We’re going to try this one sober. Let’s see how it goes!
No cold open? Oh, no it’s just the Bond shooting us part, not the credits. And we open on a funeral and the casket has the initials JB. This might be the shortest Bond film ever!
Fake out! Camera tilts up and Bond is in a balcony with a pretty French lady and she comments how the casket has the same initials. “At this moment I’d rather him than me.” Such compassion!
Oh, dead guy was a baddie that killed some of Bond’s associates. Well okay then.
Wow, so a lot to unpack here. They notice a blonde woman at the funeral and follow. She goes into this castle and to a room, but Bond is already there waiting for her. He walks up and punches her straight in the face! Is this more Connery ad-libbing? No apparently dead guy isn’t dead and was in disguise! They fight, Bond wins and now dead guy is really dead. Goons bust in and Bond escapes with a mother fucking jetpack! Remember back in the day when you’d see jetpacks on the news or something and they were like someday we’ll all have jetpacks! Still waiting.
Based on the opening credits, we’re going to Atlantis. I dig Tom Jones, but this song? Not so much.
French guy with an eye patch acting like a dick, must be a bad guy. Ah, he’s Number Two in SPECTRE.
Number One’s voice sounds different, though it is slightly distorted, and still no face, but that cat remains and he’s petting it.
Uh oh, someone was skimming so Number One hit a button and zapped the dude. His chair lowered to dispose of the body and returned. Efficient. Also finally watching these is making me appreciate the Austin Powers movies so much more. I knew it was a Bond parody, but had no idea how closely they were riffing.
Bond on the phone with Moneypenny and threatened to spank her next time he sees her, and she is here for it. My kinda lady.
From spanking to whatever the hell this is. Bond is in some hospital. Goes to see a sexy nurse and look at his x-rays. So naturally this is the perfect time to force himself on the nurse and kiss her against her will. She is decidedly NOT into it. She then straps him down to some traction machine that’s supposed to help his back. He’s lying face down, wrists and ankles strapped, and the machine moves back and forth and basically makes him hump the table. Kinkiest Bond movie so far. Hope he remembers his safeword.
Ugh, what a fucking creep! Some rando comes in and turns the machine onto full, making Bond hump the table at ludicrous speed. He does not have a safeword. Lucky for him sexy nurse returns to save him. She then takes him to the steam room to relax and is like, don’t tell the doctor I could lose my job. Bond is like, “I suppose my silence could have a price.” She’s like no creep, and he’s like yeah. He takes her into the steam room and drops her clothes. Fucking creep. I’m beginning to regret tracking this if rapes are going to be included.
Cut to some NATO pilot in bed with a super sexy redhead. Turns out she’s a baddie. Someone shows up who looks just like the pilot and kills him. He’s going to take his place and is working for SPECTRE. They’re paying him 100 grand but now he decides to negotiate and ask for 250 since there’s no one else who can do this. That’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off for him. They bring the body of the real guy to the place where Bond is, who is now in bed with sexy naked nurse who I guess just gave in due to blackmail. Bond finds the body, fights off some dude with a knife, then sets off the fire alarm, and he still has time to flirt with some other woman and sexy nurse is like, dude…
Fake pilot is up in a big jet, gases the rest of the crew and steals it. Oof, it has atomic weapons on it. That can’t be good. Dude somehow made the jet land on the water then gently float to the bottom without tipping at all. That’s some mad piloting and breaking the laws of physics skills. Sitting on the bottom of the ocean he pops the hatch but his seatbelt is stuck. Meanwhile, Number Two was nearby on a yacht and scubas down to meet him. He signals his seat belt is stuck, so Number Two pulls a knife, but cuts his air tube instead and waves goodbye. Guess his strategy did not work out for him.
They’re taking the bombs from the jet and on one of the bombs it says, “Handle like eggs.” WTF?
Bond is on his way to the office when some car rolls up on him and shoots a gun, then a motorcycle comes up behind that car and blows it up with a rocket or something. Turn out it’s super sexy redhead. She ditches the motorcycle and Bond just continues on like this is a normal thing.
At the office he goes to toss his hat but the coat rack is right next to the door. The look of disappointment on his face is priceless.
Whoa, a meeting full of 00’s! I see nine seats, so assume it’s 001 to 009. Operation Thunderball!
Bond goes on assignment to creep on the dead pilot’s sister. She’s snorkeling and he’s “hiding” behind some coral and watching her. Her foot gets stuck so he rushes in and saves her. He tells her he was “admiring her form” and she “swims like a man” which I guess he thinks is a compliment?
Bond slips and calls the sister a name only her friends use (Domino). She’s like how do you know that? He tells her it’s on the bracelet on her ankle. She says what sharp little eyes he has. He replies, “Wait till you get to my teeth.” Ewwww.
