Month: November 2021 (Page 1 of 2)

I just recently found out that the next film indeed was going to be For Your Eyes Only, but then Star Wars happened and changed movies as we know it. Trying to cash in on that, the studio suits decided to put Bond in spaaaaace. And that gives us Moonraker. If there’s some kind of droid or robot in this I may quite literally soil my pants. Shit, even the movie poster looks like Star Wars. They aren’t even trying to hide it.

Well there’s our movie title. The space shuttle is named Moonraker. Got that one out of the way early. Shuttle is on the back of a plane and there were stowaways on the shuttle and they just flew it off the plane, causing it to explode. I don’t think the space shuttle works like that.

Love it. M is looking for Bond and asks Moneypenny if he’s back yet. She tells him he’s on his last leg. Cut to Bond sliding his hand up a sexy lady’s leg. Keep being you, movie. He’s on a private plane and the sexy lady is a flight attendant, but she pulls a gun on him! The pilot comes out, takes the gun and shoots the controls. They both have parachutes and plan to leave him to crash (again, you have a gun, just shoot him!). They fight, Bond throws the pilot out the door but then someone pushes Bond from behind out as well. It’s Jaws! Bond dives down and catches up with the pilot. They struggle and he gets the chute away from him, kicking the pilot away screaming. Oh, but here comes Jaws! Wow, so Jaws catches up to him, is about to bite his ankle, so Bond pulls his chute. Jaws goes to pull his but the ripcord breaks, so instead he flaps his arms like wings. When that doesn’t work he falls into the big top tent of a circus and then we go into the opening. Will this be too over the top silly, even for me?

Back to Shirley Bassey, but not her best.

In the office Bond is tasked with finding the shuttle. He’s off to California where it was built. Q gives him a wrist shooter with either armor piercing or cyanide darts.

We quickly established Drax, who built the shuttle, is a rich asshole. Assuming he’s the bad guy. Yup, Drax tells his Asian goon stereotype to kill bond.

There’s a Dr. Goodhead? Oh this should be good. Holly Goodhead. Killing me. Bond is all surprised it’s a woman and being all sexist and creepy. Women can be doctors? Will wonders never cease! She is not amused by his “charm.”

She straps him into a centrifuge and tells him to relax, a seventy year old can handle three G’s. Also says it can go up to twenty G’s, but that’s fatal. Umm, why design it to go that fast then? Moore is into his fifties at this point and it’s starting to show in his face. She shows him the “chicken switch” which will turn it off if it’s too much. Asian goon shows up and tells Holly that Drax wants to talk to her, then he goes to the control room and has the instructor leave. He turns it way up. At seven G’s Bond hits the switch but it’s disabled. He had it into the teens when Bond uses his new wrist gadget to shoot the controls and stop it.

There was a cute French helicopter pilot that took bond to the Drax compound. Bond found her later and banged her for information I guess? I dunno, the scene seemed very forced like hey we gotta have him have sex with someone here. So whatever.

Bunch of white dudes shooting pheasants. And they have the balls to call it a sport. What a bunch of assholes. Ha, there was a dude in a tree with a sniper rifle for Bond. Drax gave Bond a gun to shoot a pheasant, he fired and missed…or did he as the dude fell out of the tree dead. Then he just leaves. Maybe ask why that guy was there? Aw, Drax found out about French lady and Bond. He fired her then had his two big dogs murder her. Hope that magic Bond dick was worth it.

Suddenly we’re in Venice? Holly is there too. She’s still not impressed with his bullshit.

Bond is in a gondola when another boat comes by. It has a casket on top. It opens and a dude pops up and throws knives at him, killing his driver. Bond throws one back killing the dude then flips a switch and the gondola becomes a motorboat. Short chase later and another switch it becomes a hovercraft and can drive on land. This is getting weird and bad campy already, can we just go into space now? Ha, he had a gondola driver hat on and parked his boat then threw the hat onto an ornament of the boat.

Oh Jesus. He snuck into some building and found a door with a keypad. Goofy looking old scientist dude comes up and enters the code, its the tones from Close Encounters of the Third Kind, which came out the same year as Star Wars.

Yikes, Bond was sneaking around. Science guys came back and knocked something over. It broke, smoke filled the air and they died instantly. Guess they’re working on an airborne poison. Lucky for Bond he was in a safe room that sealed shut.

Here comes Asian stereotype goon. They fight in a room full of glass trinkets and smash the shit out of everything, including something that was established earlier as being over four hundred years old and worth a million bucks.

Too many of Moore’s quips fall really flat. Not his fault, just shitty writing. The fight goes up into a clock tower. Below them there’s a small performance going on with an operatic singer. Bond throws the dude through the glass clock front and he goes head first into a piano, so Bond says, “Play it again, Sam.” What? Why?

Ah, Holly works for the CIA. She has more gadgets than him…aaaaand they’re kissing. After some sex, he leaves. Still unsure of who used whom there.

Wow Bond took M to the lab and made them wear gas masks, but Drax already had the room cleaned out and looking like a fancy office.

Drax is on the phone looking for a replacement for Asian stereotype. Enter Jaws! The big man is back once again! Ah, the good old days of flying where there was only a metal detector and no strip searches and other over the top bullshit in the name of security. Of course Jaws sets it off. He simply smiles and they let him go.

Now we’re in Rio. He’s followed by a pretty lady who then appears in his room making him his drink that everyone knows about. She’s some other spy there to help and has great legs she ensures to show off when sitting. She takes him to a warehouse and there’s a carnival going on in the streets. He sneaks in while she waits in the alley and some big headed costume dude comes up to her. It’s Jaws! He’s about to bite her, but more party people go by. They leave and back to biting when Bond sees them from above and jumps down to attack, but even more party people come by and sweep Jaws away. Also when Jaws was holding legs lady up she looked so damn tiny in comparison.

Halfway through and still not in space. I’m pretty disappointed.

Bond runs into Holly and they take a sky gondola, but Jaws uses his monster strength to stop it. Ah, Bond and Holly are going down and Jaws was at the bottom. He climbed onto his own gondola and is now coming up to meet them. Jaws hops onto their gondola and the three of them have a very awkward fight. They manage to throw him back into the gondola (I’m typing that word a lot) and Bond throws a chain over the cable and they slide down. Jaws had a guy in the controls helping. He turned the motor back on, making it go faster and faster so Jaws was gaining on Bond. They jump and land safely on the ground while Jaws smashes into the station causing all kinds of destruction and rubble everywhere. Jaws is fine because he isn’t human, but this beautiful woman with braided pig tails and big boobs shows up. They look at each other, music swells and they run off holding hands. Does this mean no Jaws in space? What a let down. Bond and Holly start making out.

Ha, some medics show up to help. Bond is like we’re good and goes back to kissing, but they knock them out and take them away. They’re being taken away in an ambulance. Bonds breaks free and fights a guy, they both fall out the back, but Holly is still in the ambulance. Cut to bond wearing a poncho riding a horse with the Magnificent Seven theme playing. We’re getting further from space.

More Q gadget testing.

Bond heads to the Brazil to find a rare flower the poison is made from. He’s on a fancy boat and chased by other boats. Gadgets are deployed to blow them up. Jaws is on one of the boats. What happened to his new girl friend? Bond’s boat is heading towards these giant falls, so he deploys a hang glider and floats away leaving Jaws to go over. I can only assume he survives since he’s indestructible.

Bond lands and comes across a pretty woman in a white dress, so naturally he follows her. She leads him to a temple that is full of beautiful women wearing the same outfit. Looks like a sexy cult. It’s a trap! The floor tilts knocking him into a pool and a giant snakes is in there looking for dinner. He kills the snake with a special pen, swims to the edge and looks up to find Jaws waiting for him. And here comes Drax.

Three quarters through the movie, are we finally going to space? He just launched four space shuttles with a fifth ready to go. Uh oh, Bond and Holly are in a room that’s under the fifth shuttle and it’s about to blast off. That doesn’t look safe. They escape though a giant air vent and now there’s a sixth ready to launch. They knock out the crew and take their place. Their shuttle has a bunch of sexy couples on it. Bond makes a reference to Noah’s ark. All six shuttles are heading towards a giant space station…in spaaace!

Yay! Jaws brought his girlfriend to the space station! They are just adorable.

Yuck. Drax is talking about creating a “super race.” Not a good idea to follow in those footsteps. Of course, his idea of a super race is just hot looking people. What if they’re all idiots and/or assholes, huh? Is that the world you want to live in? *looks around at the world* Oh, right…

Bond and Holly disable the radar jamming device so the US sees it and mobilizes. Uh oh, Jaws found them. Hahahaha, Bond tried to punch him in the jaw again because he’s still stupid. Punching in the stomach doesn’t work. Tries the old knee in the groin and it makes the same sound as when he punched his jaw. So we’re led to believe Jaws has metal balls too? Now I feel bad for his girlfriend.

Space station has a frickin’ laser they’re going to use against the US shuttle. Meanwhile, Drax is going to throw Bond and Holly out the airlock, but Bond is clever and says for his “master race” anyone who doesn’t live up to his standards will be exterminated. Jaws is picking up what Bond is putting down as he looks at his girlfriend (which I’m a bit confused by. Are they implying she isn’t beautiful, because she is. Is it because she wears glasses? The 70’s were weird), and instead of throwing them out the airlock he attacks the guards. Go Jaws! Too bad it didn’t work.

Lol, there’s this big space station emergency stop button just sitting there. So Bond lunges forward and presses it and the station stops spinning and everyone goes flying (in different directions?). What a poor design. Now there’s no artificial gravity. They’re all moving around like the Six Million Dollar Man when he runs. Fun fact, when I was a kid I’d move around the house in slow motion. My mom is like WTF are you doing? I explained I’m running like the Six Million Dollar Man .

Oh no, is there going to be people fighting in space? Is this going to be like Thunderball? I don’t know if I want to be in space anymore. Shit, everyone has frickin’ lasers. It’s a mad house…in spaaaace! I can just picture the director for this scene muttering under his breath, “You want Star Wars? Here’s your fucking Star Wars .” Then doing another line of cocaine.

While all this is happening, Drax is launching globes of his poison to wipe out all life on Earth. Probably an important plot point.

Jaws as a good guy is making my day. Bond chases down Drax, but Drax picks up a laser gun from the floor. As Bond raises his hands he shoots a wrist dart into Drax’s chest. As he’s dying from the cyanide, Bond shoves him out the airlock telling him to, “Take a giant step for mankind.” He’s double dead.

The station is falling apart and I haven’t seen Jaws or his girlfriend in awhile. They are my only concern at this point. There they are! They embrace, open up some champagne and Jaws finally speaks, saying, “Well, here’s to us.” Then they wander along and wave at Bond through a window. Bond and Holly are on one of the shuttles but they can’t launch. Bond asks Jaws to help, which he does and then the part he’s on blasts away. Bond tells us not to worry, he’ll make it. It’s only a couple hundred miles to Earth? He better be right! The rest of the station explodes, also everything is very loud in space.

