Category: Bond, James Bond (Page 2 of 2)

Well the Flyers are stinking up the ice, so here we are. Giving this a try on Pluto. It’s a free service with commercials. Hopefully they stick them in at appropriate times (Unlike Bond. Get it?)

They were churning these out every year, but took a year off after Thunderball, which was probably a wise move.

Cold open…in spaaaaace!

Just realized this is pre-moon landing. Crazy.

So an American capsule is in orbit when another ship comes up and swallows it, stranding a dude who was outside the capsule. He gonna die and it won’t be a pleasant death.

USA is blaming Russia for the hijack, and for some reason the UK is there and telling the USA to chill. Did the UK really have this much influence in geopolitics? Also they say they have a man working on it in Hong Kong now. Cut to Bond in bed with a pretty local lady and his opening line is, “Why do Chinese girls taste different from all other girls?” So this one is not starting out well. Her name is Ling but looks like she’s a baddie. She pushes a button and it flips the Murphy bed closed. Two dudes show up with machine guns and shoot the shit out of the bed and leave. WTF? Bond is dead? Lol, dude said looks like he died on the job and the other said he’d want to go out this way. And we go into the opening credits.

Nancy Sinatra’s boots were not made for this song.

His death made the front page of the paper. Burial at sea. This will be a short film, though I’m guessing the title will come into play here. Ugh, more scuba dudes. Please no more underwater stuff! They grabbed the body and took it to a sub. Fake out! Oh shit, his office is on the sub and he even has a coat rack to throw his naval hat on and Moneypenny is there looking sexy in a naval uniform. Hmm, based on his convo with Moneypenny, some ambiguity if he and Ling did it, but I’m still going to count it.

Bond in Japan and give the movie credit, they found Asian actors this time.

Sumo wrestling!

Ha, his contact got his drink order messed up. He stirred it. Oh damn, contact got stabbed in the back mid-sentence. 

Bond knows couch-fu.

Weird, the office walls are made of tissue paper, yet the doors lock.

Apparently Japan in more misogynistic than Bond, so naturally he wants to retire there. Especially after getting bathed by three pretty ladies in bikinis. Also, Bond was in a kimono.

You know what, gonna stop tracking Bond’s exploits. Getting too ambiguous and I still feel dirty after the last movie. So there.

Well, Bond is under cover as a Mr. Fisher. Probably the first time he didn’t walk in and introduce himself. Meets up with some big wig who shows up in a helicopter with his “confidential secretary” and she’s a sexy German redhead.

Big wig has a fancy desk with an x-ray, so he sees Bond has a gun. He also comments on how he should quit smoking and redhead walks over with a drink saying how he believes in a healthy chest. Meanwhile her ample chest is protruding out in all its glory. JFC movie, you’re killing me. Also, SPECTRE certainly has a type for their assassins and they also happen to be my type.

As Bond is leaving they try to kill him. There’s a car chase and the bad guys’ car is lifted in the air via magnet and a helicopter. Dude driving is 100 feet in the air and still turning the steering wheel. Know when to fold em my dude. I take it back, they dropped the car in the water. Steer away!

Bond would be dead a couple more times if not for Aki, the Japanese spy. Bond is weighing her down.

You know what makes a fight scene great? Shooting it from the air from very far away so you can’t really tell what’s happening and people just fall around him. His stunt man earned his pay check with a couple high falls, but then Bond gets taken out pretty easily from behind. Baddies got him.

Bond is tied to a chair. Sexy redhead shows up looking for info. Threatens to peel his skin off with a plastic surgeon tool, then instantly ditches that and starts making out with him. He gives her a BS story about industrial espionage  and offers to split money or something if she helps him escape to Europe. She cuts him loose and gives him the tool, which he uses to cut open her dress and they bang. But joke’s on him. After she’s flying them in a plane presumably to escape she drops a smoke bomb. A board appears which is somehow trapping his hands and she bails via parachute. Of course Bond gets free and crash lands the plane relatively safely.

Ha, he had Q show up with parts in suitcases for a mini-helicopter which some dudes put together. It has gadgets! Not gonna lie, that thing looks fun to fly, but not at all safe.

Some real helicopters showed up and the Bond theme is playing so you know shit is about to go down. Lol, he had mines on little tiny parachutes. He blew them all up good.

Russians launch their own rocket and it gets gobbled up too.

Uh oh, it’s Number One cat lover! Still no face, but another new voice?

He has a coy pond but full of piranhas. Goon throws in a hunk of meet on a string. Pulls it out and just a bone is left.

WTF? Number One tells them Mr. Fisher is Bond and they’re totally surprised saying but Bond is dead! Idiots, you both saw him in person. You saw his picture in the papers. You couldn’t piece that together yourselves? Plus wouldn’t SPECTRE have pictures of this guy by now? Because of their stupidity, sexy redhead got fed to the piranhas, but the dude lives. Typical.

Uh oh, mother fucking ninjas! Ninja training school! Bond is to become Japanese, train as a ninja, and take a wife. This is creepy. If he had pointy ears he’s look more Romulan than Japanese. Also, he’s banging Aki.