Uh oh, more Go Fish. Number Two is playing. Bond waltzes in and wins and makes a SPECTRE reference. For a spy he’s not very subtle, using his real name and saying SPECTRE like 100 times. Domino is sitting next to Number Two. Bond steals her away to get her a drink and Number Two is like whatevs.
Number Two has a swimming pool with sharks in it. Seems like a waste of a nice pool. Oh but he just had a dude thrown into the pool and the sharks ate him, allegedly.
More Q gadgets! Damn, Bond hates Q for some reason. What a dick.
Bond is scuba diving under Number Two’s yacht and they’re fishing for Bond using hand grenades.
Bond is invited to Number Two’s place, because they’re civil. Domino is there in a one piece bathing suit. While the two are talking Bond is distracted by her, so she’s like I should go change. Next scene she shows up in a bikini! Also Number Two has a goon named Vargas who does not smoke, drink, or make love. No wonder he’s a killer. Dude must have a lot of pent up frustration.
Wow. Bond was fighting a guy and they fell into the pool. Number Two closed the pool cover above them and sent in the sharks. Bond stabbed the other dude so the sharks went to him and he swam through the tunnel where the sharks came from, but another one was coming through as well. He basically stepped aside while the shark went by but it was very obvious like glass or a screen or whatever was in between. Was very jarring.
Okay, this should probably be creepy, but also kind of a baller move since she’s a baddie. Bond had an assistant with him named Paula in an adjoining room at the hotel. Super sexy redhead helped the bad guys kidnap her and now Paula is dead. Bond goes into her room and hears someone in the tub. Walked in and there’s the red head. She’s like can you give me something to put on? He hands her a pair of shoes then sits down in a chair to watch (why is there an arm chair in front of the tub?) Oh, and they fucked.
Damn she played him. They were going to leave together, he opens the door and there’s a bunch of goons outside. He reaches for his gun but she has it trained on him. Also she has this giant SPECTRE ring. Spies aren’t very sneaky in this world. They all walk around with neon signs over their heads, yet they treat each other as if they don’t know. Very weird.
Oh geez, Bond is like I faked it with you baby. Gimme a break.
Lol, he got shot in the calf and isn’t even limping.
Damn, Bond sneaks into a club trying to escape. The baddies find him and redhead is dancing with him. Someone shoots at him but he spins them so she takes it in the back. Also the bullet went between his fingers where he was holding her back while they dance. Was a perfect shot and he definitely wasn’t breaking a blood capsule on her back with his hand.
Should probably mention the plot is SPECTRE is demanding 100 million pounds sterling in diamonds or they use the bombs, and Bond it trying to locate them.
That’s messed up. Bond’s CIA friend shot a shark so Bond can dive safely. Poor innocent shark, just minding his own business and swimming. He found the stolen jet but no bombs, however he got the dog tags form the dead pilot so he can show Domino.
Wait wait wait. Domino is scuba diving. Bond finds her underwater. They meet up, embrace, and sink to the bottom behind some coral. A huge air bubble drifts above them. Are they implying they fucked at the bottom? How does that even work? Back above water he says, “I hope we didn’t frighten the fish.” Yikes, just what were they doing?
She steps on something in the water and says it’s poisonous. He takes her to shore has her flip over and he sucks it out of her foot. When did this become a Tarantino film?
Ha. Vargas was sneaking up on them, but Bond kills him with a spear gun. “I think he got the point.”
Underwater scuba fights are more confusing than exciting.
Bond got himself trapped in their underwater hideout and had to have the CIA bail his ass out, just like in WWII.
Bunch of dudes in orange jumpsuits parachuted into the water wearing scuba gear and now we have a spear gun fight with SPECTRE. What is happening here? Aquaman this is not. I can’t believe this slow moving battle is still going on. This is a hot mess. Oh good, here come the sharks. Nine minutes. That big underwater battle went on for nine minutes but it felt like ninety.
I can’t even describe this final fight between Bond and Number Two except that they should be playing Yakety Sax considering how sped up the film is. Also Domino saved Bond’s ass by shooting Number Two in the back with a, you guessed it, spear gun.
So wait, the boat was out of control and going to crash into some rocks. Bond, Domino, and a bad guy turned good guy all jump off. A plane flies by and drops an inflatable raft for them, but only Bond and Domino get on it. Then he inflated this balloon and attaches it to himself. A plane flies by and snags it pulling both Bond and Domino into the air and safety I guess, but what about the other guy? Guess he’s fucked and just floating in the ocean.
The End
Huh, guess Bond won’t be returning?
Wow, this was kind of a boring mess. I was enjoying it well enough for a while, but felt they could have cut 20-30 minutes out for the better. Then the final climatic battle is where this became a real stinker. That underwater fight was just a train wreck. Slow moving, confusing, just a complete mess. I pretty much checked out there. I’m totally regretting this, but we’re adding another three. I’m going to change the name and not refer to this as a score any longer. I’m going to lose the alliteration I love so much, but what can you do?
Bond Molestations total – 12