Bond and Holly are hunting down the three poison globes that were launched so they can blow them up with a frickin’ laser. Uh oh, he got the first two but missed the last one. It was on auto but had a malfunction, so Bond switches to manual fire. This is completely different from Luke turning off the targeting computer and using the force, by the way. After some drama Bond blows up the last one just in time. 

Yay, they report two survivors from the station, a tall man and short blonde woman. They made it!

Oh, Bond and Holly are doing it in space. Ha, ground control turned on a camera and see them doing it. Someone asks, “My god, what’s Bond doing?” Q answers not seeing the screen, “I think he’s attempting re-entry, sir.” I literally lol’ed.

The End.

Fuck you movie! Credits say shot on location in Italy, Brazil, Guatemala, U.S.A. and OUTER SPACE!

Jaws’ girlfriend’s name is Dolly. So there couple name, Jolly? Jawlly? Daws or Dows? I’m going with Jolly. Final answer.

Bond will return in For Your Eyes Only…for real this time.

Obviously, I was very disappointed at how log it took to get into space, but once they got there it was fun. I think Jaws finding love and switching sides made this whole thing worth it for me. Went down a slight rabbit hole on the actress playing Dolly (Blanche Ravalec) and it looks like her and Jaws (Richard Kiel) went to a bunch of conventions together, posing for pictures. They are adorable.

Aside from that, the first hour and a half was kind of forgettable. Not really bad, but basically just whatever. It was a basic cash grab on the coat tails of Star Wars and it showed, but still enjoyed it well enough.

Some lunchtime Bond action. They took three years off between films. Let’s see if they put that time to good use.

Theme sounds semi-classic again. Could be a good sign.

Can you smoke on a submarine? Is that a good idea? Drama on the sub. They’re forced to surface and the captain looks through the periscope and says OMG, but they won’t show us what he sees! Hate when movies/TV do that. It was a nuclear sub and is now missing. Cut to Russia and they’re missing one as well and dude asks for agent XXX, who is in bed banging a pretty woman. Did I download a Russian bootleg by mistake? Twist, XXX is the woman! Guess I’m the asshole for assuming, though I did suspect.

Ha, movie. M asks Moneypenny where’s Bond. She says he’s on a mission in Austria. M says to tell him to, “pull out immediately.” Cut to Bond on top of a blonde in front of a fireplace. I see what you did there movie. Well played.

He has a teletype/label maker in his watch? How on earth would that even fit? That isn’t high tech, it’s like Tardis technology inside that thing.

So he has to leave but she’s all stay daddy, I need it bad! He tells her so does England and leaves wearing a banana outfit. Okay it’s a terrible yellow ski suit, whatever. She immediately gets on the radio and tells other bad guys he just left. Time for a ski chase! Including some groovy 70’s music.

Holy shit! Bond had a mini rocket thing in one of his ski poles! Hit a bad guy in the chest with it while skiing backwards. Okay movie, I’m fully onboard, don’t disappoint me. Even the corny backflip with a twist is okay. Uh oh, he jumped off a cliff, lost his skis and deployed a chute. How tall was this cliff? The chute has the union jack flag as the Bond trumpets play and into the opening.

Oh shit! Did I not know Nobody Does It Better was a Bond song? Not sure I did. Fucking love that song. Okay, Live and Let Die has some competition, not gonna lie. Carly Simon is awesome. This also explains the spy who loved me line in the song that never made sense. I’m a little slow, sue me.

Oh shit again, back to Russia and dude is talking to XXX and is like your agent boyfriend is dead, killed in the Austrian Alps. Hmm, who do we know that we just saw kill Russian agents in the Alps? Coincidence?

Bond in a naval uniform. Is that a first? Can’t remember. Moore has a huge chin but is a good lookin dude in a classic 70’s/80’s leading man way.

We find the bad guy having dinner with a pretty blonde. Two dudes come in and he’s like someone close betrayed me. Hey toots, you should leave this is gonna get ugly. She gets in an elevator and he pushes a button which drops her into a shark tank and she dead. Guess she was the betrayer. Bad guys love their killer aquatics in these movies. Ha, now the two dudes take the same elevator to leave while they shit their pants.

Bad guy’s base he stole form the legion of doom in the Superfiends cartoon. Jaws! I know that guy. Thought he doesn’t show up until later. Nice, I get him for more than one movie! Also was a nice intro. This big monster looking thug looking like King Kong Bundy comes in. He looks huge, then Jaws enters and dwarfs him. I am fully invested, please don’t betray me movie or I’ll feed you to a killer gold fish. Nice teeth, winning smile.

Oh fuck! The two dudes were leaving on a helicopter. Bad guy presses another button and boom, it explodes. Now he doesn’t owe them any money. I would never work for a bad guy. Not for any moral reasons, but because I like being alive and they all have poor managerial styles. Well except for Scorpio, because as always, The Simpsons did it better.

We’re just gonna skip over that unpleasantness in Egypt with the harem girls.

Mixing a little Jack Daniels in my iced tea because I’m classy. Don’t worry, it was shaken, not stirred.

Bond goes to Cairo to meet a contact. Of course a pretty woman is there and they start making out but Bundy tries to shoot him, gets the girl instead. He chases Bundy down and they fight. Bond gets his info and Bundy falls off the roof and I assume died. RIP Bundy.

To the pyramids to find the contact, but Jaws is looking for him too. Dude runs and locks a chain on a gate. Jaws bites through the chain! Little dude is fucked. OMG! Jaws slammed him against a wall and bit his neck! Is he a vampire too? Little dude is dead. Damn, big man is stealthy too. Bond pulled a gun on him, lights went out for a second and he’s gone. A man that size with that kind of quickness? He should play center in the NBA. Had to look it up, my man was 7’2”. Died in 2014. RIP big man.

Really wish they taught Moore how to fight or just used a double for every fight scene.

XXX is here and she looking fine. Bond is on her like white on rice. Oh, they know each other and their drinks. They’re both good. Damn, she referenced his dead wife. Continuity! They’re both there to get some microfilm, but Jaws gets to the guy first and bites his neck. Definite vampire.

Was that really necessary? Bond finds the dead guy, checks him and the microfilm is gone. He takes an out of order sign hanging nearby and puts it on the corpse. Kinda funny, in a sick and dark way, which I appreciate, but also kind of a dick move.

Jaws is escaping with a van. Both Bond and XXX jump in the back. He knows they’re back there, has a speaker and can hear them talking. How did that dude fit behind the wheel? Even the van looks tiny next to him.

I’m a sucker for those long flowing evening gowns with the slit up the sides to show off the legs when they walk. Just sharing.

They track down Jaws. Bond punches him in the jaw like an idiot. XXX pulls a gun like a smart person, but then takes her eyes off him like an idiot, but she gets the film and runs off. Bond dumps a ton of rocks on Jaws’ head, but he’s still alive because he’s not human. Also the sun is out, so not a vampire? Or is he the daywalker? XXX hops in the van but no keys, do they not teach hotwiring in Russian spy camp? Bond shows up with the keys. The odd couple continues!

Jesus, Jaws is the Hulk! He hops onto the hood of the van and literally starts ripping it apart. She tries to drive away but is having difficulty getting it into gear. The entire time Bond is being a condescending dick to her, including a women drivers crack. Jaws even stops the van cold from going in reverse and picks up the back of it. Dude is a fucking monster!

Van broke down in the middle of the desert. Neither of them are dressed well for this walk. Even the boat driver they stumble upon thinks so.

Bond has a mini microfilm viewer and is checking it out. How does XXX not watch him like a hawk? Bad spy. Oh my, Bond put the moves on her and it’s working? Or is she playing him? Ha, she played him. She had a cigarette that blew knockout dust into his face. Good for her! Bond’s greatest strength is also his biggest weakness…his dick. Damn, I don’t speak the language, but even I can tell all the local ladies are throwing shade at him as he walks by. They know he played himself.

Bond heads back to a base, that’s in a pyramid maybe? Moneypenny is there giving him sass because she’s awesome. He throws his jacket onto the coat rack. Guess that’s close enough. Into the office and Russian dude is there. Looks like Russia and the brits are working together as here’s XXX. Ah, Russian dude is KGB, of course.

Nice montage of wacky Q gadgets.

So they’re working together and she seems quite happy about it. Didn’t Bond kill her boyfriend? Or does she not know that yet?

They’re on a train together, flirting. Bond wants her to join him in his room, she’s all business and wants to sleep. They both undress separately (she is looking damn good), opens her closet and somehow Jaws squeezed his giant ass in there! Scared the shit out of me, like for real. He smacks her around and is about to bite her neck then Bond shows up. Jaws literally picked him up by the crotch and slammed him into the ceiling. He then has his hand on his neck holding him up and his hand is bigger than Moore’s head. It doesn’t even look real. Lol, Bond broke a lamp and zapped him in his metal teeth, then kicked him out the windows of the moving train. And he still lives! Motherfucker stands up and dusts himself off like nothing happened.

Now that his window is broken, he has an excuse to go into her room. All part of his plan I’m sure. He has a cut on his shoulder. She asks what can they use for a bandage? He starts slipping off her nightgown saying, “How bout this?” Oh they fuckin.

Q brings him a sweet Lotus for his ride. Will we ever see his Aston Martin again?

Ha, they’re undercover as a married couple checking into a hotel. Moneypenny booked them in with separate bedrooms. She’s the best.

Whoa. The bad guy (Stromberg) sent Naomi to collect bond and XXX. She hops off a speed boat in a Bond movie issued bikini and looks phenomenal. Bond of course notices and pretends to complement the boat, “What a handsome craft. Such lovely lines.” XXX is not amused.

Stromberg knows who they are and tells Jaws to kill them.

Damn. They’re driving in the Lotus and being followed by a motorcycle guy with a side car. They get stuck behind a truck (carrying pillows?). Sidecar is launched at them like a rocket. He whips the car around the truck and the sidecar explodes the back of the truck, feathers everywhere. Motorcycle guy flies off the road and cliff. Bond quips, “All those fathers and he still can’t fly.”

How on earth can a sedan with four guys in it (one of them the Jaws monster) possibly keep up with Bond in that car? Either way, Bond flips a switch, shoots mud out the back blinding the car. It falls off the road/cliff, lands in some poor dude’s house and has a mini-explosion. Everyone died, except for Jaws who walks out of the house as if nothing happened. Guess he had his tray table up and his seatback in the full upright position.

Now they’re being chased by a helicopter with machine guns piloted by super sexy Naomi, who was somehow able to make eyes with Bond and wink at him. XXX is still not amused. Oh no! He drove the Lotus into the water. Is this thing going to turn into a sub? Yup, its a fucking transformer! I’m here for it. Oh snap! He shot a rocket from the car/sub into the helicopter hovering above them. Poor Naomi, she was too sexy to die!

