Connery is back! Was curious what happened and the internet told me he was done with Bond and wasn’t even speaking with the director on the last film, but the studio wanted him back so gave him big money (record deal at the time) and two back to back movies of his choice. So my expectations on his performance are pretty low.
And the theme sounds like the original again.
We open I guess in Japan as Bond throws a dude through tissue paper walls looking for Blofeld. He sends him to Cairo who sends him to a bikini woman named Marie. Holy fuck! She’s like can I help you? He walks over, embraces her and is like yeah I’d like you to get something off your chest, then rips off her bikini top and starts choking her wanting the location of Blofeld. These scenes remind me of Deadpool where he asks, “Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist not to hit you?”
New Blofeld and he has hair? Meh.
Wow, so a lot to unpack here, especially for a cold open. Bond tracks him down. Some goon is in a tub of goo. He was going to have plastic surgery to look like Blofeld. Bond drowns him in more goo. Blofeld and two more goons show up, they go to take Bond’s gun from inside his jacket but he had a mousetrap thing in there. He beats them up and kills one by throwing surgeon knives at him. Then he straps Blofeld to a table and sends him into another pit of boiling goo and he presumably dies as bond says, “Welcome to hell, Blofeld.” So yeah, that was a lot. Where the hell do they go from here?
They even brought back Shirley Bassey.
Bond was on holiday to hunt down Blofeld. Weird idea of a vacation.
Wow, what are these two mutant nerds? They meet up with a dentist who is stealing diamonds from a mine he works at in South Africa to sell to these dorks. They double cross him by putting a scorpion down the back of his shirt. Then they meet up with someone on a helicopter that was supposed to meet the dentist. They give him a box and it blows up the copter in the air. They have a lot of bad lines then walk off in the desert holding hands. This is creepy weird.
Bond is in Amsterdam. Moneypenny still fishing for that engagement ring from him. Poor gal.
Yikes, a boat tour is happening and on their left is a body begin dragged out of the canal, murdered by our bad quipping creepy duo.
Wowzers! Bond is posing as Peter Franks and goes to meet, surprise, a sexy lady (Tiffany Case, lol). When he walks in she’s leaving the room and has blonde hair. She walks back in wearing only underwear and is a brunette, which Bond somehow notices even though he’s staring at her chest the entire time. She asks which he prefers and he says, “Well providing the collars and cuffs match…” Classy.
Oh she clever. Offered him a drink just to get his fingerprints off the glass. The prints matched? Magic. Funny how she has a copy of the guy’s fingerprint but not his face. And now she’s a redhead.
Ah, Q gave him a fake fingerprint. More clever.
The real Franks showed up, big fight in the elevator with Bond and now Franks is dead. Bond slipped his ID on the body, so now Tiffany thinks he killed Bond and is freaking out. This is the first time he’s truly been undercover and doing good spy stuff. I’m impressed and so far he did it without banging anyone!
Fuck these guys are creepy.
Mortician named Morton Slumber? C’mon.
Creepy boys knocked out Bond and put him in a casket to be cremated.
God these guys suck. Their lines are so cringey bad. I hope they aren’t implying they’re gay, because it’s a really bad look. Like they’re saying they’re so creepy they’re even HOMOSEXUALS!
Wait what? He’s about to be burned up then magically the casket is pulled out and he’s fine. That was a a bad misdirect. Too many double crosses at play here.
Bonds is playing craps and oh fuck you movie. Super busty gold digging lady walks over to him and says she’s Plenty. Bonds says, “But of course you are.” Her full name is Plenty O’Toole. GTFO. Huh, she’s Natalie Wood’s sister and apparently a bad actress. And there goes her dress, but no bra. Oops, they aren’t alone. Damn, they threw her out the window and into the pool. Of course they say they didn’t know there was a pool down there and leave. Tiffany is in the bed and wanted Bond all for herself. Bond doesn’t care who it is, as long as he gets his dick wet.
Tiffany is playing blackjack and the dealer gives her a card that says to go play the water balloons. It’s one of those kid’s games where you shoot a water gun into a clown’s mouth and the first one to pop the balloon wins. She’s playing but not really trying and wins anyway because it’s part of the setup. Little nerdy kid with glasses next to her loses his shit because it was obviously fixed. She tells the kid, “Blow up your pants.” Also I am acutely aware that I would be that little kid back in the day.