Look out! Assassin in the ceiling with poison on a string. I saw this in Grosse Pointe Blank. Oh snap! He was aiming for Bond, but he shifted in his sleep then so did Aki, so she got the poison. She dead. I would think the biggest danger from banging Bond would be an STD, but looks like killed by SPECTRE is the biggest concern.

He’s getting a fake wife for his cover and all he cares about is how she looks. What a dick. And of course she turns out to be cute as hell.

Is it common to have a Japanese guy with a Scottish accent?

Lol, he’s at his new wife’s house and sits down to eat. He’s super psyched to have oysters. But then new wife tells him they’ll be sleeping in separate beds and this  is business so keep it in your pants. So he shove the plate away saying, “Well I won’t need these.” This fucking guy.

Well so much for business, they kissin. 

They stumble onto the SPECTRE base hidden in an inactive volcano.

Bond goes all “ninja” to save the astronauts. So Bond and the astronauts dress up as guards and then take the place of SPECTRE astronauts. Well Bond takes the place of an astronaut, meanwhile the real astronauts stay behind? Does that make sense to you?

Uh oh, Number One smelled a rat and didn’t let Bond board the rocket because he did something a real astronaut wouldn’t do. The real ones are sitting back face palming.

Number One’s name is Blofeld and he has a face! And an awful scar. Also we have a movie title, courtesy of Blofeld. Damn, so that’s where Dr. Evil came from.

These Pluto ads aren’t terrible, but awfully repetitive. I can do without this Old Navy Christmas ad. Of course just as I say that the same ad for yet another sports bet app played three times in a row. God do I hate sports betting.

Here come the ninja reinforcements! Damn, so now they have cameras to monitor the volcano and they noticed the ninjas but not Bond and his bikini wife. Also crater guns are mowing down the ninjas.

Bond used a rocket cigarette to get the volcano open so there’s a huge ninja battle now.

Blofeld says he wants to kill Bond, has ample time to do so, but drags him along through the base and waits to try and shoot him in the main area where the ninjas are fighting, Before he can shoot, a throwing star hits his arm and he misses then runs off. Bond is the poster child of it’s better to be lucky than good.

Big fight between Bond and this giant blonde haired dude. He’s totally outmatched, but manages to throw him into the piranha pool anyway. During the fight he stole a key that enabled him to blowup the SPECTRE spaceship before they could capture another US one.

Blofeld has his own key which enabled the volcano self destruct. Bunch of ninjas are swimming away.

Bond and fake wife end up in a raft together and start making out, but M’s sub pops up and grabs him.

Bond will be back in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.

The End.

Wait, fake wife’s name was Kissy? Did they ever say that? 

This one was okay, but I feel like Connery was phoning it in a bit. I know at the time this was supposed to be his last film, but jeez. I think it could have been better with someone else in the role. And of course it’s horribly dated. Like if they re-made this today with Craig or someone new it would be pretty awesome, I think.

We’re going to try this one sober. Let’s see how it goes!

No cold open? Oh, no it’s just the Bond shooting us part, not the credits. And we open on  a funeral and the casket has the initials JB. This might be the shortest Bond film ever!

Fake out! Camera tilts up and Bond is in a balcony with a pretty French lady and she comments how the casket has the same initials. “At this moment I’d rather him than me.” Such compassion!

Oh, dead guy was a baddie that killed some of Bond’s associates. Well okay then.

Wow, so a lot to unpack here. They notice a blonde woman at the funeral and follow. She goes into this castle and to a room, but Bond is already there waiting for her. He walks up and punches her straight in the face! Is this more Connery ad-libbing? No apparently dead guy isn’t dead and was in disguise! They fight, Bond wins and now dead guy is really dead. Goons bust in and Bond escapes with a mother fucking jetpack! Remember back in the day when you’d see jetpacks on the news or something and they were like someday we’ll all have jetpacks! Still waiting.

Based on the opening credits, we’re going to Atlantis. I dig Tom Jones, but this song? Not so much.

French guy with an eye patch acting like a dick, must be a bad guy. Ah, he’s Number Two in SPECTRE.

Number One’s voice sounds different, though it is slightly distorted, and still no face, but that cat remains and he’s petting it.

Uh oh, someone was skimming so Number One hit a button and zapped the dude. His chair lowered to dispose of the body and returned. Efficient. Also finally watching these is making me appreciate the Austin Powers movies so much more. I knew it was a Bond parody, but had no idea how closely they were riffing.

Bond on the phone with Moneypenny and threatened to spank her next time he sees her, and she is here for it. My kinda lady.

From spanking to whatever the hell this is. Bond is in some hospital. Goes to see a sexy nurse and look at his x-rays. So naturally this is the perfect time to force himself on the nurse and kiss her against her will. She is decidedly NOT into it. She then straps him down to some traction machine that’s supposed to help his back. He’s lying face down, wrists and ankles strapped, and the machine moves back and forth and basically makes him hump the table. Kinkiest Bond movie so far. Hope he remembers his safeword.