They’re driving their Lotus sub to the legion of doom. I’m enjoying this so much I don’t even mind the underwater adventures, as long as there are no scuba fights. Fuck, the sub is being chased by scuba men. I jinxed it! At least they have those scuba scooters so they can move quickly. Plus the funky disco music helps. Uh oh, bad guys have their own mini sub and they’re shooting torpedoes at each other! The Lotus sprung a  leak! XXX took over pressing buttons. Ink spray and then dropped a mine, bad guy sub is gone. Ha, Bond asked how she knew which buttons to push, she said she stole the blueprints two years ago. But then why was she surprised when they drove into the water? Don’t let me down now, movie! They drove to a beach, transformed back into car mode, and drove away. Why did bond have a fish that he dropped outside the window?

Uh oh, she’s about to find out Bond killed her fella. Bond gave zero fucks about killing that dude. Whelp, she doesn’t like him anymore. Threatened to kill him after this mission. She gonna die, isn’t she?

They board an American sub and everyone is getting all horny sailor around XXX.

Sub has to surface and it gets swallowed up by a giant tanker ship. Very similar to the space capsules being captured way back in You Only Live Twice.

Ah, so XXX is the Bond girl that Ringo Starr married, as mentioned in Love Actually. We watch that movie every year when decorating the tree and now I know.

How do you get a job with the bad guys? He has a bunch of dudes at consoles running things. How do they get those jobs? Do they know they’re working towards global domination or whatever? Are they promised a cut of any ransom? Do they know how expendable they are? Seems stressful and very high risk. Not sure if the benefits are worth it.

Maybe the female spy shouldn’t have hair that can reach her ass. Makes it harder to hide with a bunch of dudes.

Oh, Stromberg is one of those villains. Not doing this for money or power. He thinks he’s creating a new world for the better. He’s targeting Moscow and NY? Why not DC? Who cares if NY is gone? Oh no, no more overrated pizza, how will this huge country survive?

Ugh, his legion of doom base he calls Atlantis? So unoriginal.

Bond frees all the other sub crews. For some reason the Village People’s In the Navy popped into my head. They all head to the armory. Why would you keep grenades on a ship? That’s seems like bad idea jeans. Wow, that one extra really milked his death. Made the most of his two seconds on screen. Throwing a lot of grenades on this ship.

Bond is taking a nuke apart. He used it to break into the control room and make the stolen subs shoot their nukes at each other instead. So much for the two stolen subs. Now they’re all boarding the US sub. Are they all gonna fit? Guess enough people died in the battle. Sub captain launched a torpedo to blast open the door of the ship and escape. Couldn’t they just have submerged? So much for the giant tanker ship.

Uh oh, sub has orders from the pentagon to destroy Atlantis, but XXX is still onboard. Bond buys himself an hour. Ha, Q sent him a ghetto jet ski he had to build. Uh oh, Bond is in the elevator of doom, but Bond didn’t fall for the trap door. Damn. Stromberg is at the head of a super long table, gets Bond to sit at the other end. He has some wacky gun with a long tube underneath and shoots, but Bond dodges then shoot back like four times, slowly. Stop! He’s dead!

Jaws! Forgot all about him. Oh no, a giant magnet? Lol, his teeth are stuck to it and Bonds asks, “How does that grab you?” He dropped him into the shark tank, except my man bit the fucking shark! Also, can they sue Spielberg since this came first?

Bond found XXX and the sub launched a torpedo at Atlantis. They find an escape pod thingy. It has a very comfy looking round couch inside. Also XXX is wearing a skimpy bikini top that is now soaked. Oh, she pulled a gun on Bond saying the mission is over! Oh really? Bond says a condemned man gets a final request, she says okay. He says lets get out of these wet things and they start to kiss. She got over what’s-his-face pretty quick, I guess. Bond’s magic dick strikes again!

Jaws lives! He’s swimming away in the middle of nowhere. I’m guessing he’ll make it.

Wow. They banged, then XXX is like what will our superiors say? Bond says they’ll never know. Their superiors find the pod and catch it. There’s a giant window and all the head guys see them naked and making out. They ask Bond what he’s doing. He tells them, “Keeping the British end up, sir,” then closes the curtain.

The End.

This is around the time where closing credits in movies started getting more detailed, but still nowhere near what they are now.

Bond will return in For Your Eyes Only (which is a lie, but we’ll deal with that next time).

Several people tell me all the Moore ones are bad and I’ve heard how campy they are, but I really liked this. Yes there was some camp, silliness, cheese, whatever you want to call it, but it was also fun. I think this was actually one of my favorites so far. The last few really were leaving bad tastes in my mouth and I was worried if I could continue going through them, but this gave me some hope. Really looking forward to Moonraker. Assuming that one will be over the top bonkers, but hoping also in a fun way like this one. In fact, I’m going to put it on now. Bond double feature!

Wow, now the theme is very orchestratic. Is that a word? Guess it is now.

Gah! Saruman has three nipples!

Da plane! Da plane!

Generic mobster guy (this actor always plays generic mobster guy) shows up to kill Count Doku in a fun house? Tattoo is orchestrating it? What is happening?

Dracula shot mob guy in the head with a, you guessed it, golden gun.

Lol, Tattoo’s name is Nick Nack! Get it? Because he’s so small.

Yikes this opening is bad. Who the fuck is Lulu?

Moore needs a hat he can toss onto coat racks.

Saruman is an assassin and sent a gold bullet to Bond saying he’s next. So Bond is forced to take a sabbatical. He gonna find Doku first!

Still love Moneypenny. Fun fact, she’s the same age as Moore.

Is this one a comedy? So golden gun killed 002 in Beirut back in ’69 (nice) but it’s unconfirmed since no one found the bullet. Bond goes there and finds the dancing girl who was with him when he was shot. Apparently the bullet went through him and into the wall, so she took it and turned it into a belly button charm for good luck? Bond puts the moves on her to get it and is kissing her stomach and goes to grab it with his mouth, but that’s when goons bust in and he accidentally swallows it. They have a big slap fight and he leaves.

He poops out the bullet and gives it to Q. They send him to Macau to find the dude who made the bullet.

New woman named Goodnight. Ugh. Assuming she’ll be dead soon based on the previous films.

Oooooh, a surprise! Hehehehe….

Bond was following a woman who picked up the gold bullet shipment. Tracks her to a hotel and sneaks in to find her in the shower. So naturally he casually waits in the bathroom for her to come out. Ha she showers with a gun! Jeez, he’s twisting her arm pretty damn far. That actress can’t be enjoying that. Aaaaand he slapped her.

Strip club called Bottoms Up. Also, the only strip club with no nudity.

Uh oh, golden sniper missed…or did he? Looks like it was a setup to kidnap Bond?

Does he use that gun as a sex toy? Creepy scene with shower girl (Andrea).

Ah, it was the good guys spies that kidnapped him.

Ha, they’re talking about solar energy and how it would solve the energy crisis. They’re adorable.

So they go to some dude’s stronghold. Bond just waltzes in and finds a pretty naked girl going for a swim and she is like hi strange man, please join me. He’s found by someone not wanting to bang him but Bond has a fake third nipple, so he’s posing as gold gun dude, except he isn’t fooling anyone.

Boo, Bond says dude found him quite titillating as he throws the fake nipple away.

Sumo wrestlers fighting Bond. Lol, one had him in a bear hug so he gave him a wedgie to get out of it. This is a comedy. Nick Nack hit him in the head with a trident. He should meet up with Brick.

Could have killed him, but instead they send him to “school.”

Messed up. Bond kicked the guy while he bowed to him. No honor.

These fight scenes…I’m not convinced Roger Moore could beat up my grandmother, and she’s been dead for over twenty years.

Nice. Bond has a Hong Kong contact and he has two nieces with him. As Bond was escaping the school they show up to help. Goons come out and Bond is like, stand back girls, They push him aside and kick all kinds of ass. At least someone in this movie can fight.

Messed up. Bond is in a boat and some kid gets in trying to sell him a trinket. He’s haggling, going from 40 to 20, and Bond is like, kid I’ll give you 20,000 if you can make this thing go faster. Kid turns a knob and boom. Bond throws him overboard and says I’ll have to owe you. That kid ain’t seeing that money, assuming he doesn’t drown.

WTF? The racist cop from the last movie is there on vacation? Did someone actually want to see him ever again? Jesus the 70’s were a dangerous place. How did we survive? *looks around* Oh, right. Okay, now I know this is unrealistic. They get off the boat and the wife is like, oh I want one of these elephants trinkets. Racist cop spits and says elephants? We’re democrats! What in the actual fuck? Then he says something racist to the locals. He’s calling them pointy heads? Why are they showing so much of this cop?!?!?! He insulted a baby elephant and it shoved him into the water. Please, no more. I surrender movie. Here, take my money, I give up.

Looks like Bond and Goodnight are about to have a good night. See what this movie has done to me? Oops, interrupted by Andrea. So she sent the bullet to get Bond’s help to free her from golden gun. She offers him stuff to help her, including offering herself. Also this is all happening while Goodnight is hiding under the covers in bed. Then he shoves her in the closet while Andrea goes to change. Wow, are they gonna bang with her in the closet? What a scumbag!

Poor Goodnight fell asleep standing up in the closet. He left her in there for two hours! Well, she went there to get fucked, looks like she did.

Bond went to meet Andrea at a fight. Oh, she’s dead. I guessed the wrong woman. Doku shows up with Nick Nack.

Remember when you could call someone a midget? This movie remembers.

Uh oh, Goodnight went to put a tracker in Nick Nack’s car trunk but Saruman tossed her in.

Oh c’mon! For some reason there’s an AMC dealership there and the racist cop is in a car wanting a demo. Aren’t we still in Asia? What is happening? Bond hops in the car and drives it through the window to chase after Goodnight. Who needs an Aston Martin when you can drive an AMC Hornet? You’re starting to lose me movie…

That car looks like it handles as well as a tugboat.

Ha, Doku is in a white suit next to Nick Nack, looks so much like Mr. Rourke. Funny, this predates Fantasy Island by several years

Okay, you officially lost me. They just did a stupid flipping jump over a broken bridge and a slide whistle played during the jump. A…slide…whistle! Up until this point I was enjoying the film well enough. It was a little silly, but doing okay. Like many things in life, it was ruined by a racist cop. Forty more minutes. Suck it up, Jason, you got this!

Fat, racist, red neck cop is bad at stealth? Who could have guessed?

The bad guys attached wings and a jet to the car. It drove off and then flew away. Wow. Oh shit, Goodnight is still in the trunk and she just popped it open. Surprise you’re in the air!

What a terrible jacket for Bond. Is he selling AMC cars now?

Is he using solar power for a frickin’ laser? An invisible laser? I dunno, whatever.

There’s Goodnight. In a bikini, which I believe is a legal requirement in these movies.

Bond and Doku having an old school duel.

As they step away they keep cutting to Goodnight and some goon staring at her body and eye fucking the shit out of her. He’s a super creep. Uh oh, now he’s making his move on her.