Nice. They have an exhibit/show for kids that is designed to scare the shit out of them and cause a stampede. Ah, the dangerous carefree 70’s.
Damn, Plenty is dead already? That was quick. Also messed up coincidence her character drowns considering that’s how her sister died as well.
Whelp, Bond slapped Tiffany. Welcome to the club.
This is quickly going off the rails. Bond snuck into some lab place following the diamonds. He stumbles onto a moon landing set, steals a rover and is being chased in the desert first by guards in a car not equipped for sand, then by goons on trikes. I was enjoying this one but now it’s getting silly.
Cops pulls them over, walks up to the car, Bond slams it into reverse and the cop stares like he didn’t know cars could do that.
Filming a car chase in Vegas can’t be cheap or easy, even back then. Also that’s a sweet Mustang they’re driving.
Down a dead end alley, but there’s a narrow walkway at the end. Bond hits a side ramp and goes on two wheels fitting through the walkway. Cop tries it and flips. This is just goofy.
Okay, that was pretty slick. He rode on top of an elevator then used a little grappling gadget to climb up on the roof, all in his tux.
Oh fuck, it’s the new lame Blofeld. Oh wait, two of them? Bah, it was a double he killed.
That was the take they went with? He shoots one of the Blofelds in the head with the grapple gun I think and he has a crazy delayed reaction before falling backwards. Yell cut or edit that tighter. So weird.
Of course it was the other double he killed and he used one of the cats as a distraction, so his response was, “Wrong pussy.”
Blofeld sends him away in an elevator (just shoot him dummy!) He’s gassed and when it opens the creepy twins are there waiting.
Bambi and Thumper? Ha, she tells him they’re going to have a ball then knees him in the nuts. Some crazy gymkata shit going on here. They kicking Bond’s ass. He’s definitively looking too old for this shit.
Q is scamming the slot machines.
Blofeld is an even uglier woman.
Blofeld launched a satellite that uses the diamonds for a big frickin laser, now it’s blowing shit up. They’re targeting nukes around the world, but doesn’t seem to be any fallout from that. Convenient.
So is SPECTRE just not allowed to shoot Bond? Did he call no shootsies or something?
Blofeld had kidnapped/turned Tiffany, so she’s lounging around in a bikini and looking damn good. Of course she’s still on Bond’s side.
Blofeld throwing shade at the state of Kansas.
Why would you let Bond anywhere near your controls? He switched the control tape or something. Ha, he put the real tape in Tiffany’s suit bottom and she went and switched it back thinking she did good. Bond called her a “stupid twit.” That doesn’t seem nice.
Ugh, so again instead of shooting him they throw him in the “brig” which is just a supply closet with a hole in the floor he can escape through. Blofeld is a fucking moron.
Blofeld tries to escape in a sub lowered by crane. Bond takes control of the crane and is fucking with him.
Lol, he tells Tiffany to pick up a gun and shoot the bad guys. It’s a machine gun. She shoots, it recoils up into the air and forces her backward where she falls into the water. Did I mention they’re on an oil rig in the ocean? Because they are.
The rig blows up so Blofeld is presumably dead again. Now Bond and Tiffany are taking a cruise to celebrate. Ugh, the creepy twins are on board. Forgot about those twerps. They’re posing as room service waiters. They have a bomb hidden in a cake.
Yikes, creepy twin one grab a couple kabobs and sets them on fire. Bond breaks a bottle of booze and splashes him, now the creeper is on fire. Bad plan. He jumped overboard.
I can’t even describe what he did to the other one, but he fell off the boat and went boom.
The end.
Holy shit! One of the creeps is Crispin Glovr’s dad! That makes total sense.
Bond will return in Live and Let Die.
Once again, feel like they can cut twenty minutes off this thing and improve it. Connery is too old for this gig, so probably good this is his last one (sort of). Another bad Blofeld. And why give him hair? None of this makes sense. Overall it was enjoyable and Connery didn’t appear to fully phone it in like I assumed he would after getting paid. Bring on that Roger Moore chap!