Ugh, what a fucking creep! Some rando comes in and turns the machine onto full, making Bond hump the table at ludicrous speed. He does not have a safeword. Lucky for him sexy nurse returns to save him. She then takes him to the steam room to relax and is like, don’t tell the doctor I could lose my job. Bond is like, “I suppose my silence could have a price.” She’s like no creep, and he’s like yeah. He takes her into the steam room and drops her clothes. Fucking creep. I’m beginning to regret tracking this if rapes are going to be included.

Cut to some NATO pilot in bed with a super sexy redhead. Turns out she’s a baddie. Someone shows up who looks just like the pilot and kills him. He’s going to take his place and is working for SPECTRE. They’re paying him 100 grand but now he decides to negotiate and ask for 250 since there’s no one else who can do this. That’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off for him. They bring the body of the real guy to the place where Bond is, who is now in bed with sexy naked nurse who I guess just gave in due to blackmail. Bond finds the body, fights off some dude with a knife, then sets off the fire alarm, and he still has time to flirt with some other woman and sexy nurse is like, dude…

Fake pilot is up in a big jet, gases the rest of the crew and steals it. Oof, it has atomic weapons on it. That can’t be good. Dude somehow made the jet land on the water then gently float to the bottom without tipping at all. That’s some mad piloting and breaking the laws of physics skills. Sitting on the bottom of the ocean he pops the hatch but his seatbelt is stuck. Meanwhile, Number Two was nearby on a yacht and scubas down to meet him. He signals his seat belt is stuck, so Number Two pulls a knife, but cuts his air tube instead and waves goodbye. Guess his strategy did not work out for him.

They’re taking the bombs from the jet and on one of the bombs it says, “Handle like eggs.” WTF?

Bond is on his way to the office when some car rolls up on him and shoots a gun, then a motorcycle comes up behind that car and blows it up with a rocket or something. Turn out it’s super sexy redhead. She ditches the motorcycle and Bond just continues on like this is a normal thing.

At the office he goes to toss his hat but the coat rack is right next to the door. The look of disappointment on his face is priceless.

Whoa, a meeting full of 00’s! I see nine seats, so assume it’s 001 to 009. Operation Thunderball!

Bond goes on assignment to creep on the dead pilot’s sister. She’s snorkeling and he’s “hiding” behind some coral and watching her. Her foot gets stuck so he rushes in and saves her. He tells her he was “admiring her form” and she “swims like a man” which I guess he thinks is a compliment?

Bond slips and calls the sister a name only her friends use (Domino). She’s like how do you know that? He tells her it’s on the bracelet on her ankle. She says what sharp little eyes he has. He replies, “Wait till you get to my teeth.” Ewwww.

Uh oh, more Go Fish. Number Two is playing. Bond waltzes in and wins and makes a SPECTRE reference. For a spy he’s not very subtle, using his real name and saying SPECTRE like 100 times. Domino is sitting next to Number Two. Bond steals her away to get her a drink and Number Two is like whatevs.

Number Two has a swimming pool with sharks in it. Seems like a waste of a nice pool. Oh but he just had a dude thrown into the pool and the sharks ate him, allegedly.

More Q gadgets! Damn, Bond hates Q for some reason. What a dick. 

Bond is scuba diving under Number Two’s yacht and they’re fishing for Bond using hand grenades.

Bond is invited to Number Two’s place, because they’re civil. Domino is there in a one piece bathing suit. While the two are talking Bond is distracted by her, so she’s like I should go change. Next scene she shows up in a bikini! Also Number Two has a goon named Vargas who does not smoke, drink, or make love. No wonder he’s a killer. Dude must have a lot of pent up frustration.

Wow. Bond was fighting a guy and they fell into the pool. Number Two closed the pool cover above them and sent in the sharks. Bond stabbed the other dude so the sharks went to him and he swam through the tunnel where the sharks came from, but another one was coming through as well. He basically stepped aside while the shark went by but it was very obvious like glass or a screen or whatever was in between. Was very jarring.

Okay, this should probably be creepy, but also kind of a baller move since she’s a baddie. Bond had an assistant with him named Paula in an adjoining room at the hotel. Super sexy redhead helped the bad guys kidnap her and now Paula is dead. Bond goes into her room and hears someone in the tub. Walked in and there’s the red head. She’s like can you give me something to put on? He hands her a pair of shoes then sits down in a chair to watch (why is there an arm chair in front of the tub?) Oh, and they fucked.

Damn she played him. They were going to leave together, he opens the door and there’s a bunch of goons outside. He reaches for his gun but she has it trained on him. Also she has this giant SPECTRE ring. Spies aren’t very sneaky in this world. They all walk around with neon signs over their heads, yet they treat each other as if they don’t know. Very weird.

Oh geez, Bond is like I faked it with you baby. Gimme a break.

Lol, he got shot in the calf and isn’t even limping.