After twenty paces Bond turns and golden gun is gone. What a cheat! Hmm, is Nick Nack helping or is it a tarp? Yup.

He’s in the funhouse of doom and dropped his gun. Oops. Ha, in the opening they showed us a wax statue of Bond. So real Bond posed as it and shot Doku. Yes! Goodnight knocked out the creeper goon and he fell into acid? No some pool of water and it says it must be kept at absolute zero? But it’s liquid? And in open air at room temp? Not sure the science is adding up here. I’m guessing the writers thought absolute zero is like zero Fahrenheit. Fun fact, it’s −459.67 °F.

Ha, while Bond is trying to get the MacGuffin, Goodnight’s sexy ass hit a button and turned on the laser. My god, she is useless! Isn’t she supposed to be an agent or something? Ha, she was hitting random buttons but a cloud covered the sun, so now there’s tension. We’re literally watching clouds move. Excitement!

They’re escaping on an old pirate ship as the island blows up. Ahoy!

The ship has auto pilot and they have eight hours to kill, so they fucked. Ah! Nick Nack is watching them like ceiling cat! WTF? He put a knife in his mouth but with the blade vertical so it would cut the shit out of his lips when he held onto it. Do they never yell cut on these movies?

Bond vs Nick Nack. This is embarrassing. Oh no…he isn’t…yup, he put him in a suitcase.

Somehow M called them on the boat. He wanted to speak to Goodnight, so Bond tells him, “She’s just coming, sir.” As they continue to make-out, M keeps saying Goodnight, so Bond says, “Goodnight sir,” and hangs up. Cut to the sails and somehow Nick Nack to tied up way at the top where he’s gonna die from exposure, and we get another wacky song saying goodnight goodnight.

The end.

Ha, that bridge jump is in the credits as AMC Astro Spiral Jump. How much did AMC pay to be in this?

Bond will return in The Spy Who Loved Me.

I’m not going to look it up and ruin the surprise, but I really hope that racist cop doesn’t come back again. Unless it’s in Moonraker, in which case shoot him into spaaaaaace! This one was just too wacky and once again the redneck cop and AMC stuff took me out of it. Up until the I was enjoying it well enough. At least they cut down on the amount of sexual misconducts that Connery had.

Now we move on to Roger Moore. This is the first film to come out when I was alive and all through my childhood Moore was 007, so he’s the guy I always thought of as James Bond. Plus he had a very fun role in The Cannonball Run, leaning into being Bond. Doesn’t mean he’s my favorite, just the first one I think of. So last film I thought Connery was looking too old for the role, so naturally they replace him with a guy three years older. And of course the women stay the same age, if not younger. Remind me of the creep McConaughey played in Dazed and Confused (such a disturbing film that I don’t understand the love for.)

Anywho, the Bond theme sounds more jazzy.

Exterior shot of the UN in New York shot with shaky cam.

Bunch of bored UN dudes. Someone in the control booth swaps the translation audio for the UK guy and zaps his ears, killing him somehow?

Cut to New Orleans. There’s a sad funeral procession in the street. Some random white dude asks who’s funeral? Someone says his and stabs him. They put him in the casket and suddenly it’s Mardi Gras. They must have hated him.

Now we’re in the Caribbean. White guy tied to a stake, bunch of locals dancing like crazy and some shaman dude with a big snake. Snake bites white dude and kills him. There’s gonna be voodoo stuff I’m guessing. Is this movie going to be unintentionally very racist? 

Best…Bond song…ever. I will not debate this.

Introducing Jane Seymour!

Our first look at Moore and he’s already in bed with a woman laying on him. She’s begging for more and he’s like gotta get the door. It’s M. Oh, dead dudes were all agents. Ha, he’s trying to hide the woman from M. Turns out she’s an operative from his last mission that no one can find for some reason. Moneypenny comes in and finds her sneaking into a closet. Moneypenny helps keep her hidden from M. She is a complex lady.

Bond goes to New York and is picked up by a CIA guy. As they drive another car rolls up next to them and shoots the driver. They trace the car to a voodoo shop? This can’t be good.

Lol, they called Bond a honky.

Ugh, Mr. Big? What a lazy name. Henchman has a claw hand and he bent Bond’s gun. Almost didn’t recognize that was Jane Seymour, she’s so young! Twenty-two when this was released. She’s playing a tarot card person named Solitaire. Bond flips a card that’s supposed to be him and it’s The Fool. Then of course before the goons take him away he picks another. It’s The Lovers for him and Solitaire because of course.

OMG, it’s the 7UP guy! Is he playing Two-Face?

Bond goes to the Caribbean and finds out his room was switched by “Mrs. Bond.” In his room he finds women’s clothes in the closet which he sniffs like a creep. Someone slips a snake into his bathroom. Yuck, he uses his spray can and cigar to blow torch the snake.

So Mrs. Bond is another CIA agent, Rosie, and she’s pretty terrible. Both as an actress and an agent it seems.

They get on a boat and of course she’s in a bikini, and did Bond just grab her ass?

Jesus she is bad. Oh, and now she’s dead. Of course Bond banged her first and knew she was a double agent.

Smoking a cigar while hang-gliding, as one does.

Bond using tarot cards to get in Solitaire’s pants. Side note he’s old enough to be her father. That fucker, stacked the deck so they were all The Lovers cards. Ugh, he took her virginity! She’s looks so distraught in bed after, this is terrible. And she thinks she lost her magic powers as well because of it. But then wants to do it again. Guess she got over it real quick. Bond must have a magic dick.

Is that police car an old Chevy Nova? We had one of those when I was growing up.

Oh, that’s why Mr. Big looked so goofy, like a late day Michael Jackson. It was a bad mask.

Ha, bad guy said he and the phone company would be the only monopolies in the country for years to come. Who wants to tell him? Also his monopoly will be in heroin.

They tried to feed Bond to crocs and gators but he escaped by running on their backs. Now it’s a speed boat chase!

Oh boy, red neck racist cop. Jesus this is bad and sadly probably extremely accurate. Ha, a boat smashed into his cop car. I guess he’s supposed to be comic relief? And how on earth does a local sheriff have jurisdiction over state troopers? And of course he has a brother-in-law named Billy Bob. And every time they call a black man “boy” I cringe. This is not the level of racism I was expecting.

A bunch of stuff happened and Bond wins. I pretty much tuned out.

The End.

Bond will return in The Man With the Golden Gun.

Can’t say I really liked this one. It does not hold up well. Maybe it played better in the early 70’s but man, once that racist cop showed up it really took me out of it. Plus that Rosie was such a bad actress. There’s a new trend where they introduce an attractive, but terrible, actress and then kill her almost immediately. According to Rotten Tomatoes, the next one should be a real stinker, but I guess we’ll see.

Connery is back! Was curious what happened and the internet told me he was done with Bond and wasn’t even speaking with the director on the last film, but the studio wanted him back so gave him big money (record deal at the time) and two back to back movies of his choice. So my expectations on his performance are pretty low.

And the theme sounds like the original again.

We open I guess in Japan as Bond throws a dude through tissue paper walls looking for Blofeld. He sends him to Cairo who sends him to a bikini woman named Marie. Holy fuck! She’s like can I help you? He walks over, embraces her and is like yeah I’d like you to get something off your chest, then rips off her bikini top and starts choking her wanting the location of Blofeld. These scenes remind me of Deadpool where he asks, “Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist not to hit you?”

New Blofeld and he has hair? Meh.

Wow, so a lot to unpack here, especially for a cold open. Bond tracks him down. Some goon is in a tub of goo. He was going to have plastic surgery to look like Blofeld. Bond drowns him in more goo. Blofeld and two more goons show up, they go to take Bond’s gun from inside his jacket but he had a mousetrap thing in there. He beats them up and kills one by throwing surgeon knives at him. Then he straps Blofeld to a table and sends him into another pit of boiling goo and he presumably dies as bond says, “Welcome to hell, Blofeld.” So yeah, that was a lot. Where the hell do they go from here?

They even brought back Shirley Bassey.

Bond was on holiday to hunt down Blofeld. Weird idea of a vacation.

Wow, what are these two mutant nerds? They meet up with a dentist who is stealing diamonds from a mine he works at in South Africa to sell to these dorks. They double cross him by putting a scorpion down the back of his shirt. Then they meet up with someone on a helicopter that was supposed to meet the dentist. They give him a box and it blows up the copter in the air. They have a lot of bad lines then walk off in the desert holding hands. This is creepy weird.

Bond is in Amsterdam. Moneypenny still fishing for that engagement ring from him. Poor gal.

Yikes, a boat tour is happening and on their left is a body begin dragged out of the canal, murdered by our bad quipping creepy duo.

Wowzers! Bond is posing as Peter Franks and goes to meet, surprise, a sexy lady (Tiffany Case, lol). When he walks in she’s leaving the room and has blonde hair. She walks back in wearing only underwear and is a brunette, which Bond somehow notices even though he’s staring at her chest the entire time. She asks which he prefers and he says, “Well providing the collars and cuffs match…” Classy.

Oh she clever. Offered him a drink just to get his fingerprints off the glass. The prints matched? Magic. Funny how she has a copy of the guy’s fingerprint but not his face. And now she’s a redhead.

Ah, Q gave him a fake fingerprint. More clever.

The real Franks showed up, big fight in the elevator with Bond and now Franks is dead. Bond slipped his ID on the body, so now Tiffany thinks he killed Bond and is freaking out. This is the first time he’s truly been undercover and doing good spy stuff. I’m impressed and so far he did it without banging anyone!

Fuck these guys are creepy.

Mortician named Morton Slumber? C’mon.

Creepy boys knocked out Bond and put him in a casket to be cremated.

God these guys suck. Their lines are so cringey bad. I hope they aren’t implying they’re gay, because it’s a really bad look. Like they’re saying they’re so creepy they’re even HOMOSEXUALS!

Wait what? He’s about to be burned up then magically the casket is pulled out and he’s fine. That was a a bad misdirect. Too many double crosses at play here.

Bonds is playing craps and oh fuck you movie. Super busty gold digging lady walks over to him and says she’s Plenty. Bonds says, “But of course you are.” Her full name is Plenty O’Toole. GTFO. Huh, she’s Natalie Wood’s sister and apparently a bad actress. And there goes her dress, but no bra. Oops, they aren’t alone. Damn, they threw her out the window and into the pool. Of course they say they didn’t know there was a pool down there and leave. Tiffany is in the bed and wanted Bond all for herself. Bond doesn’t care who it is, as long as he gets his dick wet.

Tiffany is playing blackjack and the dealer gives her a card that says to go play the water balloons. It’s one of those kid’s games where you shoot a water gun into a clown’s mouth and the first one to pop the balloon wins. She’s playing but not really trying and wins anyway because it’s part of the setup. Little nerdy kid with glasses next to her loses his shit because it was obviously fixed. She tells the kid, “Blow up your pants.” Also I am acutely aware that I would be that little kid back in the day.

Nice. They have an exhibit/show for kids that is designed to scare the shit out of them and cause a stampede. Ah, the dangerous carefree 70’s.

