Well the Flyers are stinking up the ice, so here we are. Giving this a try on Pluto. It’s a free service with commercials. Hopefully they stick them in at appropriate times (Unlike Bond. Get it?)
They were churning these out every year, but took a year off after Thunderball, which was probably a wise move.
Cold open…in spaaaaace!
Just realized this is pre-moon landing. Crazy.
So an American capsule is in orbit when another ship comes up and swallows it, stranding a dude who was outside the capsule. He gonna die and it won’t be a pleasant death.
USA is blaming Russia for the hijack, and for some reason the UK is there and telling the USA to chill. Did the UK really have this much influence in geopolitics? Also they say they have a man working on it in Hong Kong now. Cut to Bond in bed with a pretty local lady and his opening line is, “Why do Chinese girls taste different from all other girls?” So this one is not starting out well. Her name is Ling but looks like she’s a baddie. She pushes a button and it flips the Murphy bed closed. Two dudes show up with machine guns and shoot the shit out of the bed and leave. WTF? Bond is dead? Lol, dude said looks like he died on the job and the other said he’d want to go out this way. And we go into the opening credits.
Nancy Sinatra’s boots were not made for this song.
His death made the front page of the paper. Burial at sea. This will be a short film, though I’m guessing the title will come into play here. Ugh, more scuba dudes. Please no more underwater stuff! They grabbed the body and took it to a sub. Fake out! Oh shit, his office is on the sub and he even has a coat rack to throw his naval hat on and Moneypenny is there looking sexy in a naval uniform. Hmm, based on his convo with Moneypenny, some ambiguity if he and Ling did it, but I’m still going to count it.
Bond in Japan and give the movie credit, they found Asian actors this time.
Sumo wrestling!
Ha, his contact got his drink order messed up. He stirred it. Oh damn, contact got stabbed in the back mid-sentence.
Bond knows couch-fu.
Weird, the office walls are made of tissue paper, yet the doors lock.
Apparently Japan in more misogynistic than Bond, so naturally he wants to retire there. Especially after getting bathed by three pretty ladies in bikinis. Also, Bond was in a kimono.
You know what, gonna stop tracking Bond’s exploits. Getting too ambiguous and I still feel dirty after the last movie. So there.
Well, Bond is under cover as a Mr. Fisher. Probably the first time he didn’t walk in and introduce himself. Meets up with some big wig who shows up in a helicopter with his “confidential secretary” and she’s a sexy German redhead.
Big wig has a fancy desk with an x-ray, so he sees Bond has a gun. He also comments on how he should quit smoking and redhead walks over with a drink saying how he believes in a healthy chest. Meanwhile her ample chest is protruding out in all its glory. JFC movie, you’re killing me. Also, SPECTRE certainly has a type for their assassins and they also happen to be my type.
As Bond is leaving they try to kill him. There’s a car chase and the bad guys’ car is lifted in the air via magnet and a helicopter. Dude driving is 100 feet in the air and still turning the steering wheel. Know when to fold em my dude. I take it back, they dropped the car in the water. Steer away!
Bond would be dead a couple more times if not for Aki, the Japanese spy. Bond is weighing her down.
You know what makes a fight scene great? Shooting it from the air from very far away so you can’t really tell what’s happening and people just fall around him. His stunt man earned his pay check with a couple high falls, but then Bond gets taken out pretty easily from behind. Baddies got him.
Bond is tied to a chair. Sexy redhead shows up looking for info. Threatens to peel his skin off with a plastic surgeon tool, then instantly ditches that and starts making out with him. He gives her a BS story about industrial espionage and offers to split money or something if she helps him escape to Europe. She cuts him loose and gives him the tool, which he uses to cut open her dress and they bang. But joke’s on him. After she’s flying them in a plane presumably to escape she drops a smoke bomb. A board appears which is somehow trapping his hands and she bails via parachute. Of course Bond gets free and crash lands the plane relatively safely.