Damn, Bond sneaks into a club trying to escape. The baddies find him and redhead is dancing with him. Someone shoots at him but he spins them so she takes it in the back. Also the bullet went between his fingers where he was holding her back while they dance. Was a perfect shot and he definitely wasn’t breaking a blood capsule on her back with his hand.

Should probably mention the plot is SPECTRE is demanding 100 million pounds sterling in diamonds or they use the bombs, and Bond it trying to locate them.

That’s messed up. Bond’s CIA friend shot a shark so Bond can dive safely. Poor innocent shark, just minding his own business and swimming. He found the stolen jet but no bombs, however he got the dog tags form the dead pilot so he can show Domino.

Wait wait wait. Domino is scuba diving. Bond finds her underwater. They meet up, embrace, and sink to the bottom behind some coral. A huge air bubble drifts above them. Are they implying they fucked at the bottom? How does that even work? Back above water he says, “I hope we didn’t frighten the fish.” Yikes, just what were they doing?

She steps on something in the water and says it’s poisonous. He takes her to shore has her flip over and he sucks it out of her foot. When did this become a Tarantino film?

Ha. Vargas was sneaking up on them, but Bond kills him with a spear gun. “I think he got the point.”

Underwater scuba fights are more confusing than exciting.

Bond got himself trapped in their underwater hideout and had to have the CIA bail his ass out, just like in WWII.

Bunch of dudes in orange jumpsuits parachuted into the water wearing scuba gear and now we have a spear gun fight with SPECTRE. What is happening here? Aquaman this is not. I can’t believe this slow moving battle is still going on. This is a hot mess. Oh good, here come the sharks. Nine minutes. That big underwater battle went on for nine minutes but it felt like ninety.

I can’t even describe this final fight between Bond and Number Two except that they should be playing Yakety Sax considering how sped up the film is. Also Domino saved Bond’s ass by shooting Number Two in the back with a, you guessed it, spear gun.

So wait, the boat was out of control and going to crash into some rocks. Bond, Domino, and a bad guy turned good guy all jump off.  A plane flies by and drops an inflatable raft for them, but only Bond and Domino get on it. Then he inflated this balloon and attaches it to himself. A plane flies by and snags it pulling both Bond and Domino into the air and safety I guess, but what about the other guy? Guess he’s fucked and just floating in the ocean.

The End

Huh, guess Bond won’t be returning?

Wow, this was kind of a boring mess. I was enjoying it well enough for a while, but felt they could have cut 20-30 minutes out for the better. Then the final climatic battle is where this became a real stinker. That underwater fight was just a train wreck. Slow moving, confusing, just a complete mess. I pretty much checked out there. I’m totally regretting this, but we’re adding another three. I’m going to change the name and not refer to this as a score any longer. I’m going to lose the alliteration I love so much, but what can you do?

Bond Molestations total – 12

My two week vacation has officially begun. I’m a little drunk, but here we go with the third Bond film in three years.

I’m already a large glass of Maker’s Mark in, so this should be good.

Maybe I’m on drugs. Bond scubas in with a fake duck on his head as a disguise, then the film went super fast as he threw his gear away. Not sure if bad effects or a bad download. Pretty sure it was bad effects speeding up the film.

My man wears a white tux under his scuba gear. Total playa.

He goes to a bar, an explosion that he set goes off (because they kept barrels of nitro in an office?) and people flee, but a sexy dancing girl gives him a look. Cut to his room and sexy dancing girl is naked in the tub. Bond shows up and they kiss, but there’s a baddie in the room too sneaking up on them. Bond sees him reflected in her eyes, so he turns them causing the baddie to hit the woman instead! She was in on it, but still. After an awkward fight, baddie ends up in the tub but has a gun. Bond flings an electric fan into the tub frying him. He quips, “Shocking, positively shocking” as he leaves the naked girl on the floor. Did they bang previously? Probably. We’ll count it.

Ah, 60’s Goldfinger song. Groovy. GOLD-FINGER, wa waaa wah.

Miami Beach? Not a very exotic locale.

Ewww. So Bond is poolside getting a massage from a woman named Dink. A contact comes over and Bond tells her to say goodbye. She’s like why? He tells her because of “man talk” then slaps her on the ass as she walks away confused. And then both of them stare at her ass after he slapped it. This is fucked up even for the 60’s.

More ewww. So we meet Goldfinger, playing cards poolside against some schmuck. Bond notices something and goes up into the hotel. Hotel staff maid is walking by. He basically accosts her to get her master key and get into Goldfinger’s room. She just lets it happen, then he says “You’re very sweet” and she walks away as if nothing ever happened. I feel like I need to apologize to women everywhere for this film and anything I may have done to them in my life.

He finds a very sexy blonde lady in a bikini laying on her stomach and using binoculars to help Goldfinger cheat. He stops her. She says who are you and he delivers the classic Bond, James Bond.

This is getting creepy. Sorry, creepier. He asks her what her deal is, why she’s doing it. She says he pays her to do this and to be seen with him. He presses and she says just seen, to which he replies ,“I’m so glad.” He forces Goldfinger to lose, then makes his moves on blonde lady, Jill Masterson. What a very strange and ordinary name. She’s instantly in love with him because Connery was a panty dropper back in the day. 