Damn, Plenty is dead already? That was quick. Also messed up coincidence her character drowns considering that’s how her sister died as well.

Whelp, Bond slapped Tiffany. Welcome to the club.

This is quickly going off the rails. Bond snuck into some lab place following the diamonds. He stumbles onto a moon landing set, steals a rover and is being chased in the desert first by guards in a car not equipped for sand, then by goons on trikes. I was enjoying this one but now it’s getting silly.

Cops pulls them over, walks up to the car, Bond slams it into reverse and the cop stares like he didn’t know cars could do that.

Filming a car chase in Vegas can’t be cheap or easy, even back then. Also that’s a sweet Mustang they’re driving.

Down a dead end alley, but there’s a narrow walkway at the end. Bond hits a side ramp and goes on two wheels fitting through the walkway. Cop tries it and flips. This is just goofy.

Okay, that was pretty slick. He rode on top of an elevator then used a little grappling gadget to climb up on the roof, all in his tux.

Oh fuck, it’s the new lame Blofeld. Oh wait, two of them? Bah, it was a double he killed.

That was the take they went with? He shoots one of the Blofelds in the head with the grapple gun I think and he has a crazy delayed reaction before falling backwards. Yell cut or edit that tighter. So weird.

Of course it was the other double he killed and he used one of the cats as a distraction, so his response was, “Wrong pussy.”

Blofeld sends him away in an elevator (just shoot him dummy!) He’s gassed and when it opens the creepy twins are there waiting.

Bambi and Thumper? Ha, she tells him they’re going to have a ball then knees him in the nuts. Some crazy gymkata shit going on here. They kicking Bond’s ass. He’s definitively looking too old for this shit. 

Q is scamming the slot machines.

Blofeld is an even uglier woman.

Blofeld launched a satellite that uses the diamonds for a big frickin laser, now it’s blowing shit up. They’re targeting nukes around the world, but doesn’t seem to be any fallout from that. Convenient.

So is SPECTRE just not allowed to shoot Bond? Did he call no shootsies or something?

Blofeld had kidnapped/turned Tiffany, so she’s lounging around in a bikini and looking damn good. Of course she’s still on Bond’s side.

Blofeld throwing shade at the state of Kansas.

Why would you let Bond anywhere near your controls? He switched the control tape or something. Ha, he put the real tape in Tiffany’s suit bottom and she went and switched it back thinking she did good. Bond called her a “stupid twit.” That doesn’t seem nice.

Ugh, so again instead of shooting him they throw him in the “brig” which is just a supply closet with a hole in the floor he can escape through. Blofeld is a fucking moron.

Blofeld tries to escape in a sub lowered by crane. Bond takes control of the crane and is fucking with him.

Lol, he tells Tiffany to pick up a gun and shoot the bad guys. It’s a machine gun. She shoots, it recoils up into the air and forces her backward where she falls into the water. Did I mention they’re on an oil rig in the ocean? Because they are.

The rig blows up so Blofeld is presumably dead again. Now Bond and Tiffany are taking a cruise to celebrate. Ugh, the creepy twins are on board. Forgot about those twerps. They’re posing as room service waiters. They have a bomb hidden in a cake.

Yikes, creepy twin one grab a couple kabobs and sets them on fire. Bond breaks a bottle of booze and splashes him, now the creeper is on fire. Bad plan. He jumped overboard.

I can’t even describe what he did to the other one, but he fell off the boat and went boom.

The end.

Holy shit! One of the creeps is Crispin Glovr’s dad! That makes total sense.

Bond will return in Live and Let Die.

Once again, feel like they can cut twenty minutes off this thing and improve it. Connery is too old for this gig, so probably good this is his last one (sort of). Another bad Blofeld. And why give him hair? None of this makes sense. Overall it was enjoyable and Connery didn’t appear to fully phone it in like I assumed he would after getting paid. Bring on that Roger Moore chap!

First film without Connery and even the theme sounds different before the cold open.

They’re being all coy, not showing his face yet.

He finds a pretty lady on the beach wandering into the ocean, so he runs out to save her. Couple of goons show up and they have a big slap fight. Bond wins, but the girl ran off so he says, “This never happened to the other fella.” Guess they’re going to address the elephant in the room?

Damn, Lazenby doesn’t even get a song?

His Aston Martin is not as sexy. Also green?

Go Fish! Pretty beach lady (Tracy) waltzes up and loses but has no money to pay (but she’s a countess?) So Bond is like oh we’re partners and pays. That got him an invite to her room. That’s is a super high class escort.

Ouch. He goes to her room and finds a very large man waiting. His punches have zero effect on him, yet somehow Bond beats him up then just leaves? But not before snagging some caviar and being all pretentious about it.

Oh, back to his room and Tracy is there looking sexy in a short robe and showing off her bra. She steals his gun. Damn, he quick grabs her wrist to get her to drop the gun then slaps her across the face. You can take the Connery out of the role….

Thought she looked familiar. It’s Diana Rigg from The Avengers (no, not those Avengers) and why did I not know she was in Game of Thrones? I had no idea what with her being all old then and all. Or I knew and have since forgotten because I am also old and forgetful. Also, RIP.

They bang and she sneaks out in the morning.

Big dude and the two goons (sounds like a pizza place) abduct Bond at gunpoint. Big dude’s lines so far are “Hmmmm.” They take him to meet some smarmy looking guy, but first Bond beat all three guys up as one does. Lazenby does some super exaggerated upper cuts in fight scenes. Smarmy guy has his pretty assistant get him a martini shaken not stirred.

He’s a mob guy and they name dropped SPECTRE. He’s also Tracy’s dad. Ha, he knows Bond banged her but he’s like all good, bro. Ugh, he then says she needs, “…a man to dominate her. To make love to her enough to make her love him.” Times like this I’m okay growing up without a father. He offers Bond a million pounds (the currency, not the weight) in gold to marry her. I mean, where is the down side to this plan? Of course Bond says no, but he wants info on Blofeld instead of money.

Moneypenny is starting to show her age, but is still the sexiest woman in all these films.

M relieves Bond from the Blofeld case so he resigns! He tells Moneypenny to write up his resignation letter. Instead he gets two weeks leave, because that’s what she wrote instead. That Moneypenny is clever. Bond doesn’t even deserve her.

Bull fighting, gross. Well, it’s a bunch of dudes taunting and trying to tackle a bull? Whatever the fuck that is, nope.

Bond and Tracy dating montage? Did I switch channels? Is this…is this a rom-com now?

Lol Bond looking at Playboy magazine.

New Blofeld, same cat. Who loves ya, baby?

I don’t know what’s happening. A diverse group of pretty women are eating food very suggestively.

Bond is wearing a kilt. Woman sitting next to him writes on his thigh with lipstick. Someone asks him if he’s okay and says a slight stiffness has come on. She wrote her room number, so he stopped by later and banged her. So much for the rom-com with Tracy.

Back in his room and another lady is waiting for him. These women are gonna wear him out!

Curling!

Ha, someone asked if his stiffness from last night is gone. Nice.

Oh shit, he made plans to meet with three of the ladies again that night (at 8, 9, and 10. Just an hour each?) In the first room the head lady was there instead and he got hit in the head. Blofeld outed him as Bond.

Ski chase. A little weird but still better than scuba fights.

Bond just said, “I love you” and proposed to Tracy!!!! She gonna die. Also love how he compartmentalizes all the banging as being done for work and meaningless. I guess that’s how sex workers operate too.

Shit! Another ski chase. There’s a big snow plow and Bond and Tracy jump over it. Bad guy fell into plow and now it’s spitting out red snow and body parts? Ugh and Bond quipped, “He had lots of guts.”

Kojak caused an avalanche. Things are not looking good. They kidnapped Tracy but Bond was left behind. He ain’t dead.

WTF? So daring rescue to save Tracy sponsored by her dad. They plant explosives everywhere but Bond is chasing Kojak. Tracy is trying to go back to save him but dad’s like no, time to go. She won’t listen so he punches her in the face! Knocking her our and says, “Spare the rod and spoil the child, huh?” Again, WTF?

Bobsled chase scene!

Ha, Kojak threw his gun cause he was out of bullets. This is during said bobsled chase scene, mind you.

That St. Bernard is awesome. Love that cliché with ski resorts.

Holy shit, they actually got married?!?!

Aw, Moneypenny looks miserable. I’m sad now.

Whelp there it is. Kojak and the head lady did a drive by and shot up Tracy. She dead.

The end.

Bond will return in Diamonds are Forever.

This one was different and pretty good, but I’m a little confused. So at first the line about “the other guy” implies he’s a different guy in the move as James Bond 007, but everyone else (Moneypenny, M, Q) treat him as if he’s the same guy we know from the other films. Whereas Blofeld is supposed to be the same person just a new actor, as far as I know. So if it’s the former then Blofeld not knowing who he was on sight makes sense. If it’s the latter (which I think it is and that opening line was just a wink to the audience) then it makes no sense. Bond going undercover and working/talking with Blofeld wouldn’t work from jump since they met last film. I’m sure some super Bond nerd somewhere could set me straight, but as a layman not a fan of inconsistencies like this.

As to Lazenby, he was okay I think. I dunno, would need to see more of him to know for sure, but alas I never will.

Kojak as Blofeld was not good. Didn’t like him in the role at all. And the fact he was trying to get into Tracy’s pants seemed out of character from what I’ve seen so far. Big thumbs down on that one.

Well the Flyers are stinking up the ice, so here we are. Giving this a try on Pluto. It’s a free service with commercials. Hopefully they stick them in at appropriate times (Unlike Bond. Get it?)

They were churning these out every year, but took a year off after Thunderball, which was probably a wise move.

Cold open…in spaaaaace!

Just realized this is pre-moon landing. Crazy.

So an American capsule is in orbit when another ship comes up and swallows it, stranding a dude who was outside the capsule. He gonna die and it won’t be a pleasant death.

USA is blaming Russia for the hijack, and for some reason the UK is there and telling the USA to chill. Did the UK really have this much influence in geopolitics? Also they say they have a man working on it in Hong Kong now. Cut to Bond in bed with a pretty local lady and his opening line is, “Why do Chinese girls taste different from all other girls?” So this one is not starting out well. Her name is Ling but looks like she’s a baddie. She pushes a button and it flips the Murphy bed closed. Two dudes show up with machine guns and shoot the shit out of the bed and leave. WTF? Bond is dead? Lol, dude said looks like he died on the job and the other said he’d want to go out this way. And we go into the opening credits.

Nancy Sinatra’s boots were not made for this song.

His death made the front page of the paper. Burial at sea. This will be a short film, though I’m guessing the title will come into play here. Ugh, more scuba dudes. Please no more underwater stuff! They grabbed the body and took it to a sub. Fake out! Oh shit, his office is on the sub and he even has a coat rack to throw his naval hat on and Moneypenny is there looking sexy in a naval uniform. Hmm, based on his convo with Moneypenny, some ambiguity if he and Ling did it, but I’m still going to count it.

