Wow, now the theme is very orchestratic. Is that a word? Guess it is now.
Gah! Saruman has three nipples!
Da plane! Da plane!
Generic mobster guy (this actor always plays generic mobster guy) shows up to kill Count Doku in a fun house? Tattoo is orchestrating it? What is happening?
Dracula shot mob guy in the head with a, you guessed it, golden gun.
Lol, Tattoo’s name is Nick Nack! Get it? Because he’s so small.
Yikes this opening is bad. Who the fuck is Lulu?
Moore needs a hat he can toss onto coat racks.
Saruman is an assassin and sent a gold bullet to Bond saying he’s next. So Bond is forced to take a sabbatical. He gonna find Doku first!
Still love Moneypenny. Fun fact, she’s the same age as Moore.
Is this one a comedy? So golden gun killed 002 in Beirut back in ’69 (nice) but it’s unconfirmed since no one found the bullet. Bond goes there and finds the dancing girl who was with him when he was shot. Apparently the bullet went through him and into the wall, so she took it and turned it into a belly button charm for good luck? Bond puts the moves on her to get it and is kissing her stomach and goes to grab it with his mouth, but that’s when goons bust in and he accidentally swallows it. They have a big slap fight and he leaves.
He poops out the bullet and gives it to Q. They send him to Macau to find the dude who made the bullet.
New woman named Goodnight. Ugh. Assuming she’ll be dead soon based on the previous films.
Oooooh, a surprise! Hehehehe….
Bond was following a woman who picked up the gold bullet shipment. Tracks her to a hotel and sneaks in to find her in the shower. So naturally he casually waits in the bathroom for her to come out. Ha she showers with a gun! Jeez, he’s twisting her arm pretty damn far. That actress can’t be enjoying that. Aaaaand he slapped her.
Strip club called Bottoms Up. Also, the only strip club with no nudity.
Uh oh, golden sniper missed…or did he? Looks like it was a setup to kidnap Bond?
Does he use that gun as a sex toy? Creepy scene with shower girl (Andrea).
Ah, it was the good guys spies that kidnapped him.
Ha, they’re talking about solar energy and how it would solve the energy crisis. They’re adorable.
So they go to some dude’s stronghold. Bond just waltzes in and finds a pretty naked girl going for a swim and she is like hi strange man, please join me. He’s found by someone not wanting to bang him but Bond has a fake third nipple, so he’s posing as gold gun dude, except he isn’t fooling anyone.
Boo, Bond says dude found him quite titillating as he throws the fake nipple away.
Sumo wrestlers fighting Bond. Lol, one had him in a bear hug so he gave him a wedgie to get out of it. This is a comedy. Nick Nack hit him in the head with a trident. He should meet up with Brick.
Could have killed him, but instead they send him to “school.”
Messed up. Bond kicked the guy while he bowed to him. No honor.
These fight scenes…I’m not convinced Roger Moore could beat up my grandmother, and she’s been dead for over twenty years.
Nice. Bond has a Hong Kong contact and he has two nieces with him. As Bond was escaping the school they show up to help. Goons come out and Bond is like, stand back girls, They push him aside and kick all kinds of ass. At least someone in this movie can fight.
Messed up. Bond is in a boat and some kid gets in trying to sell him a trinket. He’s haggling, going from 40 to 20, and Bond is like, kid I’ll give you 20,000 if you can make this thing go faster. Kid turns a knob and boom. Bond throws him overboard and says I’ll have to owe you. That kid ain’t seeing that money, assuming he doesn’t drown.
WTF? The racist cop from the last movie is there on vacation? Did someone actually want to see him ever again? Jesus the 70’s were a dangerous place. How did we survive? *looks around* Oh, right. Okay, now I know this is unrealistic. They get off the boat and the wife is like, oh I want one of these elephants trinkets. Racist cop spits and says elephants? We’re democrats! What in the actual fuck? Then he says something racist to the locals. He’s calling them pointy heads? Why are they showing so much of this cop?!?!?! He insulted a baby elephant and it shoved him into the water. Please, no more. I surrender movie. Here, take my money, I give up.
Looks like Bond and Goodnight are about to have a good night. See what this movie has done to me? Oops, interrupted by Andrea. So she sent the bullet to get Bond’s help to free her from golden gun. She offers him stuff to help her, including offering herself. Also this is all happening while Goodnight is hiding under the covers in bed. Then he shoves her in the closet while Andrea goes to change. Wow, are they gonna bang with her in the closet? What a scumbag!