Oh, they fucked already. That was fast.

Ugh, the radio was playing and the announcer was reporting, “The president said he was entirely satisfied…” *click* Bond shut it off then said, “That makes two of us.”

A lot of ughs in this one. His American contact calls him. Bond is stalling saying no dinner, let’s do breakfast. Jill sexily whispers, “Not too early.” Bond pushes her face away!

Ha! He’s all anal retentive about his Dom Pérignon being at 38 degrees fahrenheit (did they not use celsius back then?) so he goes into the fridge and some dude karate chops him and knocks him out. Is that Odd Job? How do I know that name? Guess we’ll see.

Oh fuck, Jill is covered in gold! She dead. Guess I should have known with a normal name like that. WTF? She died of skin suffocation? Had to Google that one and it’s 100% bullshit. Too funny!

Oooh, M threatens to replace him with 008.

Damn, Moneypenny is awesome. She throws his hat onto the coat rack, basically saying see bitch? Ain’t that hard, and she’s the one flirting with Bond and asking for a wedding ring and shit. I like her.

Bond is an alcohol expert. I’m thinking he has a problem. Functional alcoholic maybe?

They give him a bar of gold to help bait Goldfinger and say it’s with 5,000 pounds. Is that a lot? Even back then? Doesn’t seem like it. Well, Google says that would be just over 100,000 pounds today, which is $140,000. How did we live before the internet?

Q and more gadgets! ASTON MARTIN DB5!!!!! It has an ejector seat! I remember this from Cannonball Run.

It is Odd Job! Bond and Goldfinger are playing golf and Odd Job is a caddy?

Goldfinger missed a one foot putt…how is that possible?

Odd Job cheats at golf!

Ha! Bond switched Goldfinger’s ball so he loses. So crafty.

Lol, Odd Job’s hat cut off a statues head somehow. Damn, he also crushed a golf ball in his hand.

So Bond was tailing Goldfinger. Pretty lady in a Mustang passes him on the road. Goldfinger stops, Bond stops on a hill above him watching, and above Bond was pretty Mustang lady with a rifle. She’s a terrible shot and missed Bond by  a mile.

That Aston Martin is a sexy vehicle.

WTF? So Bond is infiltrating Goldfinger’s base and pretty lady shows up with her rifle. Turns out she was trying to kill Goldfinger earlier but her aim is horrendous! Also she’s Jill’s sister looking for revenge.

Can anyone lend me a million dollars so I can buy that Aston Martin? Please?

OMG, Odd Job threw his hat and knocked out pretty lady, but didn’t cut her head off. That’s a versatile hat.

So far all of Odd Job’s lines have been “Aah aah!”

Ha! Bond got to use the ejector seat…was more impressive in Cannonball Run.

Oh snap! Is this the scene I think it is? Bond is tied to a table with a laser slowly heading towards his crotch. Bond, “Do you expect me to talk?” Goldfinger, “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!” Classic.

He talked/bluffed his way out of it? Kinda lame. The Simpsons did it better.

PUSSY GALORE! Okay, quick side story. In high school I did some creative writing assignment and I did a spy type thing and used Pussy Galore as a character name because I thought it wasn’t really from the movie, because how could it be? I thought a stand up comic made it up or something. I had no idea at the time and somehow my teacher didn’t mark me down for it. I only lost points because I didn’t keep my past/present tense consistent. Don’t ask me why I remember this.

Martini, shaken not stirred, served by sexy Mei Lei on a private jet.

Ha, Pussy says she’s immune to his charm.

Pussy is a real bad ass. Also, I just enjoy typing her name, so sue me.

Damn, she has a sexy pilot brigade.

Goldfinger’s guards are dumb as rocks.

Wow, Bond was spying on their plan and Pussy shows up and takes him out. Total bad ass.

So the plan is to detonate an atomic device in Fort Knox. The Chinese are helping. It puts the US economy in chaos and makes Goldfinger’s gold more valuable.

Pussy changed into something more fuckable and is putting her charms all over Bond.

Connery/Bond has zero problems laying hands on women, but this time Pussy flips his ass on the ground. She’s my new favorite. Yuck, he literally forces himself on her to kiss, and then she’s suddenly into it. Guessing they fucked.

Ha, all these extras in military outfits pretending to be knocked out.

Trying to figure out why they kept Bond alive and brought him along for the Fort Knox caper. Not finding an answer.

Ha, guess they were all faking being knocked out? WTF?

Odd Job is kicking Bond’s ass.

Damn, Bond electrocuted Odd Job.

Bond trying to diffuse the bomb was like a virgin dealing with his first vagina. Lucky for him he was saved by some rando who walked over and just turned it off.

Ha, even the US government knows Bond is an alcoholic. They give him a flight to the White House and provide liquor for three, but he’s the only one on board.

Uh oh, Goldfinger is on the plane!

OMG, he has a gun, they struggle, gun goes off and blows out a tiny window, Goldfinger, who is not a skinny dude, floats and goes through said small window. I literally lol’ed at that one.

