My two week vacation has officially begun. I’m a little drunk, but here we go with the third Bond film in three years.
I’m already a large glass of Maker’s Mark in, so this should be good.
Maybe I’m on drugs. Bond scubas in with a fake duck on his head as a disguise, then the film went super fast as he threw his gear away. Not sure if bad effects or a bad download. Pretty sure it was bad effects speeding up the film.
My man wears a white tux under his scuba gear. Total playa.
He goes to a bar, an explosion that he set goes off (because they kept barrels of nitro in an office?) and people flee, but a sexy dancing girl gives him a look. Cut to his room and sexy dancing girl is naked in the tub. Bond shows up and they kiss, but there’s a baddie in the room too sneaking up on them. Bond sees him reflected in her eyes, so he turns them causing the baddie to hit the woman instead! She was in on it, but still. After an awkward fight, baddie ends up in the tub but has a gun. Bond flings an electric fan into the tub frying him. He quips, “Shocking, positively shocking” as he leaves the naked girl on the floor. Did they bang previously? Probably. We’ll count it.
Ah, 60’s Goldfinger song. Groovy. GOLD-FINGER, wa waaa wah.
Miami Beach? Not a very exotic locale.
Ewww. So Bond is poolside getting a massage from a woman named Dink. A contact comes over and Bond tells her to say goodbye. She’s like why? He tells her because of “man talk” then slaps her on the ass as she walks away confused. And then both of them stare at her ass after he slapped it. This is fucked up even for the 60’s.
More ewww. So we meet Goldfinger, playing cards poolside against some schmuck. Bond notices something and goes up into the hotel. Hotel staff maid is walking by. He basically accosts her to get her master key and get into Goldfinger’s room. She just lets it happen, then he says “You’re very sweet” and she walks away as if nothing ever happened. I feel like I need to apologize to women everywhere for this film and anything I may have done to them in my life.
He finds a very sexy blonde lady in a bikini laying on her stomach and using binoculars to help Goldfinger cheat. He stops her. She says who are you and he delivers the classic Bond, James Bond.
This is getting creepy. Sorry, creepier. He asks her what her deal is, why she’s doing it. She says he pays her to do this and to be seen with him. He presses and she says just seen, to which he replies ,“I’m so glad.” He forces Goldfinger to lose, then makes his moves on blonde lady, Jill Masterson. What a very strange and ordinary name. She’s instantly in love with him because Connery was a panty dropper back in the day.
Oh, they fucked already. That was fast.
Ugh, the radio was playing and the announcer was reporting, “The president said he was entirely satisfied…” *click* Bond shut it off then said, “That makes two of us.”
A lot of ughs in this one. His American contact calls him. Bond is stalling saying no dinner, let’s do breakfast. Jill sexily whispers, “Not too early.” Bond pushes her face away!
Ha! He’s all anal retentive about his Dom Pérignon being at 38 degrees fahrenheit (did they not use celsius back then?) so he goes into the fridge and some dude karate chops him and knocks him out. Is that Odd Job? How do I know that name? Guess we’ll see.
Oh fuck, Jill is covered in gold! She dead. Guess I should have known with a normal name like that. WTF? She died of skin suffocation? Had to Google that one and it’s 100% bullshit. Too funny!
Oooh, M threatens to replace him with 008.
Damn, Moneypenny is awesome. She throws his hat onto the coat rack, basically saying see bitch? Ain’t that hard, and she’s the one flirting with Bond and asking for a wedding ring and shit. I like her.
Bond is an alcohol expert. I’m thinking he has a problem. Functional alcoholic maybe?
They give him a bar of gold to help bait Goldfinger and say it’s with 5,000 pounds. Is that a lot? Even back then? Doesn’t seem like it. Well, Google says that would be just over 100,000 pounds today, which is $140,000. How did we live before the internet?
Q and more gadgets! ASTON MARTIN DB5!!!!! It has an ejector seat! I remember this from Cannonball Run.
It is Odd Job! Bond and Goldfinger are playing golf and Odd Job is a caddy?
Goldfinger missed a one foot putt…how is that possible?
Odd Job cheats at golf!