Poor Goodnight fell asleep standing up in the closet. He left her in there for two hours! Well, she went there to get fucked, looks like she did.
Bond went to meet Andrea at a fight. Oh, she’s dead. I guessed the wrong woman. Doku shows up with Nick Nack.
Remember when you could call someone a midget? This movie remembers.
Uh oh, Goodnight went to put a tracker in Nick Nack’s car trunk but Saruman tossed her in.
Oh c’mon! For some reason there’s an AMC dealership there and the racist cop is in a car wanting a demo. Aren’t we still in Asia? What is happening? Bond hops in the car and drives it through the window to chase after Goodnight. Who needs an Aston Martin when you can drive an AMC Hornet? You’re starting to lose me movie…
That car looks like it handles as well as a tugboat.
Ha, Doku is in a white suit next to Nick Nack, looks so much like Mr. Rourke. Funny, this predates Fantasy Island by several years
Okay, you officially lost me. They just did a stupid flipping jump over a broken bridge and a slide whistle played during the jump. A…slide…whistle! Up until this point I was enjoying the film well enough. It was a little silly, but doing okay. Like many things in life, it was ruined by a racist cop. Forty more minutes. Suck it up, Jason, you got this!
Fat, racist, red neck cop is bad at stealth? Who could have guessed?
The bad guys attached wings and a jet to the car. It drove off and then flew away. Wow. Oh shit, Goodnight is still in the trunk and she just popped it open. Surprise you’re in the air!
What a terrible jacket for Bond. Is he selling AMC cars now?
Is he using solar power for a frickin’ laser? An invisible laser? I dunno, whatever.
There’s Goodnight. In a bikini, which I believe is a legal requirement in these movies.
Bond and Doku having an old school duel.
As they step away they keep cutting to Goodnight and some goon staring at her body and eye fucking the shit out of her. He’s a super creep. Uh oh, now he’s making his move on her.
After twenty paces Bond turns and golden gun is gone. What a cheat! Hmm, is Nick Nack helping or is it a tarp? Yup.
He’s in the funhouse of doom and dropped his gun. Oops. Ha, in the opening they showed us a wax statue of Bond. So real Bond posed as it and shot Doku. Yes! Goodnight knocked out the creeper goon and he fell into acid? No some pool of water and it says it must be kept at absolute zero? But it’s liquid? And in open air at room temp? Not sure the science is adding up here. I’m guessing the writers thought absolute zero is like zero Fahrenheit. Fun fact, it’s −459.67 °F.
Ha, while Bond is trying to get the MacGuffin, Goodnight’s sexy ass hit a button and turned on the laser. My god, she is useless! Isn’t she supposed to be an agent or something? Ha, she was hitting random buttons but a cloud covered the sun, so now there’s tension. We’re literally watching clouds move. Excitement!
They’re escaping on an old pirate ship as the island blows up. Ahoy!
The ship has auto pilot and they have eight hours to kill, so they fucked. Ah! Nick Nack is watching them like ceiling cat! WTF? He put a knife in his mouth but with the blade vertical so it would cut the shit out of his lips when he held onto it. Do they never yell cut on these movies?
Bond vs Nick Nack. This is embarrassing. Oh no…he isn’t…yup, he put him in a suitcase.
Somehow M called them on the boat. He wanted to speak to Goodnight, so Bond tells him, “She’s just coming, sir.” As they continue to make-out, M keeps saying Goodnight, so Bond says, “Goodnight sir,” and hangs up. Cut to the sails and somehow Nick Nack to tied up way at the top where he’s gonna die from exposure, and we get another wacky song saying goodnight goodnight.
The end.
Ha, that bridge jump is in the credits as AMC Astro Spiral Jump. How much did AMC pay to be in this?
Bond will return in The Spy Who Loved Me.
I’m not going to look it up and ruin the surprise, but I really hope that racist cop doesn’t come back again. Unless it’s in Moonraker, in which case shoot him into spaaaaaace! This one was just too wacky and once again the redneck cop and AMC stuff took me out of it. Up until the I was enjoying it well enough. At least they cut down on the amount of sexual misconducts that Connery had.