Damn, Bond and Pussy were on the plane and it crashed into the ocean and exploded. But of course they somehow escaped and were on an island maybe? When search planes came Pussy signaled for them, but Bond said, “Oh no you don’t, this is no time to be rescued.” So they could fuck some more under a parachute.

Hey, what happened to pretty lady in the Mustang, Jill’s sister? I missed that one. Oh well, guess she wasn’t fuckable enough.

The End.

BUT, Bond will be back in Thunderball!

GOLDFINGER! Wa waaah wah.

This one wasn’t as much fun I think, but big ups to Pussy Galore. Not only does she have the best name, but she was a bad ass in her own right, even if she does give in to Bond’s “charms” a little too easily. I counted three more Bond Bangs. I’m sensing a pattern.

Bond Bangs total score – 9

Need to start with a little rant. When I decided to do this I made a spreadsheet of all the films and the various services that I subscribe to they were available on, but now that the calendar changed to November some are no longer available. I guess it was a temp thing for one month because of the new film? This is the kind of bullshit that leads to piracy. I try to be honest and do the right thing, but you gotta meet me halfway and not do bait and switch bullshit. I was even going to rent the ones that were missing, but fuck these guys. No money for you! Anyway, let’s go to Russia and find some love.

Another year, another James Bond movie. They were ready to milk this franchise from jump, I guess.

No groovy 60’s intro? Must be a cold open.

We find Dolph Lundgren playing hide and seek with Bond in a garden. He kills Bond with a garrote hidden in is watch? Oh but surprise surprise, it was some nobody in disguise, so Bond is fine. And now here’s my groovy opening credits starring sexy lady legs and other body parts.

Now we’re at a chess tournament. This is less interesting without a sexy redhead. #QueensGambit

New main bad guy. They call him Number One, which is a little on the nose. He likes watching tiny fish fight and petting a cat. We never see his face.

Dolph is getting  a massage from a sexy blonde lady in a 60’s bikini. Movie you have my attention. Also they’re on SPECTRE Island, lol.

A little old lady hit Dolph in the stomach with brass knuckles. Guess he passed that strenuous test.

Little old lady has coke bottle glasses and is interviewing another sexy blonde lady (Tatiana). Sounds like her mission is to seduce someone and give false info. She’s given a picture of her target. We don’t see it, but based on her reaction we know she’s swooning over Bond. Also, Tatiana thinks she’s working for Russia, not SPECTRE.

Oh hey, it’s the real Bond making out with someone in a canoe that’s on land. Oh, it’s his go fish partner from Dr. No! Hmm, more banging implied before he goes back to the office, do we count it? Nah, no re-runs.

Another hat toss on the coat rack. What a playa. Gotta admit, Connery was a sexy motherfucker back in the day.

What a dog. M tells him about Tatiana and her wanting to defect. They say it’s probably a trap. Bond sees a pic of her and is like I’m free to fall into that trap.

Oooooh, gadgets! Q has a fancy brief case! Mostly just hidden stuff, but also a smoke bomb if you don’t open it correctly.

This time Moneypenny is sexually harassing Bond. Equal rights?

Bond is going to Istanbul (not Constantinople).

Bond drinks coffee medium sweet? WTF?

Dolph looks very uncomfortable in a tiny car, but not as much as the dude beaten and tied up in the back. Kinky. Also back seat dude is dead.

Thrilling action as Bond looks behind every painting in the room searching for listening devices or so the music would imply!

Wowzers. Not sure who this new lady is in bed with chief Istanbul dude, but more please. Oh shit, nevermind they dead, oh not dead, but there was an explosion.

Oh snap, head Istanbul dude has a secret underground waterway to the Russian HQ and a periscope to spy on them.  Tatiana shows up and Bond is being all creepy watching her walk around as he can only see her from the waist down. Jesus, Bond is such a pervert.

Meanwhile, my wife just came in the room and posed telling me she’s a sexy Bond girl. Just thought I’d share that.

Bond and Istanbul guy went to visit gypsies. Guess that term wasn’t offensive yet. Uh oh, belly dancer and of course she all dances up in his business!

Ugh, two women are fighting over a dude, literally. Gross, yet sexy of course.

We never find out who wins because the camp is invaded by Russians maybe? Big battle ensues and bond waltzes through taking out anyone he comes across. Weird, Dolph was hiding and sniped some dudes that were going to get bond.

Oh boy, Bond saved the gypsy leader and in return he asked him to stop the “girl fight” so he told Bond he should decide the matter. Cut to Bond in a tent and both women show up and he’s told to “decide, they’re both yours” which he responds “might take some time.” Next morning they’re fawning all over him. Definite three-way happened, count it.

More Ugh, so Bond and Istanbul dude were ambushing the leader who ambushed the gypsies. He escaped through a window in a wall that had a billboard for some Bob Hope and Anita Ekberg film. First they comment on her “lovely mouth”, then his escape window was in the middle of her mouth. They shoot him and Bond quips “She should have kept her mouth shut.” This fucking guy.

