare the rod and spoil the child, huh?” Again, WTF?
Bobsled chase scene!
Ha, Kojak threw his gun cause he was out of bullets. This is during said bobsled chase scene, mind you.
That St. Bernard is awesome. Love that cliché with ski resorts.
Holy shit, they actually got married?!?!
Aw, Moneypenny looks miserable. I’m sad now.
Whelp there it is. Kojak and the head lady did a drive by and shot up Tracy. She dead.
The end.
Bond will return in Diamonds are Forever.
This one was different and pretty good, but I’m a little confused. So at first the line about “the other guy” implies he’s a different guy in the move as James Bond 007, but everyone else (Moneypenny, M, Q) treat him as if he’s the same guy we know from the other films. Whereas Blofeld is supposed to be the same person just a new actor, as far as I know. So if it’s the former then Blofeld not knowing who he was on sight makes sense. If it’s the latter (which I think it is and that opening line was just a wink to the audience) then it makes no sense. Bond going undercover and working/talking with Blofeld wouldn’t work from jump since they met last film. I’m sure some super Bond nerd somewhere could set me straight, but as a layman not a fan of inconsistencies like this.
As to Lazenby, he was okay I think. I dunno, would need to see more of him to know for sure, but alas I never will.
Kojak as Blofeld was not good. Didn’t like him in the role at all. And the fact he was trying to get into Tracy’s pants seemed out of character from what I’ve seen so far. Big thumbs down on that one.