Now we move on to Roger Moore. This is the first film to come out when I was alive and all through my childhood Moore was 007, so he’s the guy I always thought of as James Bond. Plus he had a very fun role in The Cannonball Run, leaning into being Bond. Doesn’t mean he’s my favorite, just the first one I think of. So last film I thought Connery was looking too old for the role, so naturally they replace him with a guy three years older. And of course the women stay the same age, if not younger. Remind me of the creep McConaughey played in Dazed and Confused (such a disturbing film that I don’t understand the love for.)
Anywho, the Bond theme sounds more jazzy.
Exterior shot of the UN in New York shot with shaky cam.
Bunch of bored UN dudes. Someone in the control booth swaps the translation audio for the UK guy and zaps his ears, killing him somehow?
Cut to New Orleans. There’s a sad funeral procession in the street. Some random white dude asks who’s funeral? Someone says his and stabs him. They put him in the casket and suddenly it’s Mardi Gras. They must have hated him.
Now we’re in the Caribbean. White guy tied to a stake, bunch of locals dancing like crazy and some shaman dude with a big snake. Snake bites white dude and kills him. There’s gonna be voodoo stuff I’m guessing. Is this movie going to be unintentionally very racist?
Best…Bond song…ever. I will not debate this.
Introducing Jane Seymour!
Our first look at Moore and he’s already in bed with a woman laying on him. She’s begging for more and he’s like gotta get the door. It’s M. Oh, dead dudes were all agents. Ha, he’s trying to hide the woman from M. Turns out she’s an operative from his last mission that no one can find for some reason. Moneypenny comes in and finds her sneaking into a closet. Moneypenny helps keep her hidden from M. She is a complex lady.
Bond goes to New York and is picked up by a CIA guy. As they drive another car rolls up next to them and shoots the driver. They trace the car to a voodoo shop? This can’t be good.
Lol, they called Bond a honky.
Ugh, Mr. Big? What a lazy name. Henchman has a claw hand and he bent Bond’s gun. Almost didn’t recognize that was Jane Seymour, she’s so young! Twenty-two when this was released. She’s playing a tarot card person named Solitaire. Bond flips a card that’s supposed to be him and it’s The Fool. Then of course before the goons take him away he picks another. It’s The Lovers for him and Solitaire because of course.
OMG, it’s the 7UP guy! Is he playing Two-Face?
Bond goes to the Caribbean and finds out his room was switched by “Mrs. Bond.” In his room he finds women’s clothes in the closet which he sniffs like a creep. Someone slips a snake into his bathroom. Yuck, he uses his spray can and cigar to blow torch the snake.
So Mrs. Bond is another CIA agent, Rosie, and she’s pretty terrible. Both as an actress and an agent it seems.
They get on a boat and of course she’s in a bikini, and did Bond just grab her ass?
Jesus she is bad. Oh, and now she’s dead. Of course Bond banged her first and knew she was a double agent.
Smoking a cigar while hang-gliding, as one does.
Bond using tarot cards to get in Solitaire’s pants. Side note he’s old enough to be her father. That fucker, stacked the deck so they were all The Lovers cards. Ugh, he took her virginity! She’s looks so distraught in bed after, this is terrible. And she thinks she lost her magic powers as well because of it. But then wants to do it again. Guess she got over it real quick. Bond must have a magic dick.
Is that police car an old Chevy Nova? We had one of those when I was growing up.
Oh, that’s why Mr. Big looked so goofy, like a late day Michael Jackson. It was a bad mask.
Ha, bad guy said he and the phone company would be the only monopolies in the country for years to come. Who wants to tell him? Also his monopoly will be in heroin.
They tried to feed Bond to crocs and gators but he escaped by running on their backs. Now it’s a speed boat chase!
Oh boy, red neck racist cop. Jesus this is bad and sadly probably extremely accurate. Ha, a boat smashed into his cop car. I guess he’s supposed to be comic relief? And how on earth does a local sheriff have jurisdiction over state troopers? And of course he has a brother-in-law named Billy Bob. And every time they call a black man “boy” I cringe. This is not the level of racism I was expecting.
A bunch of stuff happened and Bond wins. I pretty much tuned out.
The End.
Bond will return in The Man With the Golden Gun.
Can’t say I really liked this one. It does not hold up well. Maybe it played better in the early 70’s but man, once that racist cop showed up it really took me out of it. Plus that Rosie was such a bad actress. There’s a new trend where they introduce an attractive, but terrible, actress and then kill her almost immediately. According to Rotten Tomatoes, the next one should be a real stinker, but I guess we’ll see.