Wait, he pre-ordered breakfast and asked for coffee very black? Inconsistencies!

Jesus, Bond is about to take a bath but hears a noise. Someone broke into his room. Wearing only a towel he looks to find Tatiana (call her Tanya) snuck into his bed naked under the covers. WTF kind of spy games is this and where do I sign up? Damn, they kissing already. Oh, they fuckin’.

Aaahhh, the mirror above the bed was two way. Some creepers are behind it filming and smoking a cigarette…gross.

Bond and Tanya blew up the Russian place and stole the secret typewriter or something. I dunno, I was looking at Facebook for a minute. They escaped on a train.

Okay, so they’re on a train for two days in a room together. He shows her a suitcase full of lingerie and she goes apeshit over it. So basically they fuckin’ on the train for two days. Ugh, Istanbul dude saw Tanya in one of her new “outfits” and was super creepy, not even hiding his ogling. She is sexy as fuck, but still…

Uh oh, Dolph is on the train!

Bond smacked her ass…I’ll allow it.

Uh-oh, Istanbul dude had an “accident.” Him and some other guy he was watching are dead. Assuming Dolph got them.

Whoa, now that his friend is dead he’s smacking Tanya around looking for answers. Assuming that wasn’t in the script and Connery improvised. Either way, bad Bond.

Jeez, Bond had to tell Istanbul’s kid his dad is dead, not much sympathy there. Hey your dad’s dead, now pay attention and do all this shit for me!

Zagreb is a place, apparently? Google says it’s the capitol of Croatia. I learned something today.

Ugh again. So he met some other British spy dude at the stop, then the three of them go to the dining car. Waiter comes over and only gives menus to the men. Guess women are too frail to order for themselves.

Uh oh, “British” dude spilled her drink then refilled it and dropped a pill in it. Assuming this is pre-roofie era…aaaand she drank it. Yeah, he roofied her.

Oh James. He knew British dude drugged her so he pulled his gun, then decided to trust him as they look at a map. British dude pulls a gun from his ankle and knocks Bond out. Uh-oh, he’s a SPECTRE dude.

Damn, so British dude was Dolph I guess. Didn’t recognize him because he suddenly looks a lot smaller. He tells Bond everything, as one does, and provides the film of him and Tanya fucking that he plans to plant on them after killing them. Poor Tanya is just pawn in game of life.

Wow, so Bond tricks him with the exploding gadget brief case, then after a long, awkward fight in the train car he chokes him to death with his own garrote watch.

Jesus fuck, Bond! He’s telling Tanya, “Wake up or I’ll leave you behind.” She was drugged, you shit!

They get off the train, he leaves her in the ditch to do more heroics, then goes to get her and says, “Come on or I’ll leave you here.” Let me remind you, the woman is still drugged.

Very strange sequence as they escape in a flower truck and a helicopter chases them dropping grenades. They stop and Bond runs around as the helicopter buzzes him. Eventually he stops and gets out his rifle and the copter goes to drop a grenade on him, but he shoots him first, dude drops the grenade in the copter and it blows up.

So main, faceless bad guy with a cat, (Number 1), has the chess guy killed because his plan failed. Little old lady lives to fight another day, but she was sweating.

Bond and Tanya were escaping by boat. They had these huge drums of fuel on it. Doesn’t seem safe but whatevs. Suddenly more boats appear and chase them. They shoot the drums of fuel. Bond ditches the drums and pretends to give up, then shoots the drums with a flare gun, causing big explosions and fire that catches all the bad guys boats. “In England they have an expression, where there’s smoke there’s fire”. Okay, Bond, you do you.

Damn. Bond and Tanya are in a hotel room thinking they got away. Little old SPECTRE lady shows up dressed as a maid to steal the secret typewriter and orders Tanya to help her, which she does! But then as little old SPECTRE lady is about to shoot Bond, Tanya pops back in and betrays her. Old lady struggles with Bond, then Tanya shoots her dead.

Okay, so little old lady tried to kill Bond with a poison knife in her shoe. Tanya calls her a “horrible woman” to which Bond replies, “Yes, she’s had her kicks.” Ugh, kill me.

They sail off in Venice (or a stationary boat in front of a movie screen playing scenes from Venice) and Bond still has the film of them fuckin, But he’s a gentleman and throws it into the water as they make out and waves goodbye to it?

The End.

OMG, in the credits it has Ernst Blofeld being played as ? That’s it, a question mark. That is legendary!

And Bond will be back in Goldinger.

Maybe this is the four glasses of wine talking, but I really enjoyed this one. I’m not becoming a James Bond fan, am I? Still lacking on the action and heavy on the misogyny, but very enjoyable nonetheless. By my count we have three more Bond bangs to add to our tally. Also, I’m digging Tanya more than Honey, even though she didn’t have a fun, cringy name.

Bond Bang total score – 6

I’m pretty burned out at work so will be taking two weeks vacation soon. Decided I’m going to spend some of that time watching as many James Bond movies as I can and writing up some thoughts on each one. Over the years I probably saw one or two of the Moore’s on cable. Maybe two more of the Brosnan’s, and probably half of the Craig’s. Vacation isn’t until next week, but got a head start last night with the OG Dr. No.