Bond in Japan and give the movie credit, they found Asian actors this time.

Sumo wrestling!

Ha, his contact got his drink order messed up. He stirred it. Oh damn, contact got stabbed in the back mid-sentence. 

Bond knows couch-fu.

Weird, the office walls are made of tissue paper, yet the doors lock.

Apparently Japan in more misogynistic than Bond, so naturally he wants to retire there. Especially after getting bathed by three pretty ladies in bikinis. Also, Bond was in a kimono.

You know what, gonna stop tracking Bond’s exploits. Getting too ambiguous and I still feel dirty after the last movie. So there.

Well, Bond is under cover as a Mr. Fisher. Probably the first time he didn’t walk in and introduce himself. Meets up with some big wig who shows up in a helicopter with his “confidential secretary” and she’s a sexy German redhead.

Big wig has a fancy desk with an x-ray, so he sees Bond has a gun. He also comments on how he should quit smoking and redhead walks over with a drink saying how he believes in a healthy chest. Meanwhile her ample chest is protruding out in all its glory. JFC movie, you’re killing me. Also, SPECTRE certainly has a type for their assassins and they also happen to be my type.

As Bond is leaving they try to kill him. There’s a car chase and the bad guys’ car is lifted in the air via magnet and a helicopter. Dude driving is 100 feet in the air and still turning the steering wheel. Know when to fold em my dude. I take it back, they dropped the car in the water. Steer away!

Bond would be dead a couple more times if not for Aki, the Japanese spy. Bond is weighing her down.

You know what makes a fight scene great? Shooting it from the air from very far away so you can’t really tell what’s happening and people just fall around him. His stunt man earned his pay check with a couple high falls, but then Bond gets taken out pretty easily from behind. Baddies got him.

Bond is tied to a chair. Sexy redhead shows up looking for info. Threatens to peel his skin off with a plastic surgeon tool, then instantly ditches that and starts making out with him. He gives her a BS story about industrial espionage  and offers to split money or something if she helps him escape to Europe. She cuts him loose and gives him the tool, which he uses to cut open her dress and they bang. But joke’s on him. After she’s flying them in a plane presumably to escape she drops a smoke bomb. A board appears which is somehow trapping his hands and she bails via parachute. Of course Bond gets free and crash lands the plane relatively safely.

Ha, he had Q show up with parts in suitcases for a mini-helicopter which some dudes put together. It has gadgets! Not gonna lie, that thing looks fun to fly, but not at all safe.

Some real helicopters showed up and the Bond theme is playing so you know shit is about to go down. Lol, he had mines on little tiny parachutes. He blew them all up good.

Russians launch their own rocket and it gets gobbled up too.

Uh oh, it’s Number One cat lover! Still no face, but another new voice?

He has a coy pond but full of piranhas. Goon throws in a hunk of meet on a string. Pulls it out and just a bone is left.

WTF? Number One tells them Mr. Fisher is Bond and they’re totally surprised saying but Bond is dead! Idiots, you both saw him in person. You saw his picture in the papers. You couldn’t piece that together yourselves? Plus wouldn’t SPECTRE have pictures of this guy by now? Because of their stupidity, sexy redhead got fed to the piranhas, but the dude lives. Typical.

Uh oh, mother fucking ninjas! Ninja training school! Bond is to become Japanese, train as a ninja, and take a wife. This is creepy. If he had pointy ears he’s look more Romulan than Japanese. Also, he’s banging Aki.

Look out! Assassin in the ceiling with poison on a string. I saw this in Grosse Pointe Blank. Oh snap! He was aiming for Bond, but he shifted in his sleep then so did Aki, so she got the poison. She dead. I would think the biggest danger from banging Bond would be an STD, but looks like killed by SPECTRE is the biggest concern.

He’s getting a fake wife for his cover and all he cares about is how she looks. What a dick. And of course she turns out to be cute as hell.

Is it common to have a Japanese guy with a Scottish accent?

Lol, he’s at his new wife’s house and sits down to eat. He’s super psyched to have oysters. But then new wife tells him they’ll be sleeping in separate beds and this  is business so keep it in your pants. So he shove the plate away saying, “Well I won’t need these.” This fucking guy.

Well so much for business, they kissin. 

They stumble onto the SPECTRE base hidden in an inactive volcano.

Bond goes all “ninja” to save the astronauts. So Bond and the astronauts dress up as guards and then take the place of SPECTRE astronauts. Well Bond takes the place of an astronaut, meanwhile the real astronauts stay behind? Does that make sense to you?

Uh oh, Number One smelled a rat and didn’t let Bond board the rocket because he did something a real astronaut wouldn’t do. The real ones are sitting back face palming.

Number One’s name is Blofeld and he has a face! And an awful scar. Also we have a movie title, courtesy of Blofeld. Damn, so that’s where Dr. Evil came from.

These Pluto ads aren’t terrible, but awfully repetitive. I can do without this Old Navy Christmas ad. Of course just as I say that the same ad for yet another sports bet app played three times in a row. God do I hate sports betting.

Here come the ninja reinforcements! Damn, so now they have cameras to monitor the volcano and they noticed the ninjas but not Bond and his bikini wife. Also crater guns are mowing down the ninjas.

Bond used a rocket cigarette to get the volcano open so there’s a huge ninja battle now.

Blofeld says he wants to kill Bond, has ample time to do so, but drags him along through the base and waits to try and shoot him in the main area where the ninjas are fighting, Before he can shoot, a throwing star hits his arm and he misses then runs off. Bond is the poster child of it’s better to be lucky than good.

Big fight between Bond and this giant blonde haired dude. He’s totally outmatched, but manages to throw him into the piranha pool anyway. During the fight he stole a key that enabled him to blowup the SPECTRE spaceship before they could capture another US one.

Blofeld has his own key which enabled the volcano self destruct. Bunch of ninjas are swimming away.

Bond and fake wife end up in a raft together and start making out, but M’s sub pops up and grabs him.

Bond will be back in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.

The End.

Wait, fake wife’s name was Kissy? Did they ever say that? 

This one was okay, but I feel like Connery was phoning it in a bit. I know at the time this was supposed to be his last film, but jeez. I think it could have been better with someone else in the role. And of course it’s horribly dated. Like if they re-made this today with Craig or someone new it would be pretty awesome, I think.

We’re going to try this one sober. Let’s see how it goes!

No cold open? Oh, no it’s just the Bond shooting us part, not the credits. And we open on  a funeral and the casket has the initials JB. This might be the shortest Bond film ever!

Fake out! Camera tilts up and Bond is in a balcony with a pretty French lady and she comments how the casket has the same initials. “At this moment I’d rather him than me.” Such compassion!

Oh, dead guy was a baddie that killed some of Bond’s associates. Well okay then.

Wow, so a lot to unpack here. They notice a blonde woman at the funeral and follow. She goes into this castle and to a room, but Bond is already there waiting for her. He walks up and punches her straight in the face! Is this more Connery ad-libbing? No apparently dead guy isn’t dead and was in disguise! They fight, Bond wins and now dead guy is really dead. Goons bust in and Bond escapes with a mother fucking jetpack! Remember back in the day when you’d see jetpacks on the news or something and they were like someday we’ll all have jetpacks! Still waiting.

Based on the opening credits, we’re going to Atlantis. I dig Tom Jones, but this song? Not so much.

French guy with an eye patch acting like a dick, must be a bad guy. Ah, he’s Number Two in SPECTRE.

Number One’s voice sounds different, though it is slightly distorted, and still no face, but that cat remains and he’s petting it.

Uh oh, someone was skimming so Number One hit a button and zapped the dude. His chair lowered to dispose of the body and returned. Efficient. Also finally watching these is making me appreciate the Austin Powers movies so much more. I knew it was a Bond parody, but had no idea how closely they were riffing.

Bond on the phone with Moneypenny and threatened to spank her next time he sees her, and she is here for it. My kinda lady.

From spanking to whatever the hell this is. Bond is in some hospital. Goes to see a sexy nurse and look at his x-rays. So naturally this is the perfect time to force himself on the nurse and kiss her against her will. She is decidedly NOT into it. She then straps him down to some traction machine that’s supposed to help his back. He’s lying face down, wrists and ankles strapped, and the machine moves back and forth and basically makes him hump the table. Kinkiest Bond movie so far. Hope he remembers his safeword.

Ugh, what a fucking creep! Some rando comes in and turns the machine onto full, making Bond hump the table at ludicrous speed. He does not have a safeword. Lucky for him sexy nurse returns to save him. She then takes him to the steam room to relax and is like, don’t tell the doctor I could lose my job. Bond is like, “I suppose my silence could have a price.” She’s like no creep, and he’s like yeah. He takes her into the steam room and drops her clothes. Fucking creep. I’m beginning to regret tracking this if rapes are going to be included.

Cut to some NATO pilot in bed with a super sexy redhead. Turns out she’s a baddie. Someone shows up who looks just like the pilot and kills him. He’s going to take his place and is working for SPECTRE. They’re paying him 100 grand but now he decides to negotiate and ask for 250 since there’s no one else who can do this. That’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off for him. They bring the body of the real guy to the place where Bond is, who is now in bed with sexy naked nurse who I guess just gave in due to blackmail. Bond finds the body, fights off some dude with a knife, then sets off the fire alarm, and he still has time to flirt with some other woman and sexy nurse is like, dude…

Fake pilot is up in a big jet, gases the rest of the crew and steals it. Oof, it has atomic weapons on it. That can’t be good. Dude somehow made the jet land on the water then gently float to the bottom without tipping at all. That’s some mad piloting and breaking the laws of physics skills. Sitting on the bottom of the ocean he pops the hatch but his seatbelt is stuck. Meanwhile, Number Two was nearby on a yacht and scubas down to meet him. He signals his seat belt is stuck, so Number Two pulls a knife, but cuts his air tube instead and waves goodbye. Guess his strategy did not work out for him.

They’re taking the bombs from the jet and on one of the bombs it says, “Handle like eggs.” WTF?

Bond is on his way to the office when some car rolls up on him and shoots a gun, then a motorcycle comes up behind that car and blows it up with a rocket or something. Turn out it’s super sexy redhead. She ditches the motorcycle and Bond just continues on like this is a normal thing.

At the office he goes to toss his hat but the coat rack is right next to the door. The look of disappointment on his face is priceless.

Whoa, a meeting full of 00’s! I see nine seats, so assume it’s 001 to 009. Operation Thunderball!

Bond goes on assignment to creep on the dead pilot’s sister. She’s snorkeling and he’s “hiding” behind some coral and watching her. Her foot gets stuck so he rushes in and saves her. He tells her he was “admiring her form” and she “swims like a man” which I guess he thinks is a compliment?

Bond slips and calls the sister a name only her friends use (Domino). She’s like how do you know that? He tells her it’s on the bracelet on her ankle. She says what sharp little eyes he has. He replies, “Wait till you get to my teeth.” Ewwww.