Ha, he had Q show up with parts in suitcases for a mini-helicopter which some dudes put together. It has gadgets! Not gonna lie, that thing looks fun to fly, but not at all safe.
Some real helicopters showed up and the Bond theme is playing so you know shit is about to go down. Lol, he had mines on little tiny parachutes. He blew them all up good.
Russians launch their own rocket and it gets gobbled up too.
Uh oh, it’s Number One cat lover! Still no face, but another new voice?
He has a coy pond but full of piranhas. Goon throws in a hunk of meet on a string. Pulls it out and just a bone is left.
WTF? Number One tells them Mr. Fisher is Bond and they’re totally surprised saying but Bond is dead! Idiots, you both saw him in person. You saw his picture in the papers. You couldn’t piece that together yourselves? Plus wouldn’t SPECTRE have pictures of this guy by now? Because of their stupidity, sexy redhead got fed to the piranhas, but the dude lives. Typical.
Uh oh, mother fucking ninjas! Ninja training school! Bond is to become Japanese, train as a ninja, and take a wife. This is creepy. If he had pointy ears he’s look more Romulan than Japanese. Also, he’s banging Aki.
Look out! Assassin in the ceiling with poison on a string. I saw this in Grosse Pointe Blank. Oh snap! He was aiming for Bond, but he shifted in his sleep then so did Aki, so she got the poison. She dead. I would think the biggest danger from banging Bond would be an STD, but looks like killed by SPECTRE is the biggest concern.
He’s getting a fake wife for his cover and all he cares about is how she looks. What a dick. And of course she turns out to be cute as hell.
Is it common to have a Japanese guy with a Scottish accent?
Lol, he’s at his new wife’s house and sits down to eat. He’s super psyched to have oysters. But then new wife tells him they’ll be sleeping in separate beds and this is business so keep it in your pants. So he shove the plate away saying, “Well I won’t need these.” This fucking guy.
Well so much for business, they kissin.
They stumble onto the SPECTRE base hidden in an inactive volcano.
Bond goes all “ninja” to save the astronauts. So Bond and the astronauts dress up as guards and then take the place of SPECTRE astronauts. Well Bond takes the place of an astronaut, meanwhile the real astronauts stay behind? Does that make sense to you?
Uh oh, Number One smelled a rat and didn’t let Bond board the rocket because he did something a real astronaut wouldn’t do. The real ones are sitting back face palming.
Number One’s name is Blofeld and he has a face! And an awful scar. Also we have a movie title, courtesy of Blofeld. Damn, so that’s where Dr. Evil came from.
These Pluto ads aren’t terrible, but awfully repetitive. I can do without this Old Navy Christmas ad. Of course just as I say that the same ad for yet another sports bet app played three times in a row. God do I hate sports betting.
Here come the ninja reinforcements! Damn, so now they have cameras to monitor the volcano and they noticed the ninjas but not Bond and his bikini wife. Also crater guns are mowing down the ninjas.
Bond used a rocket cigarette to get the volcano open so there’s a huge ninja battle now.
Blofeld says he wants to kill Bond, has ample time to do so, but drags him along through the base and waits to try and shoot him in the main area where the ninjas are fighting, Before he can shoot, a throwing star hits his arm and he misses then runs off. Bond is the poster child of it’s better to be lucky than good.
Big fight between Bond and this giant blonde haired dude. He’s totally outmatched, but manages to throw him into the piranha pool anyway. During the fight he stole a key that enabled him to blowup the SPECTRE spaceship before they could capture another US one.
Blofeld has his own key which enabled the volcano self destruct. Bunch of ninjas are swimming away.
Bond and fake wife end up in a raft together and start making out, but M’s sub pops up and grabs him.
Bond will be back in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.
The End.
Wait, fake wife’s name was Kissy? Did they ever say that?
This one was okay, but I feel like Connery was phoning it in a bit. I know at the time this was supposed to be his last film, but jeez. I think it could have been better with someone else in the role. And of course it’s horribly dated. Like if they re-made this today with Craig or someone new it would be pretty awesome, I think.