Can’t believe it’s been just over a year since my last Bond entry. Never enough time in the day and For Your Eyes Only was so damn boring to me it really killed my desire to continue. But I’m trying to take more time for myself with fun things and since many of the Bond movies popped up on HBOMax this month, seemed a good time to try and pick it up again. And with a title like Octopussy what could go wrong?
Is that Bond driving up with a horse trailer? Is he retired now?
I guess we’re in Cuba? A tall, Castro looking guy walks up and stares directly into a woman’s chest. She’s wearing a super low, cut dress. Also he’s smoking a huge cigar in public, so we know he’s an asshole.
Bond had a sweater dickie! Reversible jacket and hat turned into a military uniform. Also Castro is continually staring at this woman’s chest. So subtle. Ogled lady is working with Bond, brings him a fake ID with the name Luis Toro, to which he says, “Toro? Sounds like a load of bull.” We’re off to a great start here.
Love how a fifty-five year old, white, British dude totally passes for a Cuban guy named Luis.
Bond judo chops a dude in the neck, plants a bomb from his briefcase, but it’s a trap! The REAL Luis Toro shows up and they look so damn similar! It’s kind of eerie. Okay, you got me movie, it was a good disguise…or not since he got caught.
Love it. Bond is taken away in a truck, ogled lady follows in the horse trailer and makes googly eyes at the two guards. Bond keeps making googly eyes at them too basically saying, hey check her out. She’s pulls up her dress showing leg and I think we see underwear too. While distracted, Bond deploys the guards parachutes (standard wear when riding in the back of a truck?) and they float away while he jumps into her car. He shoots up the truck and they get away.
There wasn’t a horse in the trailer, but a mini-jet! He flies off and the Cubans send a SAM after him. He dipsy doodles and flies through the hanger he tried to blow up early and the missile follows him and blows up the hangar for him. But now he’s out of fuel! No worries, mini-jets run on unleaded I guess because he lands at a local gas station to fill up. Cut to Intro.
As the kids say, this song is booty cheeks. Rita Coolidge, whoever that is. The intro isn’t a complete loss, a bunch of naked women everywhere. Think we even saw nipple, which is pretty progressive?
Cut to a very long establishing shot of East Berlin and then a clown is escaping from a circus. Literally. Some dude with a knife is chasing him through the woods. I thought knife dude teleported, but he has a twin. What a twist! Also, why is the clown pulling a couple balloons along? Cut them off dude! Also also, clown attire does not make good forest camouflage. Clown had some moves to escape, but a thrown knife in the back and he dies, floating away down a river. Except he’s not dead yet, he stumbles into the British embassy and then dies, after crashing through a door and dropping a Faberge egg.
Moneypenny! But first Bond creeps on her new assistant, Penelope Smallbone? I don’t even know what that means, but she’s a younger replacement I guess since Moneypenny is getting a little older. Boo!
The egg was fake and the clown was 009. Bond gets to replace him and find the seller of the real egg or something?
This is a very boring Legion of Doom. Basically a bunch of “commies” and NATO is their version of the Super Friends. One general thinks they can march through Europe and take it over in five days. Other guys are like, nah bro, they’d nuke us. Seeing how Russia bungled it’s way with Ukraine, I wonder if forty years ago this would be possible.
At the egg auction, Bond spots a pretty lady and he drives up the price of the egg for her and the dude with her. Somehow he switched the real egg with a fake. Then he’s off to India, which we know because of another super long establishing shot of the Taj Majal. A snake charmer plays the Bond theme to contact him. Some nice fourth wall breaking here.
He’s shown to his hotel room by a pretty local woman who eye fucks him and is like do you need anything, but he’s in business mode so no playtime yet.
They play backgammon in a casino and dude cheats with loaded dice? What kind of nonsense is this? Cheating dude makes the other guy quit, but Bond takes over and flashes his egg as collateral. He needs a double six to win, so uses the cheating dude’s dice and gets it. Still wrapping my mind around backgammon for high stakes gambling. We’re also introduced to the henchman, some giant Indian dude who picks up the trick dice and crushes them into dust in his fist.
Next is a lame chase through the busy streets of India in these tiny golf carts. There’s several tennis gags which is a callback from an earlier conversation that wasn’t worth mentioning. A short fight scene covering a bunch of Indian stereotypes: walking over hot coals, lying on a bed of nails, sword swallowing. It’s all very silly and not fun.
Q and Bond in another round of hate you/want to bang you banter. Ugh, Bond starts playing with a video camera like I do when I’m drunk: close-ups on cleavage. Glad I quit drinking.
This Bond girl reminds me of a Talosian from Star Trek. I’ve heard of butterface, but a butterhead?
Oh, they did the sex. Did we even get her name yet? Did she really just say the tattoo is her little octopussy? With a straight face? Hope she won an Oscar for that line alone. Ha, she only banged him to steal the egg, but jokes on her it has a tracking device, but bigger joke’s on Bond as the henchman showed up and knocked him out.
This is the sexiest crew team I’ve ever seen. Row, row, row my boat! (Sorry.)