Uh oh, more Go Fish. Number Two is playing. Bond waltzes in and wins and makes a SPECTRE reference. For a spy he’s not very subtle, using his real name and saying SPECTRE like 100 times. Domino is sitting next to Number Two. Bond steals her away to get her a drink and Number Two is like whatevs.

Number Two has a swimming pool with sharks in it. Seems like a waste of a nice pool. Oh but he just had a dude thrown into the pool and the sharks ate him, allegedly.

More Q gadgets! Damn, Bond hates Q for some reason. What a dick. 

Bond is scuba diving under Number Two’s yacht and they’re fishing for Bond using hand grenades.

Bond is invited to Number Two’s place, because they’re civil. Domino is there in a one piece bathing suit. While the two are talking Bond is distracted by her, so she’s like I should go change. Next scene she shows up in a bikini! Also Number Two has a goon named Vargas who does not smoke, drink, or make love. No wonder he’s a killer. Dude must have a lot of pent up frustration.

Wow. Bond was fighting a guy and they fell into the pool. Number Two closed the pool cover above them and sent in the sharks. Bond stabbed the other dude so the sharks went to him and he swam through the tunnel where the sharks came from, but another one was coming through as well. He basically stepped aside while the shark went by but it was very obvious like glass or a screen or whatever was in between. Was very jarring.

Okay, this should probably be creepy, but also kind of a baller move since she’s a baddie. Bond had an assistant with him named Paula in an adjoining room at the hotel. Super sexy redhead helped the bad guys kidnap her and now Paula is dead. Bond goes into her room and hears someone in the tub. Walked in and there’s the red head. She’s like can you give me something to put on? He hands her a pair of shoes then sits down in a chair to watch (why is there an arm chair in front of the tub?) Oh, and they fucked.

Damn she played him. They were going to leave together, he opens the door and there’s a bunch of goons outside. He reaches for his gun but she has it trained on him. Also she has this giant SPECTRE ring. Spies aren’t very sneaky in this world. They all walk around with neon signs over their heads, yet they treat each other as if they don’t know. Very weird.

Oh geez, Bond is like I faked it with you baby. Gimme a break.

Lol, he got shot in the calf and isn’t even limping.

Damn, Bond sneaks into a club trying to escape. The baddies find him and redhead is dancing with him. Someone shoots at him but he spins them so she takes it in the back. Also the bullet went between his fingers where he was holding her back while they dance. Was a perfect shot and he definitely wasn’t breaking a blood capsule on her back with his hand.

Should probably mention the plot is SPECTRE is demanding 100 million pounds sterling in diamonds or they use the bombs, and Bond it trying to locate them.

That’s messed up. Bond’s CIA friend shot a shark so Bond can dive safely. Poor innocent shark, just minding his own business and swimming. He found the stolen jet but no bombs, however he got the dog tags form the dead pilot so he can show Domino.

Wait wait wait. Domino is scuba diving. Bond finds her underwater. They meet up, embrace, and sink to the bottom behind some coral. A huge air bubble drifts above them. Are they implying they fucked at the bottom? How does that even work? Back above water he says, “I hope we didn’t frighten the fish.” Yikes, just what were they doing?

She steps on something in the water and says it’s poisonous. He takes her to shore has her flip over and he sucks it out of her foot. When did this become a Tarantino film?

Ha. Vargas was sneaking up on them, but Bond kills him with a spear gun. “I think he got the point.”

Underwater scuba fights are more confusing than exciting.

Bond got himself trapped in their underwater hideout and had to have the CIA bail his ass out, just like in WWII.

Bunch of dudes in orange jumpsuits parachuted into the water wearing scuba gear and now we have a spear gun fight with SPECTRE. What is happening here? Aquaman this is not. I can’t believe this slow moving battle is still going on. This is a hot mess. Oh good, here come the sharks. Nine minutes. That big underwater battle went on for nine minutes but it felt like ninety.

I can’t even describe this final fight between Bond and Number Two except that they should be playing Yakety Sax considering how sped up the film is. Also Domino saved Bond’s ass by shooting Number Two in the back with a, you guessed it, spear gun.

So wait, the boat was out of control and going to crash into some rocks. Bond, Domino, and a bad guy turned good guy all jump off.  A plane flies by and drops an inflatable raft for them, but only Bond and Domino get on it. Then he inflated this balloon and attaches it to himself. A plane flies by and snags it pulling both Bond and Domino into the air and safety I guess, but what about the other guy? Guess he’s fucked and just floating in the ocean.

The End

Huh, guess Bond won’t be returning?

Wow, this was kind of a boring mess. I was enjoying it well enough for a while, but felt they could have cut 20-30 minutes out for the better. Then the final climatic battle is where this became a real stinker. That underwater fight was just a train wreck. Slow moving, confusing, just a complete mess. I pretty much checked out there. I’m totally regretting this, but we’re adding another three. I’m going to change the name and not refer to this as a score any longer. I’m going to lose the alliteration I love so much, but what can you do?

Bond Molestations total – 12

My two week vacation has officially begun. I’m a little drunk, but here we go with the third Bond film in three years.

I’m already a large glass of Maker’s Mark in, so this should be good.

Maybe I’m on drugs. Bond scubas in with a fake duck on his head as a disguise, then the film went super fast as he threw his gear away. Not sure if bad effects or a bad download. Pretty sure it was bad effects speeding up the film.

My man wears a white tux under his scuba gear. Total playa.

He goes to a bar, an explosion that he set goes off (because they kept barrels of nitro in an office?) and people flee, but a sexy dancing girl gives him a look. Cut to his room and sexy dancing girl is naked in the tub. Bond shows up and they kiss, but there’s a baddie in the room too sneaking up on them. Bond sees him reflected in her eyes, so he turns them causing the baddie to hit the woman instead! She was in on it, but still. After an awkward fight, baddie ends up in the tub but has a gun. Bond flings an electric fan into the tub frying him. He quips, “Shocking, positively shocking” as he leaves the naked girl on the floor. Did they bang previously? Probably. We’ll count it.

Ah, 60’s Goldfinger song. Groovy. GOLD-FINGER, wa waaa wah.

Miami Beach? Not a very exotic locale.

Ewww. So Bond is poolside getting a massage from a woman named Dink. A contact comes over and Bond tells her to say goodbye. She’s like why? He tells her because of “man talk” then slaps her on the ass as she walks away confused. And then both of them stare at her ass after he slapped it. This is fucked up even for the 60’s.

More ewww. So we meet Goldfinger, playing cards poolside against some schmuck. Bond notices something and goes up into the hotel. Hotel staff maid is walking by. He basically accosts her to get her master key and get into Goldfinger’s room. She just lets it happen, then he says “You’re very sweet” and she walks away as if nothing ever happened. I feel like I need to apologize to women everywhere for this film and anything I may have done to them in my life.

He finds a very sexy blonde lady in a bikini laying on her stomach and using binoculars to help Goldfinger cheat. He stops her. She says who are you and he delivers the classic Bond, James Bond.

This is getting creepy. Sorry, creepier. He asks her what her deal is, why she’s doing it. She says he pays her to do this and to be seen with him. He presses and she says just seen, to which he replies ,“I’m so glad.” He forces Goldfinger to lose, then makes his moves on blonde lady, Jill Masterson. What a very strange and ordinary name. She’s instantly in love with him because Connery was a panty dropper back in the day. 

Oh, they fucked already. That was fast.

Ugh, the radio was playing and the announcer was reporting, “The president said he was entirely satisfied…” *click* Bond shut it off then said, “That makes two of us.”

A lot of ughs in this one. His American contact calls him. Bond is stalling saying no dinner, let’s do breakfast. Jill sexily whispers, “Not too early.” Bond pushes her face away!

Ha! He’s all anal retentive about his Dom Pérignon being at 38 degrees fahrenheit (did they not use celsius back then?) so he goes into the fridge and some dude karate chops him and knocks him out. Is that Odd Job? How do I know that name? Guess we’ll see.

Oh fuck, Jill is covered in gold! She dead. Guess I should have known with a normal name like that. WTF? She died of skin suffocation? Had to Google that one and it’s 100% bullshit. Too funny!

Oooh, M threatens to replace him with 008.

Damn, Moneypenny is awesome. She throws his hat onto the coat rack, basically saying see bitch? Ain’t that hard, and she’s the one flirting with Bond and asking for a wedding ring and shit. I like her.

Bond is an alcohol expert. I’m thinking he has a problem. Functional alcoholic maybe?

They give him a bar of gold to help bait Goldfinger and say it’s with 5,000 pounds. Is that a lot? Even back then? Doesn’t seem like it. Well, Google says that would be just over 100,000 pounds today, which is $140,000. How did we live before the internet?

Q and more gadgets! ASTON MARTIN DB5!!!!! It has an ejector seat! I remember this from Cannonball Run.

It is Odd Job! Bond and Goldfinger are playing golf and Odd Job is a caddy?

Goldfinger missed a one foot putt…how is that possible?

Odd Job cheats at golf!

Ha! Bond switched Goldfinger’s ball so he loses. So crafty.

Lol, Odd Job’s hat cut off a statues head somehow. Damn, he also crushed a golf ball in his hand.

So Bond was tailing Goldfinger. Pretty lady in a Mustang passes him on the road. Goldfinger stops, Bond stops on a hill above him watching, and above Bond was pretty Mustang lady with a rifle. She’s a terrible shot and missed Bond by  a mile.

That Aston Martin is a sexy vehicle.

WTF? So Bond is infiltrating Goldfinger’s base and pretty lady shows up with her rifle. Turns out she was trying to kill Goldfinger earlier but her aim is horrendous! Also she’s Jill’s sister looking for revenge.

Can anyone lend me a million dollars so I can buy that Aston Martin? Please?

OMG, Odd Job threw his hat and knocked out pretty lady, but didn’t cut her head off. That’s a versatile hat.

So far all of Odd Job’s lines have been “Aah aah!”

Ha! Bond got to use the ejector seat…was more impressive in Cannonball Run.

Oh snap! Is this the scene I think it is? Bond is tied to a table with a laser slowly heading towards his crotch. Bond, “Do you expect me to talk?” Goldfinger, “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!” Classic.

He talked/bluffed his way out of it? Kinda lame. The Simpsons did it better.

PUSSY GALORE! Okay, quick side story. In high school I did some creative writing assignment and I did a spy type thing and used Pussy Galore as a character name because I thought it wasn’t really from the movie, because how could it be? I thought a stand up comic made it up or something. I had no idea at the time and somehow my teacher didn’t mark me down for it. I only lost points because I didn’t keep my past/present tense consistent. Don’t ask me why I remember this.

Martini, shaken not stirred, served by sexy Mei Lei on a private jet.

Ha, Pussy says she’s immune to his charm.

Pussy is a real bad ass. Also, I just enjoy typing her name, so sue me.

Damn, she has a sexy pilot brigade.

Goldfinger’s guards are dumb as rocks.

