Need to start with a little rant. When I decided to do this I made a spreadsheet of all the films and the various services that I subscribe to they were available on, but now that the calendar changed to November some are no longer available. I guess it was a temp thing for one month because of the new film? This is the kind of bullshit that leads to piracy. I try to be honest and do the right thing, but you gotta meet me halfway and not do bait and switch bullshit. I was even going to rent the ones that were missing, but fuck these guys. No money for you! Anyway, let’s go to Russia and find some love.
Another year, another James Bond movie. They were ready to milk this franchise from jump, I guess.
No groovy 60’s intro? Must be a cold open.
We find Dolph Lundgren playing hide and seek with Bond in a garden. He kills Bond with a garrote hidden in is watch? Oh but surprise surprise, it was some nobody in disguise, so Bond is fine. And now here’s my groovy opening credits starring sexy lady legs and other body parts.
Now we’re at a chess tournament. This is less interesting without a sexy redhead. #QueensGambit
New main bad guy. They call him Number One, which is a little on the nose. He likes watching tiny fish fight and petting a cat. We never see his face.
Dolph is getting a massage from a sexy blonde lady in a 60’s bikini. Movie you have my attention. Also they’re on SPECTRE Island, lol.
A little old lady hit Dolph in the stomach with brass knuckles. Guess he passed that strenuous test.
Little old lady has coke bottle glasses and is interviewing another sexy blonde lady (Tatiana). Sounds like her mission is to seduce someone and give false info. She’s given a picture of her target. We don’t see it, but based on her reaction we know she’s swooning over Bond. Also, Tatiana thinks she’s working for Russia, not SPECTRE.
Oh hey, it’s the real Bond making out with someone in a canoe that’s on land. Oh, it’s his go fish partner from Dr. No! Hmm, more banging implied before he goes back to the office, do we count it? Nah, no re-runs.
Another hat toss on the coat rack. What a playa. Gotta admit, Connery was a sexy motherfucker back in the day.
What a dog. M tells him about Tatiana and her wanting to defect. They say it’s probably a trap. Bond sees a pic of her and is like I’m free to fall into that trap.
Oooooh, gadgets! Q has a fancy brief case! Mostly just hidden stuff, but also a smoke bomb if you don’t open it correctly.
This time Moneypenny is sexually harassing Bond. Equal rights?
Bond is going to Istanbul (not Constantinople).
Bond drinks coffee medium sweet? WTF?
Dolph looks very uncomfortable in a tiny car, but not as much as the dude beaten and tied up in the back. Kinky. Also back seat dude is dead.
Thrilling action as Bond looks behind every painting in the room searching for listening devices or so the music would imply!
Wowzers. Not sure who this new lady is in bed with chief Istanbul dude, but more please. Oh shit, nevermind they dead, oh not dead, but there was an explosion.
Oh snap, head Istanbul dude has a secret underground waterway to the Russian HQ and a periscope to spy on them. Tatiana shows up and Bond is being all creepy watching her walk around as he can only see her from the waist down. Jesus, Bond is such a pervert.
Meanwhile, my wife just came in the room and posed telling me she’s a sexy Bond girl. Just thought I’d share that.
Bond and Istanbul guy went to visit gypsies. Guess that term wasn’t offensive yet. Uh oh, belly dancer and of course she all dances up in his business!
Ugh, two women are fighting over a dude, literally. Gross, yet sexy of course.
We never find out who wins because the camp is invaded by Russians maybe? Big battle ensues and bond waltzes through taking out anyone he comes across. Weird, Dolph was hiding and sniped some dudes that were going to get bond.
Oh boy, Bond saved the gypsy leader and in return he asked him to stop the “girl fight” so he told Bond he should decide the matter. Cut to Bond in a tent and both women show up and he’s told to “decide, they’re both yours” which he responds “might take some time.” Next morning they’re fawning all over him. Definite three-way happened, count it.
More Ugh, so Bond and Istanbul dude were ambushing the leader who ambushed the gypsies. He escaped through a window in a wall that had a billboard for some Bob Hope and Anita Ekberg film. First they comment on her “lovely mouth”, then his escape window was in the middle of her mouth. They shoot him and Bond quips “She should have kept her mouth shut.” This fucking guy.
Wait, he pre-ordered breakfast and asked for coffee very black? Inconsistencies!
Jesus, Bond is about to take a bath but hears a noise. Someone broke into his room. Wearing only a towel he looks to find Tatiana (call her Tanya) snuck into his bed naked under the covers. WTF kind of spy games is this and where do I sign up? Damn, they kissing already. Oh, they fuckin’.