Hmm, the big bad is a mystery woman. No face shown yet.
Bond is captured and we find out the Talosian is Miss Magda. Well I found out, maybe I missed it earlier?
Ewww. Stuffed sheep’s head for dinner. This is gross and the bad guy dude ate an eyeball.
Ha, Bond tries to bang the the Talosian chick again but henchman cock blocks him.
Q’s fancy listening device thwarted by a hair dryer being used hundreds of feet away.
Trying to escape through a jungle, comes across a tiger, tells it to sit, it obeys. Okay then.
Next a Tarzan swing complete with the yell very obviously taken from one of the old movies. They’re not even trying now.
He stumbles upon a tour boat and hops aboard, escaping all the dudes hunting him.
The balls on this guy. He’s told of the big bad’s island and how only women are allowed, and he says that’s sexual discrimination! Look in the mirror there, buddy.
He sneaks into hottie island in a fake crocodile sub/boat thingy.
So the big bad is Octopussy, not the Talosian woman. She just has the tattoo? Also some of the women on this island are wearing Greatest American Hero costumes.
Did the backgammon cheater just call her Pussy for short? Yikes.
Wait, her father gave her the “pet name” Octopussy? Is she from the deep south or Alderaan? WTF?
A giant razor blade yo-yo does not seem like an effective weapon.
OMG! Octopussy’s Circus! Color me intrigued.
Looks like Bond is getting some of that Octopussy. (Apologies in advance, but you know I’m gonna run this joke into the ground)
So the killer yo-yo guy can only get you if he stands way above you? Standing face to face, is he useless? Yeah pretty much. If he’s on a balcony, look out! Otherwise he’s nothing.
Bond death fake out! The croc boat hid him.
To the circus and a horrifying clown (redundant). Oh right! The knife twins.
So Octopussy is working with the Russian general to steal jewels, but he’s actually smuggling a nuke to go boom? What’s going on here? I’ll be honest, I may have checked out a little. Meanwhile Bond is hiding under trains to see everything.
Okay, so the general switched the jewels for the bomb and is double crossing Octopussy. Bond bumbled his way through beating one of the knife twins.
So his whole plan is have the bomb roll into a US air force base and go off, look like an accident, NATO says no more nukes, which then allows Russia to march across Europe. Do I have that right?
He steals a car, makes a daring escape, all the tires are blown out, but the car is the perfect size for the rims to fit on a railroad track and he catches up to the train and jumps aboard.
The general got gunned down by his own people. Dude went rogue and paid the price.
Lost track of who is on which side. Would assume everyone on the train is pro-jewels, anti-bomb, but one of the knife twins is there while the other one switched out the jewels. Bond fell off the train with the other twin and killed him.
Wait, when did the bomb get into a parade? I need to pay closer attention.
Bond is hitchhiking, bunch of teenagers slow down and wave him up, he runs towards them and they take off. Teenagers suck.
Ha, he tries to use a phone but a woman cuts him off and won’t leave, so he steals her car.
Okay, backgammon and henchman are in on it, so they make a quick exit while the circus is going on at the air force base. The bomb is under the big top while the show goes on. This is a bit convoluted.
Air force generals need to get out more often. Way too excited about circus acrobats. He gives a standing ovation while literally everyone around him is just sitting there.
Oh no, Bond smashed into the base and the guards are after him. Wait, is he going to be disguised as a clown? Please say yes.
YES! Clown Bond is here!
The place literally and figuratively became a circus. No one believed him until Octopussy stole a gun and opened the container holding the bomb. Bond defused it with one second left, of course.
Uh oh, backgammon guy is about to learn not to double cross sexy circus folk.
Things start going south, but Bond and Q show up in a hot air balloon, bickering like an old married couple the entire time.
Bond slides down a bannister like a kid, mowing down goons with a machine gun. There’s an ornamental thing at the bottom that would be a ballbuster, but he shoots that away as well.
Thinking Sony and Seiko are sponsors of this movie.
Damn, Q saved some hotties with the balloon, so he’s totally getting laid tonight.
Backgammon is trying to escape on a plane with Octopussy as hostage. Bond catches up on horse and climbs on the plane. They take off and he starts pulling wires to disable it. Henchman climbs out to fight him, but falls to his death (but pretty obvious the actor had a parachute). The plane tries to land, Bond and Octopussy jump out, plane goes over a cliff and crashes. Guess he won’t be cheating at backgammon anymore.
Russians deny everything, of course. Cut to an injured Bond on the sex rowboat with Octopussy “tending” to him. Ha, he’s faking his injuries and is totally DTF.
The End.
Lol, the one bad guy’s name is “Thug with Yo-yo.” Awesome.
The Octopussy Girls would make a great band name.
James Bond will return in From a View to a Kill (title pending).
Overall, this was more enjoyable than the last one. Not great, but had its moments. Probably a bit too long, since I zoned out a bit around two thirds through it. Looking forward to continue. I know next is Roger Moore’s last go and we get a Duran Duran theme song!