Any doubt to what decade this movie was created in evaporates with the opening sequence. Very 60’s.

We open in Jamaica with some old, British white dudes playing cards in a country club. Already worried where this is heading.

Ah but no worry, as three local blind dudes, who aren’t really blind, murders one of the old dudes. Then later they murder his sexy secretary, apparently they were spies! They steal a file labeled “Doctor No.”

Damn, first time we meet Bond he delivers the infamous “Bond…James Bond” line. Connery drops it like it’s hot! They’re playing what I assumed was baccarat, but the internet tells me it’s Chemin-de-fer (also known as Chemmy). Might as well be Go Fish for all the skill it takes. They get two cards, flip them, and somehow Bond always wins? I dunno but the pretty lady he’s playing against is eye fucking him the entire time.

Bond gets a phone call and heads to the office where he shows how cool he is by throwing his hat onto a coat rack and sexually harassing the secretary (Moneypenny, god I love these names), but it’s the 60’s so it’s okay, plus she seems to be into it.

In with his boss (M) who tells Bond his Beretta is a girl’s gun (which is a bad thing?) and casually mentions how he has a license to kill, as one does. He upgrades him to an older version of Megatron.

Back home he finds the pretty lady from Go Fish broke into his place and is putting golf balls wearing nothing but one of his dress shirts. If I had a nickel for every time that happened to me. He has to catch a flight, but makes time to get it on with her.

Landing in Jamaica a driver meets him, but he knows right away he’s a bad guy, but gets in the car anyway. After a brief fight bad guys wants a cigarette, which Bond allows because he’s either a gentleman or stupid, but the cigarette has cyanide in it! No information for you!

Here’s his first martini shaken, not stirred! Though it was the waiter who said it, and he actually said, “mixed like you said, not stirred,” but we’ll take it.

Someone gets the drop on Bond, it’s Rex Granitechin, American spy! USA! (There’s also a ton of Red Stripe boxes in this scene, the only beer available in Jamaica.)

Uh-oh, they mentioned a Chinese guy named Dr. No. Guessing he’s important since the movie is named after him.

Every woman who sees Bond gives him a serious eye fucking and of course every woman in the movie is beautiful, and white I might add. Are we still in Jamaica?

A geologist was one of the old dead guy’s card buddies. Bond visited him and got some shady answers. Geologist actually works for Dr. No, who is just a booming voice for now. He gives him a big ass spider to take out Bond.

Bond’s shoe 1, big ass spider 0.

I love old movies when car chases were a car sitting in front of a movie screen.

Damn, sexy lady sets him up, but he knows it. Escapes the trap and goes to her place, bangs her (twice maybe?) then sends her away with the authorities. Nice priorities.

Honey Rider? Are you fucking serious? Assuming this is the first Bond girl. Yet another gorgeous woman who drops into his lap. He’s on some secluded, secret island yet she’s chilling on the beach looking for sea shells like she’s at the Jersey shore.

I’m thinking an all baby blue outfit isn’t good camouflage, but Bond makes it work.

Their local guide who’s dressed like Gilligan gets murdered by a tank.

Bond and Honey both got radiated, which was an excuse to get them both naked I think. Take off your clothes, attractive people, because of radiation!

Oh Bond you amateur, fell for the sleeping drugs in the coffee gag.

Dr. No? More like Dr. No-Hands, amirite?

Even Dr. No knows his drink and is the first to actually say “shaken not stirred.” Also isn’t he supposed to be Asian? Ah he says he’s half German, half Chinese. Fair enough I guess.

That SPECTRE acronym…lol.

Bond gets the absolute shit kicked out of him and thrown into a cell that appears to be built just for the purpose of allowing prisoners to escape, which he does.

After sabotaging their device that does something to missile launches? Gotta be honest, I got lost on the evil plot here. Anyway he scuffles with Dr. No and makes him fall into a pool of radiation. Not having hands was his downfall as he couldn’t grip a ladder.

With the base about to blow, Bond goes searching for Honey and finds her shackled to a floor with water slowly rising. There had to be a more efficient and less kinky ways to kill her, but who am I to argue?

The island blows and and they escape by boat. They run out of gas so what will they do? Apparently the only options are to swim or make-out, guess which they choose?

Chad Rockjaw, American spy, appears and saves them. As they tow their boat away Bond and Honey want to keep making out so they drop the rope so they can drift at sea, have sex, and die I guess?

The End.

Overall this was a fun film. I can see why Boomer dads would love this. Disappointed there were no gadgets, but know they’re coming eventually. And of course his Aston Martin was missing as well. Connery is great for striking the balance of cocky, arrogant ass and suave, charming motherfucker. Thought it would be fun to track the number of ladies it’s implied Bond has sex with. (Not the number of times. I can only assume his stamina and recharge time is legendary). By my count we had three Bond Bangs this time around.

Bond Bang total score – 3