Aaahhh, the mirror above the bed was two way. Some creepers are behind it filming and smoking a cigarette…gross.
Bond and Tanya blew up the Russian place and stole the secret typewriter or something. I dunno, I was looking at Facebook for a minute. They escaped on a train.
Okay, so they’re on a train for two days in a room together. He shows her a suitcase full of lingerie and she goes apeshit over it. So basically they fuckin’ on the train for two days. Ugh, Istanbul dude saw Tanya in one of her new “outfits” and was super creepy, not even hiding his ogling. She is sexy as fuck, but still…
Uh oh, Dolph is on the train!
Bond smacked her ass…I’ll allow it.
Uh-oh, Istanbul dude had an “accident.” Him and some other guy he was watching are dead. Assuming Dolph got them.
Whoa, now that his friend is dead he’s smacking Tanya around looking for answers. Assuming that wasn’t in the script and Connery improvised. Either way, bad Bond.
Jeez, Bond had to tell Istanbul’s kid his dad is dead, not much sympathy there. Hey your dad’s dead, now pay attention and do all this shit for me!
Zagreb is a place, apparently? Google says it’s the capitol of Croatia. I learned something today.
Ugh again. So he met some other British spy dude at the stop, then the three of them go to the dining car. Waiter comes over and only gives menus to the men. Guess women are too frail to order for themselves.
Uh oh, “British” dude spilled her drink then refilled it and dropped a pill in it. Assuming this is pre-roofie era…aaaand she drank it. Yeah, he roofied her.
Oh James. He knew British dude drugged her so he pulled his gun, then decided to trust him as they look at a map. British dude pulls a gun from his ankle and knocks Bond out. Uh-oh, he’s a SPECTRE dude.
Damn, so British dude was Dolph I guess. Didn’t recognize him because he suddenly looks a lot smaller. He tells Bond everything, as one does, and provides the film of him and Tanya fucking that he plans to plant on them after killing them. Poor Tanya is just pawn in game of life.
Wow, so Bond tricks him with the exploding gadget brief case, then after a long, awkward fight in the train car he chokes him to death with his own garrote watch.
Jesus fuck, Bond! He’s telling Tanya, “Wake up or I’ll leave you behind.” She was drugged, you shit!
They get off the train, he leaves her in the ditch to do more heroics, then goes to get her and says, “Come on or I’ll leave you here.” Let me remind you, the woman is still drugged.
Very strange sequence as they escape in a flower truck and a helicopter chases them dropping grenades. They stop and Bond runs around as the helicopter buzzes him. Eventually he stops and gets out his rifle and the copter goes to drop a grenade on him, but he shoots him first, dude drops the grenade in the copter and it blows up.
So main, faceless bad guy with a cat, (Number 1), has the chess guy killed because his plan failed. Little old lady lives to fight another day, but she was sweating.
Bond and Tanya were escaping by boat. They had these huge drums of fuel on it. Doesn’t seem safe but whatevs. Suddenly more boats appear and chase them. They shoot the drums of fuel. Bond ditches the drums and pretends to give up, then shoots the drums with a flare gun, causing big explosions and fire that catches all the bad guys boats. “In England they have an expression, where there’s smoke there’s fire”. Okay, Bond, you do you.
Damn. Bond and Tanya are in a hotel room thinking they got away. Little old SPECTRE lady shows up dressed as a maid to steal the secret typewriter and orders Tanya to help her, which she does! But then as little old SPECTRE lady is about to shoot Bond, Tanya pops back in and betrays her. Old lady struggles with Bond, then Tanya shoots her dead.
Okay, so little old lady tried to kill Bond with a poison knife in her shoe. Tanya calls her a “horrible woman” to which Bond replies, “Yes, she’s had her kicks.” Ugh, kill me.
They sail off in Venice (or a stationary boat in front of a movie screen playing scenes from Venice) and Bond still has the film of them fuckin, But he’s a gentleman and throws it into the water as they make out and waves goodbye to it?
The End.
OMG, in the credits it has Ernst Blofeld being played as ? That’s it, a question mark. That is legendary!
And Bond will be back in Goldinger.
Maybe this is the four glasses of wine talking, but I really enjoyed this one. I’m not becoming a James Bond fan, am I? Still lacking on the action and heavy on the misogyny, but very enjoyable nonetheless. By my count we have three more Bond bangs to add to our tally. Also, I’m digging Tanya more than Honey, even though she didn’t have a fun, cringy name.
Bond Bang total score – 6