Wow, Bond was spying on their plan and Pussy shows up and takes him out. Total bad ass.

So the plan is to detonate an atomic device in Fort Knox. The Chinese are helping. It puts the US economy in chaos and makes Goldfinger’s gold more valuable.

Pussy changed into something more fuckable and is putting her charms all over Bond.

Connery/Bond has zero problems laying hands on women, but this time Pussy flips his ass on the ground. She’s my new favorite. Yuck, he literally forces himself on her to kiss, and then she’s suddenly into it. Guessing they fucked.

Ha, all these extras in military outfits pretending to be knocked out.

Trying to figure out why they kept Bond alive and brought him along for the Fort Knox caper. Not finding an answer.

Ha, guess they were all faking being knocked out? WTF?

Odd Job is kicking Bond’s ass.

Damn, Bond electrocuted Odd Job.

Bond trying to diffuse the bomb was like a virgin dealing with his first vagina. Lucky for him he was saved by some rando who walked over and just turned it off.

Ha, even the US government knows Bond is an alcoholic. They give him a flight to the White House and provide liquor for three, but he’s the only one on board.

Uh oh, Goldfinger is on the plane!

OMG, he has a gun, they struggle, gun goes off and blows out a tiny window, Goldfinger, who is not a skinny dude, floats and goes through said small window. I literally lol’ed at that one.

Damn, Bond and Pussy were on the plane and it crashed into the ocean and exploded. But of course they somehow escaped and were on an island maybe? When search planes came Pussy signaled for them, but Bond said, “Oh no you don’t, this is no time to be rescued.” So they could fuck some more under a parachute.

Hey, what happened to pretty lady in the Mustang, Jill’s sister? I missed that one. Oh well, guess she wasn’t fuckable enough.

The End.

BUT, Bond will be back in Thunderball!

GOLDFINGER! Wa waaah wah.

This one wasn’t as much fun I think, but big ups to Pussy Galore. Not only does she have the best name, but she was a bad ass in her own right, even if she does give in to Bond’s “charms” a little too easily. I counted three more Bond Bangs. I’m sensing a pattern.

Bond Bangs total score – 9

Need to start with a little rant. When I decided to do this I made a spreadsheet of all the films and the various services that I subscribe to they were available on, but now that the calendar changed to November some are no longer available. I guess it was a temp thing for one month because of the new film? This is the kind of bullshit that leads to piracy. I try to be honest and do the right thing, but you gotta meet me halfway and not do bait and switch bullshit. I was even going to rent the ones that were missing, but fuck these guys. No money for you! Anyway, let’s go to Russia and find some love.

Another year, another James Bond movie. They were ready to milk this franchise from jump, I guess.

No groovy 60’s intro? Must be a cold open.

We find Dolph Lundgren playing hide and seek with Bond in a garden. He kills Bond with a garrote hidden in is watch? Oh but surprise surprise, it was some nobody in disguise, so Bond is fine. And now here’s my groovy opening credits starring sexy lady legs and other body parts.

Now we’re at a chess tournament. This is less interesting without a sexy redhead. #QueensGambit

New main bad guy. They call him Number One, which is a little on the nose. He likes watching tiny fish fight and petting a cat. We never see his face.

Dolph is getting  a massage from a sexy blonde lady in a 60’s bikini. Movie you have my attention. Also they’re on SPECTRE Island, lol.

A little old lady hit Dolph in the stomach with brass knuckles. Guess he passed that strenuous test.

Little old lady has coke bottle glasses and is interviewing another sexy blonde lady (Tatiana). Sounds like her mission is to seduce someone and give false info. She’s given a picture of her target. We don’t see it, but based on her reaction we know she’s swooning over Bond. Also, Tatiana thinks she’s working for Russia, not SPECTRE.

Oh hey, it’s the real Bond making out with someone in a canoe that’s on land. Oh, it’s his go fish partner from Dr. No! Hmm, more banging implied before he goes back to the office, do we count it? Nah, no re-runs.

Another hat toss on the coat rack. What a playa. Gotta admit, Connery was a sexy motherfucker back in the day.

What a dog. M tells him about Tatiana and her wanting to defect. They say it’s probably a trap. Bond sees a pic of her and is like I’m free to fall into that trap.

Oooooh, gadgets! Q has a fancy brief case! Mostly just hidden stuff, but also a smoke bomb if you don’t open it correctly.

This time Moneypenny is sexually harassing Bond. Equal rights?

Bond is going to Istanbul (not Constantinople).

Bond drinks coffee medium sweet? WTF?

Dolph looks very uncomfortable in a tiny car, but not as much as the dude beaten and tied up in the back. Kinky. Also back seat dude is dead.

Thrilling action as Bond looks behind every painting in the room searching for listening devices or so the music would imply!

Wowzers. Not sure who this new lady is in bed with chief Istanbul dude, but more please. Oh shit, nevermind they dead, oh not dead, but there was an explosion.

Oh snap, head Istanbul dude has a secret underground waterway to the Russian HQ and a periscope to spy on them.  Tatiana shows up and Bond is being all creepy watching her walk around as he can only see her from the waist down. Jesus, Bond is such a pervert.

Meanwhile, my wife just came in the room and posed telling me she’s a sexy Bond girl. Just thought I’d share that.

Bond and Istanbul guy went to visit gypsies. Guess that term wasn’t offensive yet. Uh oh, belly dancer and of course she all dances up in his business!

Ugh, two women are fighting over a dude, literally. Gross, yet sexy of course.

We never find out who wins because the camp is invaded by Russians maybe? Big battle ensues and bond waltzes through taking out anyone he comes across. Weird, Dolph was hiding and sniped some dudes that were going to get bond.

Oh boy, Bond saved the gypsy leader and in return he asked him to stop the “girl fight” so he told Bond he should decide the matter. Cut to Bond in a tent and both women show up and he’s told to “decide, they’re both yours” which he responds “might take some time.” Next morning they’re fawning all over him. Definite three-way happened, count it.

More Ugh, so Bond and Istanbul dude were ambushing the leader who ambushed the gypsies. He escaped through a window in a wall that had a billboard for some Bob Hope and Anita Ekberg film. First they comment on her “lovely mouth”, then his escape window was in the middle of her mouth. They shoot him and Bond quips “She should have kept her mouth shut.” This fucking guy.

Wait, he pre-ordered breakfast and asked for coffee very black? Inconsistencies!

Jesus, Bond is about to take a bath but hears a noise. Someone broke into his room. Wearing only a towel he looks to find Tatiana (call her Tanya) snuck into his bed naked under the covers. WTF kind of spy games is this and where do I sign up? Damn, they kissing already. Oh, they fuckin’.

Aaahhh, the mirror above the bed was two way. Some creepers are behind it filming and smoking a cigarette…gross.

Bond and Tanya blew up the Russian place and stole the secret typewriter or something. I dunno, I was looking at Facebook for a minute. They escaped on a train.

Okay, so they’re on a train for two days in a room together. He shows her a suitcase full of lingerie and she goes apeshit over it. So basically they fuckin’ on the train for two days. Ugh, Istanbul dude saw Tanya in one of her new “outfits” and was super creepy, not even hiding his ogling. She is sexy as fuck, but still…

Uh oh, Dolph is on the train!

Bond smacked her ass…I’ll allow it.

Uh-oh, Istanbul dude had an “accident.” Him and some other guy he was watching are dead. Assuming Dolph got them.

Whoa, now that his friend is dead he’s smacking Tanya around looking for answers. Assuming that wasn’t in the script and Connery improvised. Either way, bad Bond.

Jeez, Bond had to tell Istanbul’s kid his dad is dead, not much sympathy there. Hey your dad’s dead, now pay attention and do all this shit for me!

Zagreb is a place, apparently? Google says it’s the capitol of Croatia. I learned something today.

Ugh again. So he met some other British spy dude at the stop, then the three of them go to the dining car. Waiter comes over and only gives menus to the men. Guess women are too frail to order for themselves.

Uh oh, “British” dude spilled her drink then refilled it and dropped a pill in it. Assuming this is pre-roofie era…aaaand she drank it. Yeah, he roofied her.

Oh James. He knew British dude drugged her so he pulled his gun, then decided to trust him as they look at a map. British dude pulls a gun from his ankle and knocks Bond out. Uh-oh, he’s a SPECTRE dude.

Damn, so British dude was Dolph I guess. Didn’t recognize him because he suddenly looks a lot smaller. He tells Bond everything, as one does, and provides the film of him and Tanya fucking that he plans to plant on them after killing them. Poor Tanya is just pawn in game of life.

Wow, so Bond tricks him with the exploding gadget brief case, then after a long, awkward fight in the train car he chokes him to death with his own garrote watch.

Jesus fuck, Bond! He’s telling Tanya, “Wake up or I’ll leave you behind.” She was drugged, you shit!

They get off the train, he leaves her in the ditch to do more heroics, then goes to get her and says, “Come on or I’ll leave you here.” Let me remind you, the woman is still drugged.

Very strange sequence as they escape in a flower truck and a helicopter chases them dropping grenades. They stop and Bond runs around as the helicopter buzzes him. Eventually he stops and gets out his rifle and the copter goes to drop a grenade on him, but he shoots him first, dude drops the grenade in the copter and it blows up.

So main, faceless bad guy with a cat, (Number 1), has the chess guy killed because his plan failed. Little old lady lives to fight another day, but she was sweating.

Bond and Tanya were escaping by boat. They had these huge drums of fuel on it. Doesn’t seem safe but whatevs. Suddenly more boats appear and chase them. They shoot the drums of fuel. Bond ditches the drums and pretends to give up, then shoots the drums with a flare gun, causing big explosions and fire that catches all the bad guys boats. “In England they have an expression, where there’s smoke there’s fire”. Okay, Bond, you do you.

Damn. Bond and Tanya are in a hotel room thinking they got away. Little old SPECTRE lady shows up dressed as a maid to steal the secret typewriter and orders Tanya to help her, which she does! But then as little old SPECTRE lady is about to shoot Bond, Tanya pops back in and betrays her. Old lady struggles with Bond, then Tanya shoots her dead.

Okay, so little old lady tried to kill Bond with a poison knife in her shoe. Tanya calls her a “horrible woman” to which Bond replies, “Yes, she’s had her kicks.” Ugh, kill me.

They sail off in Venice (or a stationary boat in front of a movie screen playing scenes from Venice) and Bond still has the film of them fuckin, But he’s a gentleman and throws it into the water as they make out and waves goodbye to it?

The End.

OMG, in the credits it has Ernst Blofeld being played as ? That’s it, a question mark. That is legendary!

And Bond will be back in Goldinger.

Maybe this is the four glasses of wine talking, but I really enjoyed this one. I’m not becoming a James Bond fan, am I? Still lacking on the action and heavy on the misogyny, but very enjoyable nonetheless. By my count we have three more Bond bangs to add to our tally. Also, I’m digging Tanya more than Honey, even though she didn’t have a fun, cringy name.

Bond Bang total score – 6