Ha! Bond switched Goldfinger’s ball so he loses. So crafty.
Lol, Odd Job’s hat cut off a statues head somehow. Damn, he also crushed a golf ball in his hand.
So Bond was tailing Goldfinger. Pretty lady in a Mustang passes him on the road. Goldfinger stops, Bond stops on a hill above him watching, and above Bond was pretty Mustang lady with a rifle. She’s a terrible shot and missed Bond by a mile.
That Aston Martin is a sexy vehicle.
WTF? So Bond is infiltrating Goldfinger’s base and pretty lady shows up with her rifle. Turns out she was trying to kill Goldfinger earlier but her aim is horrendous! Also she’s Jill’s sister looking for revenge.
Can anyone lend me a million dollars so I can buy that Aston Martin? Please?
OMG, Odd Job threw his hat and knocked out pretty lady, but didn’t cut her head off. That’s a versatile hat.
So far all of Odd Job’s lines have been “Aah aah!”
Ha! Bond got to use the ejector seat…was more impressive in Cannonball Run.
Oh snap! Is this the scene I think it is? Bond is tied to a table with a laser slowly heading towards his crotch. Bond, “Do you expect me to talk?” Goldfinger, “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!” Classic.
He talked/bluffed his way out of it? Kinda lame. The Simpsons did it better.
PUSSY GALORE! Okay, quick side story. In high school I did some creative writing assignment and I did a spy type thing and used Pussy Galore as a character name because I thought it wasn’t really from the movie, because how could it be? I thought a stand up comic made it up or something. I had no idea at the time and somehow my teacher didn’t mark me down for it. I only lost points because I didn’t keep my past/present tense consistent. Don’t ask me why I remember this.
Martini, shaken not stirred, served by sexy Mei Lei on a private jet.
Ha, Pussy says she’s immune to his charm.
Pussy is a real bad ass. Also, I just enjoy typing her name, so sue me.
Damn, she has a sexy pilot brigade.
Goldfinger’s guards are dumb as rocks.
Wow, Bond was spying on their plan and Pussy shows up and takes him out. Total bad ass.
So the plan is to detonate an atomic device in Fort Knox. The Chinese are helping. It puts the US economy in chaos and makes Goldfinger’s gold more valuable.
Pussy changed into something more fuckable and is putting her charms all over Bond.
Connery/Bond has zero problems laying hands on women, but this time Pussy flips his ass on the ground. She’s my new favorite. Yuck, he literally forces himself on her to kiss, and then she’s suddenly into it. Guessing they fucked.
Ha, all these extras in military outfits pretending to be knocked out.
Trying to figure out why they kept Bond alive and brought him along for the Fort Knox caper. Not finding an answer.
Ha, guess they were all faking being knocked out? WTF?
Odd Job is kicking Bond’s ass.
Damn, Bond electrocuted Odd Job.
Bond trying to diffuse the bomb was like a virgin dealing with his first vagina. Lucky for him he was saved by some rando who walked over and just turned it off.
Ha, even the US government knows Bond is an alcoholic. They give him a flight to the White House and provide liquor for three, but he’s the only one on board.
Uh oh, Goldfinger is on the plane!
OMG, he has a gun, they struggle, gun goes off and blows out a tiny window, Goldfinger, who is not a skinny dude, floats and goes through said small window. I literally lol’ed at that one.
Damn, Bond and Pussy were on the plane and it crashed into the ocean and exploded. But of course they somehow escaped and were on an island maybe? When search planes came Pussy signaled for them, but Bond said, “Oh no you don’t, this is no time to be rescued.” So they could fuck some more under a parachute.
Hey, what happened to pretty lady in the Mustang, Jill’s sister? I missed that one. Oh well, guess she wasn’t fuckable enough.
The End.
BUT, Bond will be back in Thunderball!
GOLDFINGER! Wa waaah wah.
This one wasn’t as much fun I think, but big ups to Pussy Galore. Not only does she have the best name, but she was a bad ass in her own right, even if she does give in to Bond’s “charms” a little too easily. I counted three more Bond Bangs. I’m sensing a pattern.
Bond Bangs total score – 9