I’m pretty burned out at work so will be taking two weeks vacation soon. Decided I’m going to spend some of that time watching as many James Bond movies as I can and writing up some thoughts on each one. Over the years I probably saw one or two of the Moore’s on cable. Maybe two more of the Brosnan’s, and probably half of the Craig’s. Vacation isn’t until next week, but got a head start last night with the OG Dr. No.
Any doubt to what decade this movie was created in evaporates with the opening sequence. Very 60’s.
We open in Jamaica with some old, British white dudes playing cards in a country club. Already worried where this is heading.
Ah but no worry, as three local blind dudes, who aren’t really blind, murders one of the old dudes. Then later they murder his sexy secretary, apparently they were spies! They steal a file labeled “Doctor No.”
Damn, first time we meet Bond he delivers the infamous “Bond…James Bond” line. Connery drops it like it’s hot! They’re playing what I assumed was baccarat, but the internet tells me it’s Chemin-de-fer (also known as Chemmy). Might as well be Go Fish for all the skill it takes. They get two cards, flip them, and somehow Bond always wins? I dunno but the pretty lady he’s playing against is eye fucking him the entire time.
Bond gets a phone call and heads to the office where he shows how cool he is by throwing his hat onto a coat rack and sexually harassing the secretary (Moneypenny, god I love these names), but it’s the 60’s so it’s okay, plus she seems to be into it.
In with his boss (M) who tells Bond his Beretta is a girl’s gun (which is a bad thing?) and casually mentions how he has a license to kill, as one does. He upgrades him to an older version of Megatron.
Back home he finds the pretty lady from Go Fish broke into his place and is putting golf balls wearing nothing but one of his dress shirts. If I had a nickel for every time that happened to me. He has to catch a flight, but makes time to get it on with her.
Landing in Jamaica a driver meets him, but he knows right away he’s a bad guy, but gets in the car anyway. After a brief fight bad guys wants a cigarette, which Bond allows because he’s either a gentleman or stupid, but the cigarette has cyanide in it! No information for you!
Here’s his first martini shaken, not stirred! Though it was the waiter who said it, and he actually said, “mixed like you said, not stirred,” but we’ll take it.
Someone gets the drop on Bond, it’s Rex Granitechin, American spy! USA! (There’s also a ton of Red Stripe boxes in this scene, the only beer available in Jamaica.)
Uh-oh, they mentioned a Chinese guy named Dr. No. Guessing he’s important since the movie is named after him.
Every woman who sees Bond gives him a serious eye fucking and of course every woman in the movie is beautiful, and white I might add. Are we still in Jamaica?
A geologist was one of the old dead guy’s card buddies. Bond visited him and got some shady answers. Geologist actually works for Dr. No, who is just a booming voice for now. He gives him a big ass spider to take out Bond.
Bond’s shoe 1, big ass spider 0.
I love old movies when car chases were a car sitting in front of a movie screen.
Damn, sexy lady sets him up, but he knows it. Escapes the trap and goes to her place, bangs her (twice maybe?) then sends her away with the authorities. Nice priorities.
Honey Rider? Are you fucking serious? Assuming this is the first Bond girl. Yet another gorgeous woman who drops into his lap. He’s on some secluded, secret island yet she’s chilling on the beach looking for sea shells like she’s at the Jersey shore.
I’m thinking an all baby blue outfit isn’t good camouflage, but Bond makes it work.
Their local guide who’s dressed like Gilligan gets murdered by a tank.
Bond and Honey both got radiated, which was an excuse to get them both naked I think. Take off your clothes, attractive people, because of radiation!
Oh Bond you amateur, fell for the sleeping drugs in the coffee gag.
Dr. No? More like Dr. No-Hands, amirite?
Even Dr. No knows his drink and is the first to actually say “shaken not stirred.” Also isn’t he supposed to be Asian? Ah he says he’s half German, half Chinese. Fair enough I guess.
That SPECTRE acronym…lol.
Bond gets the absolute shit kicked out of him and thrown into a cell that appears to be built just for the purpose of allowing prisoners to escape, which he does.
After sabotaging their device that does something to missile launches? Gotta be honest, I got lost on the evil plot here. Anyway he scuffles with Dr. No and makes him fall into a pool of radiation. Not having hands was his downfall as he couldn’t grip a ladder.
With the base about to blow, Bond goes searching for Honey and finds her shackled to a floor with water slowly rising. There had to be a more efficient and less kinky ways to kill her, but who am I to argue?
The island blows and and they escape by boat. They run out of gas so what will they do? Apparently the only options are to swim or make-out, guess which they choose?
Chad Rockjaw, American spy, appears and saves them. As they tow their boat away Bond and Honey want to keep making out so they drop the rope so they can drift at sea, have sex, and die I guess?
The End.
Overall this was a fun film. I can see why Boomer dads would love this. Disappointed there were no gadgets, but know they’re coming eventually. And of course his Aston Martin was missing as well. Connery is great for striking the balance of cocky, arrogant ass and suave, charming motherfucker. Thought it would be fun to track the number of ladies it’s implied Bond has sex with. (Not the number of times. I can only assume his stamina and recharge time is legendary). By my count we had three Bond Bangs this time around.
Bond Bang total score – 3